Is something afoot?

[OneQuestion]

If i am in a 5+ year relationship, the least i could do is tell my partner that things are not working well lately, that maybe we need change..something...That's the mature thing to do.

I agree that is what we would hope mature people would do, but that isn't how it usually happens.

[girl68]

I smell something bad. I wouldn't like it at all. Especially the "girls night" then having you come and she saying he can't. Not sure what you should do about it, hopefully you can accidentily catch her when she has a slip up.

Also you might be able to mention that answering text messages in the bathroom when you used to do it freely is odd. No shame in mentioning you find that extremely odd.

[icebox]

Let me ask you this, ice. Whose idea was to share everything? The credit cards, pins, passwords and all that stuff. Are you both naturally this way, or was it one of you that decided this was a good idea?

It was in no way planned, but I'd say that it's more her style. She doesn't know my passwords, for instance. But several times she's asked me to take out some cash, my PIN is XXXX, or could you check my email? the password is XXXX.

I've never been in a situation where I've needed to do those sort of things. She has. And it doesn't seem like she minds.

[Gigabitch]

If i am in a 5+ year relationship, the least i could do is tell my partner that things are not working well lately, that maybe we need change..something...That's the mature thing to do.

Well, not everyone has your level of personal integrity.

He definitely gives her a lot of attention, no doubt about that. I wouldn't categorize him as especially attractive, though. But he seems to be excellent with words (I've only seen them in writing, of course).
Although, when we were on a break very early in the relationship, I know she had several visits from her old boyfriend, but she's never told me about that.
Might be some indication that she's prone to keeping these sort of matters close to the heart.

She's supposed to keep YOU close to her heart.

[Asip4u]

Well, not everyone has your level of personal integrity.



She's supposed to keep YOU close to her heart.

I know people are capable of anything but ice is very good at tracking her messages(as he proved) and he still hasn't found anything wrong. In fact, he doesn't even think that she'd sleep with him. The problem is he doesn't like the fact this guy is giving her so much attention. People do FAR worse. He needs to sit down and tell her exactly what's bothering him and ask her what she thinks...If he goes too far with this, he could end up losing her over something so small.

[OneQuestion]

I know people are capable of anything but ice is very good at tracking her messages(as he proved) and he still hasn't found anything wrong. In fact, he doesn't even think that she'd sleep with him. The problem is he doesn't like the fact this guy is giving her so much attention. People do FAR worse. He needs to sit down and tell her exactly what's bothering him and ask her what she thinks...If he goes too far with this, he could end up losing her over something so small.

I don't think anyone thinks they have slept together, but cheating doesn't only include sex; it includes emotional cheating as well. As for sitting down and talking to her, he can't, at least not yet, without revealing the spying.

[icebox]

I know people are capable of anything but ice is very good at tracking her messages(as he proved) and he still hasn't found anything wrong. In fact, he doesn't even think that she'd sleep with him. The problem is he doesn't like the fact this guy is giving her so much attention. People do FAR worse. He needs to sit down and tell her exactly what's bothering him and ask her what she thinks...If he goes too far with this, he could end up losing her over something so small.

People definitely do far worse. I didn't say I don't think she'll sleep with him, but I'm sure she hasn't until now. They simply couldn't have found the time.
Even if I don't see him as an attractive male doesn't mean she concurs.

After easter, I'll be spending a week away from our apartment (some speaking gigs etc..), so I'm a bit tense about that.

And yes, I should talk to her about it. The problem is HOW, since I'm not supposed to know about any of those conversations. So in theory, I don't know that some other guy is hitting-on/giving her so much attention.

[Asip4u]

I don't think anyone thinks they have slept together, but cheating doesn't only include sex; it includes emotional cheating as well. As for sitting down and talking to her, he can't, at least not yet, without revealing the spying.

The whole emotional cheating..I simply don't believe in that. If you go by that..Everyone is a cheater!

[Gigabitch]

He needs to sit down and tell her exactly what's bothering him and ask her what she thinks...

I agree completely. All this cloak and dagger stuff isn't helping.

After easter, I'll be spending a week away from our apartment (some speaking gigs etc..), so I'm a bit tense about that.

And yes, I should talk to her about it. The problem is HOW, since I'm not supposed to know about any of those conversations. So in theory, I don't know that some other guy is hitting-on/giving her so much attention.

Sit her down and talk to her tonight about how you feel something is off in your relationship. If you don't have the balls to tell her how much evidence you have, just tell her about the things that made you suspicious in the first place- the changed behavior, the secretive texting, etc. Ask her point blank if she's shopping around.

