I need some serious advice

[chitownkara]

So, I'm a 25 year old female living in Chicago and I've been dating someone for about the past 7 months. We dated in 2006-2007 and it ended in a horrible break-up. Mainly because I was young and immature and he is older (8 yrs my senior). To give the full details, we began dating in August 2006 and 3 months in to it, while checking my email on his PC (original intent wasn't to check his) but his email popped up instead of mine when I wrote in gmail.com and an email that was about me popped up and detailed that he had been sleeping with other women he told me were his "friends". I decided to forgive him, but in the following months, I became more and more insecure, always questioning him and not trusting him. I admit to faking myspace profiles (back then, definitely not now) and other shady things to get him to admit to things I was wondering about, versus just asking them myself. I know, I learned a lot from that whole situation and have since admitted to him what I made up was was dishonest about.

Flash foward to August 2009 and he makes contact with me out of no where, asking me to meet him at a bar. I agree to go out of pure curiosity because we hadn't been cordial for years. Things were oddly normal and the same, like I had just seen him the day before. Foolishly, I went home with him and we started to date again...

A couple weeks after our reunion, he went to NYC for business and I found out that he visited a girl he had recently dated in CT, and didn't tell me. He said he needed closure. He said they didn't sleep together but were affectionate. I guess that means kissing, holding hands and stuff. I forgave him given the fact we had just reconciled. In the next couple months, he told me about a friend that was visiting from college and she asked him to go to brunch on a Sunday. I, of course, said that was fine and later I found out he dated her about a year ago or so and actually accompanied her on a trip to Italy 2 years ago (because her original friend bailed) where of course, they hooked up the entire time. I haven't been able to get over that one and this has caused me to question his actions when he went to NYC.

2 weeks ago, we went to Puerto Rico together and it was a great trip. We have been fighting more about my not being able to trust him and it has come to surface lately that he can't let go of trusting me (bc of the stuff I did making up profiles in 2007). He left on a trip with a friend to Morocco last Friday (2/19) and told me he didn't see a future with us even though he has told me repeatidly he can, and that us not trusting each other and refusing to move on won't ever make this work and he thinks there's been too much damage. He thinks we should end it because he is 33 and wants to find who he's supposed to be with and that's not me. However, he wants to think about things while he's gone and what he wants to do but to not expect he comes back and wants to work on things. Then, he sends me an email on Sunday after being gone 2 days to tell me he arrived okay and that he misses me like he knew he would. Now I'm in this state where I hope he comes back and says he wants to work on us but keep getting upset and mad at myself for wanting that and I pretty much know he's going to come back and say that he doesn't see a future with me still. It breaks my heart because I've tried so hard to make this work and get past certain things. I need advice from people that haven't been involved in this situation on what I should do when he gets back. Is it worth sitting down to talk if he's going to say the same thing? Should I even want to work on things on the slight chance he does want to work on things to?? I've been a wreck this entire time he's gone (he gets back the 28th). I can't sleep, don't want to do anything, feel lost, mad, sad, angry, alone, all of that. I need some words of wisdom...

[Gigabitch]

Without trust, there is no relationship. He mistrusts you for being childish and insecure and you mistrust him for being a lying Cassanova. Do you foresee him changing his hound dog ways? Do you foresee yourself suddenly becoming confident that he's faithful? If not, you're both wasting your time.

[chitownkara]

I said I'd be willing to get counseling to work things out with my issues and trust and being more secure if he was. He said he just didn't know and that we should talk when he got back. He said he just felt like his clock was ticking and that he fears this just isn't it and doesn't want to wait 6 more months or a year or however long to find out it didn't work out. But, I can't get him to see there's no guarantee with anyone and that if there is enough good, then it's worth working on. I know I can't force someone to realize that, but I would think this means enough to him to at least be willing to go talk to someone, not invovled (besides our own friends and family).

[QueenofCorona]

I don't know...seems like if you both are serious about making work you may want to look into couples counseling. Way too much past damage going on there. I'd maybe say cut all ties and call it a loss. You deserve better. You shouldn't always have to second guess if what he's telling you is truth or not.

[cmacattack1]

This is why "getting back together with an ex" gets a bad name. You disappear off the face of the earth for a couple years and then you meet up, you see what you loved about that person in the first place and it's like "let's pretend it didn't happen". Maybe he has changed. It's apparent he hasn't and he is manipulating you by using your **** ups from the past to get what he wants. And that's getting to hang out with other girls while you are getting strung along. He pulled you along for a loop again. What makes you think it's possible to save this "new" relationship? You want to put in so much work and you feel guilty about everything in the past, but he doesn't. He wants to run off and fool around again. He hasn't changed and will not change until he wants to. Or until something drastic in his life happens to him, maybe somebody he falls in love with drags him through the mud like he has dragged you.

You have learned so much from the first time you guys dated, why aren't you applying this experience to the new one? You may feel helpless and it's difficult to see things for what they are in the relationship, but you cannot allow yourself to be held prison by your emotions. You already know he is treating you like garbage, but you are staying in this because of your feelings.