Can't get over her, any advice?

[telmach1155]

So about 4 years ago me and my ex broke up. We we're together for about a year and best friends before that. She was the person i trusted the most in the world. I have issues talking to people openly but i never did with her. I loved everything about her and I honestly thought she was perfect. Then we moved apart from eachother and things got tough. her feelings were never as strong towards me as mine towards her and when we moved away we started fighting alot because of who was trying more. Finally I ended things i told her that i wanted to be with her and if we couldn't do that I couldn't be involved with her and I would need time before we could ever be friends again, if we were at all. She would send me messages every once in a while asking why we couldn't just be friends again. Eventually I told her to just leave me alone altogether. I've been with other girls since her but nothing ever serious mostly due to the fact that I have trouble trusting people since her. Recently we moved closer to eachother and then about 4 months ago she messaged me and I responded and tried to fix things. I want my best friend back, i want the person I used to have to talk to, but as we continue to hang out my old feelings continue to get stronger again. She has a boyfriend shes been dating for about 3 years and hanging out with her involves seeing her with him and it drives me nuts. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can tell her how i feel for fear of driving her away, if i dont tell her i think it will drive me nuts and eventually I'll just flip and tell her to leave me alone again. I know shes not interested in me anymore. I realize I'm basically in between a rock and a hard place. Even if this gets no responses I just needed to write it somewhere public and get it out.

[cmacattack1]

Tough situation man.

By all means, if telling her how you feel will make you feel better and put your mind at ease, than you should do it.

However, what are you expectations? You aren't having a fantasy of winning her back to you with a speech are you? The odds of her just leaving her boyfriend after that aren't very likely. Maybe you don't care, and just want to get it out and that's fine too.

Even if it does, could you guys logically be together like you want?

Seeing how you dumped her and are coming at her, it could mean that you bring back some pain and unhappiness. Which should be gone after three years but who knows. I would say it might be disrespectful of their relationship, but if they aren't secure with each other and their relationship, that isn't really an issue involving you. If they are, you are just going to be brushed off and wrote off as an afterthought.

It takes some balls to say that and if they are for the right reasons and you can handle the almost certain rejection...

[urkiddingme]

if your having a really tough day, think of all the positives of not being with her.

think of all the little things about her that bugged you, or something.

i do not know if i should suggest this type of thinking all the time, because it could be considered "bitter" , it is reserved for tough days i guess.

[soulsurvivor23]

Here's my thing. Right now i'm kind of in the situation you were in 4 years ago, so I completely understand. I may be speaking with a narrow minded view here and if so I apologize in advance, BUT in my situation the girl and I became friends at first. Then those feelings developed into a more than friend feelings on both sides. We got extremely close in a romantic way and then she kind of pulled back saying she wanted us to be best friends. At first I felt like "best friends" was better than not being friends at all. But even as a "best friend" my romantic feelings for her were still there. Eventually I realized that it was just tearing me up inside to have her as a "best friend" when what I really wanted was a gf. She called me selfish for that but in all this time i've had to myself lately, I think she's the selfish one for expecting me to be ok with being the close friend while knowing I'm in love with her, while she has a bf. I don't really know what to say given how long ago it was that you two broke up, but I still think that even if you continue to talk to her it should be at arms length. You don't want to set yourself up to have your heart broken again.

[telmach1155]

Tough situation man.

By all means, if telling her how you feel will make you feel better and put your mind at ease, than you should do it.

However, what are you expectations? You aren't having a fantasy of winning her back to you with a speech are you? The odds of her just leaving her boyfriend after that aren't very likely. Maybe you don't care, and just want to get it out and that's fine too.

Even if it does, could you guys logically be together like you want?

Seeing how you dumped her and are coming at her, it could mean that you bring back some pain and unhappiness. Which should be gone after three years but who knows. I would say it might be disrespectful of their relationship, but if they aren't secure with each other and their relationship, that isn't really an issue involving you. If they are, you are just going to be brushed off and wrote off as an afterthought.

It takes some balls to say that and if they are for the right reasons and you can handle the almost certain rejection...

Just you saying this has me thinking in directions I haven't before and I'm extremely grateful for that. I honestly have no clue what my expectations are. I want my best friend back honestly. I'm on my way to having that. But being around her is driving me nuts now because i guess i never really stopped being in love with her. I just need to get it out for my own sanity. As much I i don't like her bf i know it's just because he's her bf. I don't see anything i'm going to say breaking them up. I know she wants me back too as her friend because she kept contacting me and because she said that she doesn't talk to people like she can talk to me. Idk what telling her will do, If she told me she had feelings for me I'd take her back in less than a second, but i don't see that happening. I guess I have some thinking to do on that front, i just know that loving her in general and being around her and not being able to express it is driving me nuts. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do on that front. Thanks !

[telmach1155]

Here's my thing. Right now i'm kind of in the situation you were in 4 years ago, so I completely understand. I may be speaking with a narrow minded view here and if so I apologize in advance, BUT in my situation the girl and I became friends at first. Then those feelings developed into a more than friend feelings on both sides. We got extremely close in a romantic way and then she kind of pulled back saying she wanted us to be best friends. At first I felt like "best friends" was better than not being friends at all. But even as a "best friend" my romantic feelings for her were still there. Eventually I realized that it was just tearing me up inside to have her as a "best friend" when what I really wanted was a gf. She called me selfish for that but in all this time i've had to myself lately, I think she's the selfish one for expecting me to be ok with being the close friend while knowing I'm in love with her, while she has a bf. I don't really know what to say given how long ago it was that you two broke up, but I still think that even if you continue to talk to her it should be at arms length. You don't want to set yourself up to have your heart broken again.

