Ready for a long post?

[OneQuestion]

Ok all. I came to this forum recently and asked about my GF watching porn. I also answered some questions, and have been called out for calling girls Sluts a little too much. So I have my love life I'd like to share, because I do have some problems...

I have thought of going to a therapist, but I haven't yet... Anyways, here we go...

Ok, so. I met my current fiance my first year of college. I was a virgin, she wasn't. At first we became friends. She actually started dating my friend. They dated for less than a week, but they did have sex. Anyways, she HAD a boyfriend at home, from highschool, that she was still in a relationship with. I even heard on her message machine him say "i love you" at the end of a message during that first week of school. Well anyways, she cheated on him wth my friend, and she never broke up with him, she just stopped talking to him. Her mom got calls from the boy back home asking what happened to her, but she never once 'broke up' with him, she just stopped communication. Ok, so I really like this girl. I don't know why, but I do. I know I don't want to get with her, she just had a boyfriend that she cheated on and yea(what I just said)... So I was friends with her first at college, for like 2 months. She was with me EVERY DAY, so I knew she wasn't with anyone else for some time. After those 2 months, we started kissing, then I started giving her oral for like a month(she didn't give me), then we had sex a little after that and have been together ever since(kind of - read on).

Ok so all through college things were good, except this one time... Let me explain then move on.

This one time at college, AFTER, we had sex and were together, my friend visited and I stayed home waiting for him to arrive while my GF went to a party(it was halloween). Well he got in late, about 11PM. I called my GF and she didn't answer, so me and my friend decided to go party and try to reach her a little later(like call ever 15minutes). Well, we ended up going to the SAME party she was at. She met me outside then we decided to go somewhere else. Well she invited along this guy, and was kind of being really close to him, enough so that my friend that was visiting me said, "hey your girl is kinda hanging all over that guy". So I talked to her about this, and since that day I haven't noticed really anything in terms of her cheating, she is with me almost always and very loving.

Ok, moving on. 2nd Problem. We had a split about 2 years ago. After we got back from college(oh yea, we lived together 3 of the 4 years of college as well), after we got back we also lived together. Things were going ok, but after about 1 year, all the sudden, she was gone when I came home one day. Her stuff moved out and she left a letter saying she thinks we are on different paths and blah blah.

I did the typical call her a lot and beg for only about 1 day. I read a lot online about 'how to get your GF back'. Saying that begging is bad. I met her the day after we broke up for lunch, it was emotional, she wouldn't take me back but she was very caring and loving still, not like a bitch to me. Anyways, we stayed friends for a while(2 weeks) then we started hanging out more, and we did get back together(3 weeks). She didn't move back in yet though, which was VERY HARD. We would see eachother about 3 times a week, and the other nights were HELL. One day she said on the phone she wasn't feeling great and just going to go to sleep early... well, I drove out to her house(30mins away) at 3:30AM, and her car WASN'T THERE. I actually confronted her about this, because I met her the next day at 11AM(don't know how she was awake, I was awake because of the adreanaline perhaps), at her house, and her car was ther in the driveway. I asked what she did las night, she nothing, I said where was your car? I said a friend of mine said your car wasn't here, I asked him to drive by. She just said I was acting creepy and didn't really say anything. Another night she said she wasn't doing anything, the next day I was at her house(at night - the next night), and she was very tired, at like 9PM she fell asleep. Her parents said she was out late the night before, probably why she was tired...

Ok, so moving on,what I said in the last paragraph was BEFORE we started having sex again. After 3 weeks we started having sex again. Then I check her phone. nothing in the inbox that seems suspecious, but I check her sent messages... I read(at least I THINK this is what they said)
-I cleaned my room and everything
-But I want it now
-Better get off work so we can have a quickie

Ok so i ask her about this, she deleted her phone messages(I read them quickly, I should have studied them more...) Anyways, when discussing with her, she said it didn't say quickie, but quickly(quickly doesn't fit into my sentence... but perhaps I had the sentence wrong?) But I am also curious why she would send a text to a boy telling him her room is clean...

Well I have asked her 2 or 3 times since then if she slept with anyone or a guy named blank(guy from text message). She said no, she told me 2 times she hasn't slept with anyone other then me since the first time we had sex... I find that sooo hard to beleive, but she was soo convincing..

