My wife has no sex drive, what can I do?

[Doc Durian]

By insisting to not have sex before marriage you've picked the wrong person, now it looks like you have very little choice.

Looks like, or doesn't actually have the choice?

Remaining celebate until one's marriage with the reasonable expectation that intimacy and sex follow through after the marriage has been the grounds for divorce on the spiritual/religious level of marriage for a long time.

[Perryville]

OP, before you go off, half-cocked, get some professional help first. See a doctor and a therapist, both of you. After all, you don't know what the problem really is, do you? It might be biological/medical or emotional/psychological, or a combination of both.It very well may be hormonal, from what you described of her, she almost sounds like a menopausal woman, except for her age.

[Incognito]

Well I wasn't able to get to my office for two days because of the snow. I see there have been many responses. Thank you to everyone. I'll try to answer the questions that I remembered reading. Someone mentioned that she may be afraid of having another kid. Well, I had a vascectomy right before we got married. Someone else asked if I am rich, famous ect. No, I'm not rich or famous. I'm just your average working joe. Someone else alluded to me viewing sex as payment. That not true. I simply think that sex plays a vital role in any successful marriage. There was a point where I hated her in every sense of the word and would not have touched her with a 10 foot pole (obviously we got past that). I also wondered if her problem is hormonal. I did some research to find of what foods boost testosterone production and told her that higher testosterone levels means more energy and higher metabolism. The list is exactly where I left it in the kitchen a week ago.

[girl68]

Your wife doesn't seem to give half a shit about any of this.

[doppelgaenger]

Think with your dipstick, Jimmy!

[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pcqVQe-4z0[/url]

[tropigal82]

Woah. You poor thing!!! Blimey!!!

I used to believe in 'no sex before marriage' but thankfully by the age of 20 I decided differently, and thank goodness, because sexual compatability is what keeps the fire alive in a marriage or a relationship!!! Personally, if I was married and my husband refused to have sex with me, THAT would be grounds for divorce, because why on earth would you choose to commit to a lifetime of no passion in the bedroom? Your wife either has an extremely low sex drive or is pychologically scarred by some sort of past trauma, perhaps she grew up in a sexually repressed house hold or was abused or molested as a child. If thats not the case then, she is just hardcore frigid!!! How do you cope? Must be a nightmare! If I was married I would be wanting sex every day of the week!!!

Thats why I really think that the 'no sex before marriage' rule is a recipe for disaster. There really is such a thing as sexual compatibility and chemistry in bed. I'm glad I had sex with guys and realised that we were totally incompatible in bed, or in one case I had a boyfriend who was just great and we were very compatible in bed, not so compatible out of bed LOL.

OK Mr Incognito, I do feel sorry for you and I am sure you had noble motives but this is what happens. If a guy said he didnt want to have sex before we got married I would think that there is some big (or little???) secret that he is hiding from me!!! Anyway, you cant change the past, but you can change the future! This is your course of action 1) talk to her and ask her why she doesn't feel hornified 2) if no improvement then seek therapy and counselling 3) if that doesn't work then hand her the divorce papers, and a dildo to keep her company in her forthcoming life of singledom.

[bluesummer]

So, what I'm hearing is this: Your wife has no interest in sex, anything sexual, or any type of affection in any form from you. She is unwilling to talk about it or undergo counselling to try and solve the problem. She tells you she'll "do better" to get you off the topic and then doesn't follow through.

There's more than just sexual issues here my friend. There's disconnect. There's a general attitude of 'not giving a shit about you' from her end. Deceit. Need I go on?

Yes, sexual compatibility is a huge part of a healthy and successful relationship. There's so many other issues here though on top of that. It's overall just a poisonous relationship. Do you guys spend time together, are you good friends? What is it about her that keeps you with her besides some piece of paper that legally binds you?

[Incognito]

Well I'd be lying if I said that we didn't at least get a long most of the time, but thats about it. Its kind of like having a female room mate that wears a ring, with the addition that you can't sleep with anyone else. If we were simply friends or acquaintances there wouldn't be a problem. Then again, I don't tolerate foolishness from people and the first time that she pulled her misguided/unwarranted anger crap on me I would have terminated the friendship.

@ tropigal82 : Its odd to me to hear from a woman who has a sex drive. Its quite foreign. I almost don't believe that there are women who want sex out there. If you have a facebook account look up Brian Stanz. Let me know what you think. To anyone who might citicize me I say this: Its nice to know that your hard work is paying off. I think I look better than I once did, but that doesn't mean much since I am not the one who looks at me. Its nice to hear something upbuilding from someone else, especially if that someone is a woman. Perhaps I'll attach a picture here to. I'm not on my computer right now, so I'll have to do it later. Also, if I did decide to serve her divorce papers there would be absolutely no need for a dildo. She has NO sex drive and doesn't even masturbate. I, on the other hand have almost $2000.00 worth of toys that I keep in a secured steel cabinet. I use them whenever she steps out of the house and occassionally when she is sleep or in the shower.

