GF's Ex Is Pressuring Her To Go On Dinner Dates

[jfw]

For the past two and a half years, I have been dating a wonderful woman who is separated from her husband, but has yet to finalize her divorce. I am divorced and have one child. She has two teenage children. Although separated for several years, my GF had not been able to finalize her divorce because of property settlement issues. Her ex has never accepted her decision to end the marriage and has at times been very hostile toward her.

My GF's divorce proceedings were drawn out and extremely contentious until late last year, when her ex finally relented and agreed to a settlement number. However, my GF did not keep an appointment to sign the papers. She told me that, although she does not want to reconcile, she got cold feet because she believed that her ex "would not be there for her" if she finalized the divorce. (I presume that she meant with regard to raising the kids). She recently told me that she now wishes that she had signed the papers when the opportunity first arose.

In late January, my GF and her ex had a family crisis involving one of their children that caused them to spend a few days together. She told me that the time spent with her ex during the crisis allowed them to mend fences and become more friendly toward each other. She also mentioned that she and her ex discussed their respective relationships with their significant others during the trip.

In late February, my GF's ex asked her to go out to dinner with him on a Friday night. She agreed to go, but did not tell me about this beforehand. Instead, she told me that we could not get together because she had to prepare for a professional obligation the following day (which was true). She subsequently explained that she agreed to the dinner because his stated reason was to discuss family issues and that she did not tell me in advance because she knew that I would not be happy that she had gone out with him on a weekend night rather than spending the time with me.

During the dinner, my GF's ex told her that he was so encouraged by the change in their relationship that he now wants to get back together with her. My GF told him that she was not interested in doing so, and he responded that she was just being stubborn.

Recently, he asked her to go out to dinner again this week to celebrate the anniversary of the date on which they first met. She told me about this last night after I asked whether he had made any further efforts to get together. She said that she had not responded to his request and was torn about what to do because she was afraid that he would become hostile again if she refused.

I argued strenuously that having dinner dates alone with her ex was inappropriate and unwise, especially so here for two very important reasons: (1) he has clearly expressed his desire to reconcile; and (2) he has a history of impulsive antisocial behavior (details omitted). I advised her that night-time "dates" alone with him for dinner or drinks would only encourage him and that she needed to tell him now that "no means no."

I also told her that any potential benefit of agreeing to his request would be far outweighed by the certain and potential damage that would occur to our relationship. While I stopped short of issuing an ultimatum, I told her that I did not believe that our relationship would survive if this were to continue. Much to my relief, she agreed with me and said that she would not meet him for dinner this week.

I would like to ask her to agree that, while it is necessary for each of us to meet occasionally with our exes to discuss family issues, neither my GF or I will go out on night-time "dates" alone with our exes for dinner and drinks. What do you think? Is this a reasonable request under the circumstances? Or am I being too controlling?

[Doc Durian]

No, you're thinking about this with a level head.

[RightSaidNed]

Honestly? I think you did the right thing. Hopefully, she won't decide to ignore what you said, because you're been very honest and right. And whilst he may get angry and try to drag out any remaining divorce details, its far better to nip it in the bid now before he starts thinking he can 'win her back' - add to that, if he has anti-social problems, being alone with a emotional thug unlikely to be a safe enterprise.

Its very clear that the dinner 'on their anniversal' is an attempt by him to try and convince her to give him another go.

[jfw]

Thanks to you both. I am greatly concerned about the safety issue if he initially feels encouraged and then becomes frustrated.

[Incognito]

I am glad that she agreed not to go, but the fact remains that she's already seen him once without telling you. She didn't lie about it, but she sure as hell wasn't truthful. That alone should worry you. While I don't encourage "controlling" anyone, I suggest you keep tabs on her. I don't mean questioning her constantly either. Simply make sure that she tells you where she is going (once), and then find a way to make sure she is actually there. If instances of "family related business" keep coming up you both need to talk about where her feelings fall regarding the ex. Honesty can hurt, but if she wants to patch things up there is nothing you can do, and you'll at least have an honest answer.

[davidtorres]

i would leave her if its like that. too much baggage dude

[jfw]

Thanks for your comments and caveats. She's an amazing woman and I hope things work out. Time will tell.