Ok, so we got back together still, that didn't break us up. We were together 2 more weeks, I had givin her a pomise ring(not a cheezy cheap one, $500) during this time. I had givin her one before she left me(4 years ago-a cheaper $100). She no longer had that one, so I gave her this new one. ) Anyways, we were together for 3 more weeks, then one night she told me she didn't love me and left again, leaving the promise ring.

I was complete crushed, but this time, I didn't even call her. I wanted her back, but I didn't care to contact her, I was to hurt. My friends all told me to forget about her. But about 7 days later, she texted me, "how you doing". I didn't answer. A couple days after that she called and we started talking. We got back together that night. I gave her back the ring, we both cried, she said she was sorry, she was so stupid, etc.

Since then(almost 2 years ago) things have been great(we are engaged), but I still do have a problem. I know now she loves me, we are now engaged, being married soon. Sex is great, I know she is faithful now, and she was never really unfaithful, because we were kind of split during the time she *might* of been with someone else. We were 'dating' but she said we were on a 'trial'. She moved back in after we got back together that 2nd time(just a little after that, a week or so). We got engaged only like 2 months after getting back together that 2nd time.

So yea. I don't know what I am asking. I guess I just wanted to post my story. I guess I just have lots of pain inside. Thoughts are always racing through my head about if she was lieing to me, and if she did sleep with someone 2 years ago... but if she did, who cares, we weren't technicaly exclusive(although I said to her we were, I don't know if she agreed(she said ok, but we weren't living together and those lies and texts... - I'm talking during this break up period, not the whole relationship)

The thing is, as long as she is faithful to me from this day forward, I should be happy right... so why do I keep dwelling on the past. I try not to let it hurt our relationship, and it doesn't for the most part, but sometimes when it is really on my mind for a day or two, she has even asked me, "are you ok, you seem distant". This doens't happen often, only has like 1 or 2 times, but she has noticed. She said it looked like I was just not here. Because I was stuck in my mind, thinking things out. I told her I'm ok of course, and didn't bring anything up. I have already brought it up in the past, I have asked her (after we got engaged), if she has slept with anyone other than me, since the first time we had sex over 5 years ago. She said no... Now I should have continued, then and there, with more questions, like, "why did tell a guy your room was clean" and other questions about those texts, and also about why she lied to me. But I didn't, and I don't want to bring it up again, because I feel nothing good will come but an arguement.

Anyways, I think my problem is I am self destructive. I used to be a cutter. From sophmore year up till I met my GF(5 years later). She met me and knew me and knew I cut, but after getting together with her, she kind of gave me an altimatum, saying if I loved her I wouldn't need to cut. So I did stop, amazingly, I don't even know how(shows I love her I think!). I have made a couple slips(like 1 cut a year, but nothing major as compared to like 25+ cuts a day I was doing). So I don't cut anymore really, but I still have like the 'mindset', things run through my mind, I smoke to much sometimes, I kind of feel like I make myself depressed on purpose(even though I don't want to)

So yea... That's me :/

[Gigabitch]

Okay, I am pretty sure you don't want to hear this, but I think your relationship with this girl is the most self-destructive thing about you. If you were my little brother I would do everything in my power to stop you from marrying her. I know you trust her, but I don't, and I think marrying her would be a huge mistake.

She's incredibly selfish, and as loving as she can be when you're together, it seems like she gets bored and distracted easily and has a very shaky moral code to keep her acting right. That makes it hard for me to believe that she's faithful, really. What she is is faithful so far, as far as you know, except for some stuff that *might* have happened. Not the same thing.

Look, marriage isn't easy. It's going to be very difficult to begin with, and almost impossible with someone as self-centered as she is.

I think you deserve someone as committed as you are, and I don't think it's her.

[OneQuestion]

Okay, I am pretty sure you don't want to hear this, but I think your relationship with this girl is the most self-destructive thing about you. If you were my little brother I would do everything in my power to stop you from marrying her. I know you trust her, but I don't, and I think marrying her would be a huge mistake.

She's incredibly selfish, and as loving as she can be when you're together, it seems like she gets bored and distracted easily and has a very shaky moral code to keep her acting right. That makes it hard for me to believe that she's faithful, really. What she is is faithful so far, as far as you know, except for some stuff that *might* have happened. Not the same thing.