[IndiReloaded]

She sounds depressed. Have her checked out by a doc.

[tropigal82]

OK I looked up Brian Stanz but 3 results came up. Are u the one with the ripped torso, LOL? Very impressive!

Yes indeed I do have a high sex drive probably higher than any of the guys I have dated. And right now I am in a similar situation to you, (albeit not married) in that I met the man of my dreams 6 months ago, he swept me off my feet and we have a very close relationship emotionally but not physically, because everytime we got to the bedroom he would just fall asleep!!! OK he was drunk most of the time though!!! I thought eventually that he wasn't attracted to me, so I basically stopped all contact with him, however he still phones / emails / texts me every day and wants to keep meeting up with me. So it is incredibly frustrating. But I am totally in love with him and I don't want to give up on him just yet. And I spend all day dreaming about having hot passionate sex with him one day!!!! I don't know why he has not wanted to have sex yet, because we have talked about our sexual fantasies and he has told me that he has a high sex drive etc, so I am thinking (perhaps I am being paranoid!) either he is gay, or has an STD, or has some other reason why he doesn't want to do it. I should note that he is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and had been sober/clean for nearly two months now, but he has replaced that with a new addiction which is excessive training/working out. His body gets more toned and muscular each time I see him but I keep telling him he is perfect just as he is, he doesn't need to get any bigger. He opens up a lot to me and tells me about his childhood which was difficult, i.e there are a lot of insecurities stemming back to that time in his life. He says its since meeting me that he realised he wanted to turn his life around, get sober and clean, achieve a more balanced lifestyle because he doesn't want to repeat history (his dad was an alcoholic which caused his parents to divorce). He has told me he wants to ''sort himself out" first before he gets married or has kids. His excuse for not having sex is that 'he respects me too much to mess with my emotions, because he doesn't feel ready for serious comittment as he is trying to sort his life out right now, but he wants to keep seeing me and maybe things will develop into a sexual relationship one day." On the one hand I can understand, being sober for the first time in ages its a big deal for him, and I am so happy he is sorting himself out, but on the other hand I feel like I'm in limbo, i.e we are more than just friends, but we are not yet lovers, and how long can I put up with this.... :-( Surely most guys would be up for some hot sex now and then, I can't help but think, if he ain't getting it from me, where IS he getting it???? I don't know if he has another 'girlfriend' although, he said he wants to spend valentines day with me. Also, he jokingly referred to me as 'the wife' the other day, which confused me even more!!!

[vashti]

Something doesn't add up. Women who orgasm tend to like sex, so I doubt you are doing it for her (no offense, but it is really easy to fake it, and a male would never know, and if you were a virgin when you married, and haven't had a lot of sex since then, you are probably lacking in experience.)

Also, I agree with whomever said walking around buck-naked doesn't turn on the average woman. This would generally only be appreciated by a woman who really enjoys sex or was already turned on.

1200 porn videos plus toys? ummm.... wow.

Anyway, your only real option if you want to fix this is to get some professional help. If she is unwilling to get any, I would call this grounds for divorce, unless she is willing to allow you to have a girl on the side. I would also delve deeper into the possibility she is depressed.

[starbuck]

I'm not trying to disagree with anyone, but I generally get turned on by my husband walking around naked unless I'm extremely tired or distracted.

I think that your wife has hampered your sense of what normal female sexuality is. Lots of women want sex with their husbands on a frequent and regular basis. Just to reiterate, the problem is with her, not you.

[bluesummer]

It's tough to say there's something WRONG with her for sure. I, as a female witha considerable sex drive, cannot understand how any woman could be so uninterested in sex, but then I'm not her.

One thing is definitely certain: you guys are not a match in the sexual compatibility department. Can that be FIXED? Not sure about that either. Like it's been said on here a few times, some counselling might help sort out the answers to this (not necessarily fix it), but she isn't willing to do that. It sounds like you're sort of screwed. Your description of your relationship leaves something to be desired as well: "like a female roommate that wears a ring." You're friends, okay. But no love, physical or emotional intimacy? This doesn't constitue a marriage as far as I see it. No one likes to have to go through a divorce, but I think you need to ask yourself if it's really worth spending the rest of your life living like this.

[Baybee]

asking your wife why she won't have sex with you would be the best thing. Maybe she just isnt a woman who enjoys sex or maybe something happened to her before

[HappyToBeMe]

I agree. You should definitely ask your wife how come she won't sleep with you. She knows the reason why better than any of us.