On/Off and now ON again, but is it worth the effort??

[jessZ]

Hi everyone, I'm feeling very unsure about my current situation and would love some advice....

I've been with my current bf for 6mths now. We are each others rebound, but despite this things were going really well and we fell in love. We even started making a few future plans, like an overseas trip together and buying an investment property together.

Around a month ago, however, he started canceling our date plans quite regularly. I really hate this, ended up feeling really rejected and hurt after the 3-4th time, and felt like he was making no effort, so we had a big fight. He is a really busy person and juggles a job with long hours, caring for his daughter and trying to stay fit. It has always been a struggle to find time together, but recently he has cancelled on me for being exhausted or just needing time alone. We would always argue when this happened (i would get upset, he'd try to fix it, I'd stay upset and then eventually get over it when he promised he'd try to be more reliable next time...) but things didn't improve and our most recent fight was so bad that we ended up breaking up over it (initiated by me...)

But the next day, we both calmed down and talked, decided to stay together and work on things. BUT THEN the day after, he told me he was very unsure and that we should just end it. He said he still loved me, thought I was amazing and said he didn't want anyone else, but that he could only see things getting more serious and was afraid he'd not be able to give me what I deserve. I was devastated and asked him to reconsider, so he did and then we got back together, but he said he'd like to 'take things slowly' and give each other more space (before we were emailing 6-7 times a day, talking 2-3times...)

But now I feel terribly insecure about this. I can't tell whether he really does want this, or 'taking it slow' is his way of keeping me around when it suits him... Or perhaps he is just too scared of hurting me, so is staying with me to avoid another break up.
We've seen each other once since we decided to stay together (around 9 days ago) and it was lovely, but he hasn't initiated much contact at all except a text here and there one email to say that he misses me.. I am finding it really hard to adjust to this, and don't know what to do. He assures me that it isn't just a sex thing for him, but its hard for me to believe this....

Am I deluded in thinking this could work?? What is he thinking guys?? How can I increase my chances of this working?? I am really really uncertain at the moment and it is hurting :-(

[jessZ]

Anyone?? Sorry, going a bit crazy thinking about it!! Any advice would be very mch appreciated....

[to-cinderella]

hmm... its difficult...

in my last relationship with a 13 years older guy there were so many thinkgs not matching... we were so different, we also had break up several times but constantly continued to have a contact, which brought us togheter many times... last time i broke up with him and the only thing which did not bring us back, was that he got a new girlfriend... who is matching him perfect.. i said i will not do any more compromises, but now i seeing they guy who obviously needs less contacts then i do, and i am thinking, shall i keep to my "no more compomises" or shall i just take it as its the way he is..? since i like him, i wait and see what will happen...

Did you try to talk to your boyfriend about that you want to see him more, instead of just beeing unhappy and guessing why is he "taking it slow"?

[Gigabitch]

I understand being busy and all, but seeing you once in nine days isn't really sustainable. That's not taking it slow. That's starving it to death.

Give it a couple of weeks- you don't really have anything to lose. Don't pressure him and don't contact him more than he contacts you. if he really misses you, he'll make more of an effort. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

[Incognito]

He is a really busy person and juggles a job with long hours, caring for his daughter and trying to stay fit. It has always been a struggle to find time together, but recently he has cancelled on me for being exhausted or just needing time alone. We would always argue when this happened (i would get upset, he'd try to fix it, I'd stay upset and then eventually get over it when he promised he'd try to be more reliable next time...) but things didn't improve and our most recent fight was so bad that we ended up breaking up over it (initiated by me...)

..... BUT THEN the day after, he told me he was very unsure and that we should just end it. He said he still loved me, thought I was amazing and said he didn't want anyone else, but that he could only see things getting more serious and was afraid he'd not be able to give me what I deserve. I was devastated and asked him to reconsider, so he did and then we got back together, but he said he'd like to 'take things slowly' and give each other more space (before we were emailing 6-7 times a day, talking 2-3times...)