[OneQuestion]

The whole emotional cheating..I simply don't believe in that. If you go by that..Everyone is a cheater!

Not me... The girl I'm with, was my first(sex). I had dated girls in the past, for LONG amounts of time(8 months plus) with no sex. That was at age 17(prime sex age). I didn't have sex with that GF because I didn't see myself being with her forever. I know. I'm a guy and I didn't jump on sex. I had the whole thought of I want to find a girl and be her first and her be my first. Well, I became 19 and basically NO girls were virgins anymore. And in college, all you see is SLUTS, complete and utter SLUTS! It is disgusting! But anyways, maybe I am one of the few with real love still? I think it actually has to do with being a first love.

I've heard before, and believe, that love is like a bandaid. The first time it sticks the hardest, if you pull it off and re-apply, it sticks less, and less, and less.

Anyways, I would never cheat in any way on my girl. I am nervious being around single girls even! I don't like to even talk to a girl who I think is single(if I am not with my GF). Sure if some lady on the street asks the time, I'll say it. But I DON'T start relationships of anytype with a female. All the females I know are either my girls friends, or my friends girlfriends.

I only wish my girl was a virgin when we met, but as I said, that was almost an impossiblity to find. It hurts me every day that she has had partners before me, and had sex before me. And that we didn't get to share our first time together. But that is in the past, and I never hold it against her, but it does hurt me.

Anyways, I think I just rambled on about nothing ;p

[icebox]

Sit her down and talk to her tonight about how you feel something is off in your relationship. If you don't have the balls to tell her how much evidence you have, just tell her about the things that made you suspicious in the first place- the changed behavior, the secretive texting, etc. Ask her point blank if she's shopping around.

I agree, and I will. But not tonight. If I hadn't setup the surveillance, I wouldn't have been as suspicious as I am today. So I'm going to wait it out another week before I start accusing her of looking around for another guy.
And who knows, maybe something'll change in a week or two?

[Asip4u]

I agree, and I will. But not tonight. If I hadn't setup the surveillance, I wouldn't have been as suspicious as I am today. So I'm going to wait it out another week before I start accusing her of looking around for another guy.
And who knows, maybe something'll change in a week or two?

Listen to Giga. If she does have feelings for this guy or someone else, it's better you find out asap. You are telling us that something is off so you have the right to find out. As you said, you don't want to be in a loveless relationship so no point taking this any further. I think you are waiting because you want 100% proof that something is happening with them. I don't think anything major will happen but do what you wish...

[IndiReloaded]

Yes, her behaviour is suspicious. No question.

Yes, your snooping is beyond what most would, or could, do. Right or wrong about it is a different issue. Point here is, you have evidence that she is at least leading on another guy. You can't ignore the data b/c of where it came from.

Asip has a point: people so have these kinds of flirtations all the time and they often lead nowhere. If we were responsible for the thoughts in our head, many of us would be cheaters several times over. But she is taking action, especially with the meet ups, so I think this is beyond a possible work crush.

So, maybe she's bored in your current relationship and is just looking for distraction, maybe this Michael is too. But, as another guy, you must acknowledge this other guy wouldn't be sniffing around your GF unless he was chasing something more. The fact he's recently joined her workplace (Jan) and this started is a huge red flag, IMO. Sounds to me like this guy is hustling for your girl, if half-heartedly b/c 1. he knows she has you, or 2. he's not that into her but isn't above some flirting. Sounds like your GF isn't above acting like a monkey ready to jump to the next, more interesting branch if it will support her weight.

Up to you what to do with this info. Personally, I think you have more than enough evidence to confront her now. Tho, fessing up all of what you know could just cause her to get better at lying about it and she could still blow your concerns off somewhat reasonably. I think you should monitor things a bit longer, see if they have a planned meetup that she lies about, and then show up to it. Catch her red-handed, so to speak and THEN have your serious conversation.

Good luck.

[icebox]

Spent a couple of hours with some friends, came back and checked the logs. It appears they've kissed several times. Which was a couple times too many for my taste. So I packed a couple of bags and left. Oh, well. Shit happens, this is just how it is sometimes.

Ok, guys. Thanks for the tips and advice! Looking forward to getting on the plane back home tomorrow.

[SirWagginston]

Spent a couple of hours with some friends, came back and checked the logs. It appears they've kissed several times. Which was a couple times too many for my taste. So I packed a couple of bags and left. Oh, well. Shit happens, this is just how it is sometimes.

Ok, guys. Thanks for the tips and advice! Looking forward to getting on the plane back home tomorrow.

If I were in your shoes, I would be packing more than a couple bags. I would be packing enough to move into a new place on my own.