How to find out how he feels...

[everydaymatters]

I'm 52 years old and was divorced in 2009 after a very unhappy 18 year marriage, which was really over for years before we officially ended it. Being on my own again and getting to know myself again was great, but after a few months, the lack of physical intimacy and human touch got the best of me. I'm not into the bar scene, and the online dating sites left alot to be desired. One lonely night after a couple of glasses of wine, I posted the following ad on craigslist:

I believe in just getting it out there and laying my cards on the table. I'm divorced and not looking for a LTR. I am looking for a man who is not married, who is d/d free and who is not looking for a LTR but would be interested in a "mutually beneficial" NSA situation. I'm not looking for a one night stand. Instead, if the chemistry is there and we enjoy each other's company, this could continue for as long as we both agree. You must be at least 40 years old... so if you're under 40, do not reply.

I received about 35 responses, narrowed them down to 8, and sent those 8 a questionnaire of sorts via e-mail. I was able to eliminate 5 more once I received the answers to my questions. The 3 remaining candidates and I exchanged a few e-mails and photos. There was one guy who stood out from the other two, not just because of his looks, but because of the e-mails that we exchanged. We have alot in common and he is such a caring and unselfish person. After a couple of phone calls, we decided to meet at a restaurant. The chemistry was there immediately.... we just clicked.

We've been seeing each other for 3 months. We exchange e-mails daily and he calls me every night. Because of work schedules, we only get to see each other once a week. We get along great and the sex is amazing. So, what's the problem? I have feelings for him that I had not planned on. In my craigslist post, I made it clear that I was not looking for a relationship or anything with strings attached. However, I really do care about him and would be interested in pursuing more than just a casual relationship. Below is a portion of one of the earliest e-mails that he sent me:

I am divorced, have a nice home, but I miss having someone to please and to please me without all the problems that sometimes come with it. Someday I will probably look for soul mate, but for now I am a man that has needs and I'd like to find someone that sounds like you - someone who also has needs but without the drama and complications.

He's been divorced since 1993, and it's been over a year since his last relationship. When he found my ad on craigslist, he was there looking for bicycles and happened to see the personals section for the first time. I'm finally getting to my questions for all you guys. Do I ... or how do I let him know that I am open to more than just a casual relationship? Since he calls me every night and e-mails me every morning, do I have reason to think that he also is interested in more than a casual relationship as well. I don't believe in playing games, and only know how to be myself. Any advice?

[vashti]

Well, I'm not a male, but it seems to me that if you advertise for a man who isn't interested in a real relationship, that's probably what you are going to get.

It's possible he has developed deeper feelings, but the only way you will find out for sure is to ask him. If he remains uninterested in pursuing anything more, then I suggest you get rid of him because unrequited feelings are difficult to manage.

Next time you place an ad, you should try to be a little more honest with yourself about what you really want from a man.

[everydaymatters]

Thanks for your response, Vashti. When I posted the ad, I was honest with myself at the time and was not interested in a LTR. As I said, I didn't plan on having feelings for him, it just happened.

I really am interested in hearing a man's point of view.

[vashti]

Thanks for your response, Vashti. When I posted the ad, I was honest with myself at the time and was not interested in a LTR.

Yeah, I get that. Coming out of a long term marriage, I can see how you might have thought you wouldn't want to be "stuck" again. I suppose being stuck with someone you actually like doesn't sound so unappealing.

[davidtorres]

bring it up to the guy but dont come to strong. Just ask him what do you think of being in dating first. Just hear what he needs to say.

[intrepid1]

Based solely on the excerpt from his email I would say he is probably open to the idea. It sounds like he too would like to find the ideal companion, but does not necessarily want to advertise this, especially if he could by perceived by some as financially well off. Take it slow, don't be pushy, and see where it goes. My gut feeling is that you & he are on the same page, & he may be feeling the same things you are (and having the same reservations) as you are right now. Good luck!

[everydaymatters]

Thanks, intrepid1, my gut feeling is the same as yours. I am going to take your advice... being patient and making sure that I'm not pushy is best. There's no reason to rush things anyway.