Look, marriage isn't easy. It's going to be very difficult to begin with, and almost impossible with someone as self-centered as she is.

I think you deserve someone as committed as you are, and I don't think it's her.

Thanks so much for reading my long post. What you said is hard to hear, but I understand what you are saing. I don't think I will ever be able to let her go. If I ever catch her cheating, or if she ever leaves me again, then I would be able to let her go.

[Gigabitch]

It breaks my heart to see people throwing themselves up against the rocks like this. I hope you don't get too shredded.

[girl68]

You should not be getting married. You're marrying her because you want to claim her for good. Sure, you love her but that's not the real reason you're marrying her. You want to tie her down. You should be working out the trust issue here THEN getting married. You think marrying her will fix your problems and make you worry less. It will not.

[OneQuestion]

You should not be getting married. You're marrying her because you want to claim her for good. Sure, you love her but that's not the real reason you're marrying her. You want to tie her down. You should be working out the trust issue here THEN getting married. You think marrying her will fix your problems and make you worry less. It will not.

No, I know marrying her won't make me worry less. I will worry for the rest of my life. We have all heard the phrase, "once a cheater, always a cheater". So of course, since she was both cheated on(didn't say in my story, her first BF cheated on her), and she cheated on others, I am always going to be worried. But, should I throw this away. I love her SOOOO much. It does kill me, but like I said, I think it is my problem. I was a cutter like I said. I am sort of self destructive. You woudln't know if you met me, I hide it well. I am very cheerful and fun to be around. But inside I am hurting(this has been going on since I was like 16). I always have bad thoughts in my head. I always overthink things. Who's to say I don't have the same thoughts with a next girlfriend... should I throw this one away, with a girl I love so much, to just maybe have the same problem in the future... Or should I just fight through it and hope she never cheats on me?

I wish she was a virgin when I got with her, and we fell so deeply in love we never thought of anyone else. Like me, that seems how I am. All I think of is her, and I feel like it may be because she was my first... although I had PLENTY of chances in the past, a girl even asked me(one I had dated for 8 months) to stick my penis in her(with a condom on) so she could see how it feels... obviously she wanted sex... I never did it, because I wanted to wait for a girl who I could see myself being with FOREVER... she wasn't that girl. I did have sex with my fiance', I felt/feel like I could be with her forever, and still do... Ahh, I feel like I am rambling...

[girl68]

You you got my post all wrong. Unlike Giga, I'm not saying you shouldn't be marrying her (though she doesn't seem like angel) I'm saying you need to do a lot more work before you marry her. You're marrying her for all the wrong reasons. You are not READY to be married, to her or anyone else.

There are things, and thoughts that will destroy your marriage despite all the love you claim to have, that doesn't mean shit when you're a self destructing man like yourself. You should be waiting a long time before getting married, there is far too much wrong in this relationship to be committing for life.

Also you really need to work on this whole virgin sex thing. That is all you ever talk about which means no matter what you say it is a HUGE deal for you, almost a dealbreaker. Time for some REAL help one, go talk to a therapist NOW.

[cmacattack1]

Better to not bring the marriage too quickly that could end in divorce as opposed to building a stronger base for a marriage. I agree with girl. You are still having doubts and these things are eating you up, even though a marriage and the "promised" bliss are what I think you are holding out for. Like it will be a weight off your mind when it happens. It won't be and it could get ugly if it doesn't work out.

I can see where Giga is coming from about not marrying her. She does have alot to work on and being engaged to you might be too much comfort to work on it. And this works doubly for you.

[OneQuestion]

You you got my post all wrong. Unlike Giga, I'm not saying you shouldn't be marrying her (though she doesn't seem like angel) I'm saying you need to do a lot more work before you marry her. You're marrying her for all the wrong reasons. You are not READY to be married, to her or anyone else.

There are things, and thoughts that will destroy your marriage despite all the love you claim to have, that doesn't mean shit when you're a self destructing man like yourself. You should be waiting a long time before getting married, there is far too much wrong in this relationship to be committing for life.

Also you really need to work on this whole virgin sex thing. That is all you ever talk about which means no matter what you say it is a HUGE deal for you, almost a dealbreaker. Time for some REAL help one, go talk to a therapist NOW.