Maybe that is my best course of action. It's hard because I have told her I was ok in this respect in the begining and as we talked more, now I'm definitely not.So I mean i need to tell her sort of in order to step back. Now we talk pretty much every day even if just by text, and usually once a week for about 2 hours on the phone. She'd know if i took myself out of the equation so I may just need to tell her to explain to her. But i feel as if you're right and i need to step back a little before something bad happens. I'm just afraid of her not trusting me anymore if i tell her i still have feelings for her.

[soulsurvivor23]

Just you saying this has me thinking in directions I haven't before and I'm extremely grateful for that. I honestly have no clue what my expectations are. I want my best friend back honestly. I'm on my way to having that. But being around her is driving me nuts now because i guess i never really stopped being in love with her. I just need to get it out for my own sanity. As much I i don't like her bf i know it's just because he's her bf. I don't see anything i'm going to say breaking them up. I know she wants me back too as her friend because she kept contacting me and because she said that she doesn't talk to people like she can talk to me. Idk what telling her will do, If she told me she had feelings for me I'd take her back in less than a second, but i don't see that happening. I guess I have some thinking to do on that front, i just know that loving her in general and being around her and not being able to express it is driving me nuts. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do on that front. Thanks !

I know that feeling as well. It drove me nearly insane for almost an entire year. I tried bottling it up and accepting that she had a bf but even though I said I was ok with it, it bothered me every second of every day that I couldn't express what I felt. Eventually it just exploded and I couldn't help it anymore. I would tell her I love her each day, shower her with gifts and practically beg for her and her bf to break up. When that didn't work I even tried to orchestrate the breakup myself (I know, very wrong of me) and when I looked in the mirror at the end of the day, I became someone I never thought I could be. At the end of it all I even started trying to drink away the problems and temporarily became an alcoholic. Of course my situation was to the extreme, trying to no avail to get back this girl for more than a year while her long distance bf did next to nothing to keep her. And not saying that you would ever get to this level, but I think it can happen to anyone in that situation.. And knowing the pain I felt and still feel, I don't think it would be a good idea to get too emotionally involved and attached again.

[telmach1155]

I know that feeling as well. It drove me nearly insane for almost an entire year. I tried bottling it up and accepting that she had a bf but even though I said I was ok with it, it bothered me every second of every day that I couldn't express what I felt. Eventually it just exploded and I couldn't help it anymore. I would tell her I love her each day, shower her with gifts and practically beg for her and her bf to break up. When that didn't work I even tried to orchestrate the breakup myself (I know, very wrong of me) and when I looked in the mirror at the end of the day, I became someone I never thought I could be. At the end of it all I even started trying to drink away the problems and temporarily became an alcoholic. Of course my situation was to the extreme, trying to no avail to get back this girl for more than a year while her long distance bf did next to nothing to keep her. And not saying that you would ever get to this level, but I think it can happen to anyone in that situation.. And knowing the pain I felt and still feel, I don't think it would be a good idea to get too emotionally involved and attached again.

yeah that seems to be the concensus from everyone i talk to. I want my best friend, my mind wants to be friends with her but my heart keeps telling me to try for more. I'm doing exactly what you did, rationalizing everything and TELLING myself its all good , but my heart knows it isn't. This sucks all around, it has just broken me, i don't even want to have anything long lasting with other girls i just compare them to her and they don't stack up. I just don't know how to fix me , even if i was to step back from our friendshipm which honestly is the last thing i want to do.

[Doc Durian]

yeah that seems to be the concensus from everyone i talk to. I want my best friend, my mind wants to be friends with her but my heart keeps telling me to try for more. I'm doing exactly what you did, rationalizing everything and TELLING myself its all good , but my heart knows it isn't. This sucks all around, it has just broken me, i don't even want to have anything long lasting with other girls i just compare them to her and they don't stack up. I just don't know how to fix me , even if i was to step back from our friendshipm which honestly is the last thing i want to do.

Just remember that she was never as into you as you were with her. She just wants a friend out of you. That's unlikely to ever change. How can you compare a possible real mutual love with someone who didn't have the nads to dive into a deep and meaningful relationship with you? She's with another guy for the last 3 years yet is hung up on retaining you as a friend?

How fukced is that?

For her current BF, for you?

A lot of people are great at extracting exactly what they emotionally need from each and every person in their life, despite the needs of their counterparts... but it doesn't make it right.

She had you 100 percent, she didn't want you 100 percent and now she's trying to prevent you from attaining 100 percent with another plus not giving 100 percent to her supposed current be all and end all.

Doesn't work like that.

She can't have her cake and eat it too.

You did right in kicking her to the curb, no matter how tough it was for you.

I've had to do the same myself once and I still have unresolved feelings towards her.... but I've got my dignity and hope for a better future with someone who wants my 100 percent and wants to give me her 100 percent.

Break away, mate. Don't let her suck you back into her world. She's damaged goods and that shit leeches into every aspect of your core being.

[Me_D1]

I am 40 years old, and I just wan to say one thing, BE STRONG and cut her off your life, you will never find anyone else, because you will always think or compare your new female friends to her.
So to me, the only way to move on in your life, is to FORGET about her, yes she is so wonderful, yes she is the greatest of all and yes there is no one like her in the world, but you know what, she is not yours, or with you. get it? move one, have a life, maybe there is a girl even better then her, but you will never know, because you are stock in the past.
That is my opinion, and it is up to you, how you want to live your life, now, or in the past, good luck hope you move on.