Ok, I'll start off by saying that I AM a man (for those who didn't already know) Anyway, you said yourself that he is really busy (working long hours, raising a daughter alone, trying to stay fit.....all listed by you above). If you know that he is THAT busy, and that finding time has ALWAYS been a struggle, why would you get upset every time an appointment is missed (see red highlighted portion)? I don't know this guy, but it sounds very similar to what I went through in the first few years of my marriage, and it was not pleasant to experience. You shouldn't get mad every time, especially if he has THAT much on his plate. I've been where he is (trying to pacify somone who gets mad over small things or things that are out of my control) and it isn't fun. That is probably why he initially said that you should smply end it. Think about it. If you constantly get mad because he is running himself ragged and then STAY mad when he tries to fix the situation (see green highlighted portion), he can't win now can he? Believe me I am not taking up for this guy just because he has a penis, although I will admit that I am a bit peeved because I've been in his shoes. Going solely on what you've told us I am guessing that he is probably tired of taking heat from you just because there aren't enough hours in the day to take care of the basics and NEVER miss a date/appointment. Along the same lines you may have also made him think that you require more attention than he can give you right now, and he was doing you a favor by trying to break up so that you could find someone who has more time to devote to you. He is probably taking it easy right now to take a breather, and because YOU DIDN"T want to end it. You not wanting to end it tells him that his needs and circumstances might actually be considered now. Give him his space for now, unless you suspect that something else is going on. It wouldn't hurt to keep your anger in check, and keep his circumstances in mind in the future too.

[jessZ]

Thank you so much Incognito! It is really great to hear from someone that has been in a similar situation. I can see now that I was too demanding with him, especially given his circumstances. I really really don't want to make that mistake again. I think he feels like he is pushed from all sides, and I turned out to be an extra 'burden' because I'd get so upset with him over small things. I regret not accepting his efforts to fix things :-(

We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and set a few emails back and forth this week, and we're going out together this Saturday and Sunday, which is great, but overall he has cooled right off.... I don't have a problem giving him space, but I have noticed that the tone of his texts/emails are pretty different now. The sweet/cute names are gone and it is more like the way I guess friends would write to each other. Do you think he has lost some feelings for me, or is he backing off in this way to manage my expectations of him??

[cmacattack1]

It does sound like he has cooled off a bit. I'm sure this "Taking things slow" thing has probably got alarms going off in your head and it has every reason to. It seems that the relationship is breaking down and the taking things slow is just making the detachment more gradual. It'd be one thing if you guys weren't talking and you had a reason to miss each other, but you guys are still talking and it doesn't seem like anything has changed no matter what plan you put into action right now. I guess you can gauge from how Saturday and Sunday goes to really feel what is necessary.

Space and time apart is my opinion. Without you in his life he may feel a void.

[Incognito]

I agree. Only time will tell. I personally lost a lot of love for my wife because of what went on the first few years of our marriage. It will never be the same as when we first got married. I will never be the same as when we first got married. Some actions force reactions from your partner. Unwarranted negative actions can force people to "put up a wall" to protect themselves (an action that I am all to familiar with having to do). Anyway, if this doesn't work out let it be a learning experience. You also have to ask yourself how much attention you really need. If you are one of those people who truly need A LOT of attention to feel appreciated and secure then this particulal relationship may not be what you need, no matter how much you like the guy. If you "made it work" with him and his busy schedule you WILL end up resenting him later, for after you get settled with each other you tend to expect what you really want from your significat other (whether that be more time, more sex, or whatever). You can't supress your true needs and desires forever.

[jessZ]

Thanks guys, this really has been a learning experience for me. Since he has cooled things off I matched this by giving him loads of space, which I felt I needed for myself as well to get some perspective on the whole situation. Over the past couple of days he has been calling and emailing me a lot more, said he misses me yesterday, so I take these as good signs but I am still aware that we're on rather shaky ground.

I do want this to work, and really really don't want to fall into old patterns... But because I am the one who fought to keep him, I feel insecure about whether he truly wants this right now... Can I take it as a good sign that he has started contacting me more over the past couple of days? He said he is in love with me but is scared of things getting more and more serious, because it is really hard for him to devote the time to us at the moment. I am not sure whether this means that he loves me, but sees not future in it, or that he loves me but feels pressured and doesn't want to let me down.

[Gigabitch]

Well, my friend Lissie always says that men tell us exactly the truth if we're only willing to listen. He's calling you, he misses you, but he's saying very clearly that he's not really available. Listen to that. Hear that. Don't lean on this guy and don't count on him.

[jessZ]

Thanks Giga, I guess deep down I know that is right...I can't depend on him, at least not completely.

I think for now I'll just go with the flow and see what happens. I feel a lot more relaxed about it, not really stressing or thinking about it so much now. I spoke to him and we emailed back and forth a few times yesterday, he said he misses me and we definately need to see each other more, and I agreed... But still, I am going to leave the ball in his court, getting on with my own life and I'll just see where it leads. He really is a wonderful guy, so by giving this space and time to breathe I hope that it can work. If not, I have had a valuable learning experience for future relationships.