I actually agree with you, in your saying ' you are not ready to be married '.. I am ready in the fact that I don't care to go sleep with other girls, but I do have some problems in my mind that should be resolved. I just feel I can never talk to her about this.. I feel all I can do is just keep waiting, and hope she stays loving and never strays...

I know I have a huge problem with not being her first. The thing is, I will never be anyones first. I am 25 years old, and really, I don't care to do to someone else what was done to me. The thing is, my fiance' DIDN'T know I was a virgin until AFTER we had sex. Not till like 3 months later actually. This is because when we first met, before she dated my friend, we had talked about 'previous sex' we had. Well I was the last to talk, nobody else was a virgin, so I just said some names from girls I knew in highschool(2 girls names). So my girlfriend didn't know I was a virgin, so I can't blame her for taking mine. And I don't blame her for having sex before me. I do love her, and I know she loves me. We are engaged already, if I stopped the engagement she could leave me?!?! Plus, lose a lot of cash... Plus, I think I do want to be with her forever... I know it hurts, but what I am saying is I think it is just me, and would be like this with any girl, so if I don't want to lose her now/forever, I can't stop the wedding.

[Asip4u]

No, I know marrying her won't make me worry less. I will worry for the rest of my life. We have all heard the phrase, "once a cheater, always a cheater". So of course, since she was both cheated on(didn't say in my story, her first BF cheated on her), and she cheated on others, I am always going to be worried. But, should I throw this away. I love her SOOOO much. It does kill me, but like I said, I think it is my problem. I was a cutter like I said. I am sort of self destructive. You woudln't know if you met me, I hide it well. I am very cheerful and fun to be around. But inside I am hurting(this has been going on since I was like 16). I always have bad thoughts in my head. I always overthink things. Who's to say I don't have the same thoughts with a next girlfriend... should I throw this one away, with a girl I love so much, to just maybe have the same problem in the future... Or should I just fight through it and hope she never cheats on me?

You answered a lot of of questions right in that post above. You're definitely too hard on yourself and that has to change. I know it's easier said than done but you really have to calm yourself down and not think about certain aspects (especially the virgin stuff). You'll be ok bud.

[girl68]

Yes you can stop the wedding. You don't have to call off the engagement you have to prolong it. You are simply not ready. Being ready does not mean you have no longing to spread your seed. Being ready means that plus so so so much more. You are missing all the SO SO SO much more.

Also being your issue with sex, that's going to magnify a 1000 times if you marry her without resolution.

[OneQuestion]

I know I have a huge problem with not being her first. The thing is, I will never be anyones first. I am 25 years old, and really, I don't care to do to someone else what was done to me. The thing is, my fiance' DIDN'T know I was a virgin until AFTER we had sex. Not till like 3 months later actually. This is because when we first met, before she dated my friend, we had talked about 'previous sex' we had. Well I was the last to talk, nobody else was a virgin, so I just said some names from girls I knew in highschool(2 girls names). So my girlfriend didn't know I was a virgin, so I can't blame her for taking mine. And I don't blame her for having sex before

I think this is my main problem. I let myself stray from my values, and let myself be taken by an unpure woman. Now I love her, but I have all these horrid thoughts... It is my fault

[OneQuestion]

Yes you can stop the wedding. You don't have to call off the engagement you have to prolong it. You are simply not ready. Being ready does not mean you have no longing to spread your seed. Being ready means that plus so so so much more. You are missing all the SO SO SO much more.

Also being your issue with sex, that's going to magnify a 1000 times if you marry her without resolution.

It is march, wedding in july. I could stop it, but like I said, If I postpone or stop it, there is a good chance the relationship will end... also, perhaps the people will be ok with delaying the scheduled date, but if not, could lose some cash as well(not like cash matters when love is at hand, just saying)

[girl68]

Whatever man, you're so not ready for this. Neither is she. I have a very bad feeling. I suspect you will have many posts dealing with these very same issues for a long time to come.

[OneQuestion]

Now I am feeling like... why did I write this post... Hehe.... DON'T FEEL BAD girl68... I LOVE YOU for telling me your opinion. Like Gigabitch said, it is just hard to hear. I am one who always is open for outside opinions, and feel they usually give good insight. I know I am a little thought crazy, and maybe am not seeing something... I don't know. I feel crazy right now cus my GF gets home from work soon and now I'm all depressed, and like for no reason(she will think). I need to put on a mask and quick... And hope no cuts happen...