Wife sends me a text message about sex????

[Incognito]

Okay, I'm caught up. Here we go:

Something seems off about this whole situation. Why did you two get married? You seem to have a thing for porn, sex but you are saying you didn't even have sex until you were married?? Something is off about that. Did she refuse? If so, why? That would have been an important red flag for you.

Plus, she already had a kid from another relationship? Usually, that is dealbreaker for most men, so the woman involved had better have a cape with a big 'S' coming out of her snatch to snag that ring. Not to mention being a great cook, housekeeper and generally adoring her man. At least until the vows are said and papers signed.

She doesn't have a job? WTF? So, not only are you not getting any, but you are supporting this woman with a kid that isn't even yours??

Now, while I agree with Dig that you wife no doubt has her story too, I'm a bit confused as to what it is you are getting out of this marriage AND why you stay considering you really don't seem to be benefiting from the arrangement. Did she agree to marry you as a convict? Were you a sexual perv at some point and she can't really get over that? Is her father a member of the Russian mafia? Did she pull you out of a burning building and save your life?

Your story just isn't adding up for me, Incog.

Ok, this was on page three, but because you had so many questions, and because I respect your opinion, I will answer them. If I neglected to answer someone else's questions I am sorry. I haven't been on here since Friday.

Anyway,
1) We got married because we were in love and felt that we just "fit"
2) I watched porn from age 16-25. I no longer watch porn
3) No, I didn't have sex until I got married. You can use your imagination about what I did until I got married
4) She didn't refuse before we got married. We both felt it important to wait.
5) Yes, she has a kid from a former relationship. That IS normally a deal breaker, but I felt like someone shouldn't be penalized for something that they can't go back and change. I'd have appreciated it if I had a kid, but was still given the same consideration as the next guy. Simple empathy I suppose.
6) She does have a job, but it is part time working a secretary for her mom.
7) Yes, I'll agree that there are always three sides to every story. My side, her side, and the truth (or at least an objective side). I try not to steer the story to make myself look good as much as I can because that would be counterproductive. There would be no point in asking for help here if I was not disclosing my wrongdoings. With that being said I am sure there are things that I have omitted simply because I thought they were minor, or things that I didn't know at all.
8) I am still married because I believe the only REAL grounds for divorce is cheating. I'm sure you know this after I commented extensively in a thread about cheating.
9) No I have never been a convict, perv, sex offender or anything like that, nor was I forced into my marriage.

I hope it makes a little more sense now

[Incognito]

so she does work? someone might have mentioned that she doesn't...how old is her child?

8, but I've been the male figure in her life since before she could even talk.

[Indignant]

so how was your weekend?

[Incognito]

Fine actually. We went to Chipotle on Friday. She went out to do some shopping Saturday, I went paintballing. She didn't want to go paintballing, wanted to go get some stuff, and didn't have a lot of money. I felt bad, so I gave her the money that I normally save out of each pay check. Everybody got back later, we went out to get crawfish, and we did a crawfish boil. We are talking normally again, but the sex issue never came up again. I'm not saying that she should have brought it up either, because she said her piece on Friday. I didn't bring it up again because I'm tired of conflict and am not going to just "go all out" in my efforts to right this situation because I have already done so for years.

[Gigabitch]

I don't know how this is ever going to be resolved if you aren't even willing to bring it up any more. Don't YOU want to be happy?

[Incognito]

Well yes, I do. Have you ever had a bad injury or surgery and the pain was there, but you had grown accustomed to it enough that you just dealt with it? That's about where I am right now. The issue is still there, I'm aware of its existence, but I've been dealing with it for so long that I can stand to wait for us to go to counseling or for her to change. I try to find happiness wherever else I can, hence the paintballing on Saturday.

[Indignant]

Fine actually. We went to Chipotle on Friday. She went out to do some shopping Saturday, I went paintballing. She didn't want to go paintballing, wanted to go get some stuff, and didn't have a lot of money. I felt bad, so I gave her the money that I normally save out of each pay check. Everybody got back later, we went out to get crawfish, and we did a crawfish boil. We are talking normally again, but the sex issue never came up again. I'm not saying that she should have brought it up either, because she said her piece on Friday. I didn't bring it up again because I'm tired of conflict and am not going to just "go all out" in my efforts to right this situation because I have already done so for years.

i wouldn't bring it up in a conversation. i would do something romantic. get her a shot of Cranberry vodky by Nemiroff, give her an erotic back rub and stick it in. there.

[Incognito]

i wouldn't bring it up in a conversation. i would do something romantic. get her a shot of Cranberry vodky by Nemiroff, give her an erotic back rub and stick it in. there.

Damn, I like your mindset. I try to avoid such approaches though. Would you want someone rubbing your back if you knew that he was only doing it to try to turn you on and then have sex? Back when I used to give her messages I did it because I actually want to. Sometimes it turned sexual, sometimes it didn't. I had books on message technique, oils, and lotions. Since I don't especially want to do that now, I wouldn't do it simply to use it as a transition to sex. I actually think it would be insulting for me to do so.

[Gigabitch]

Well yes, I do. Have you ever had a bad injury or surgery and the pain was there, but you had grown accustomed to it enough that you just dealt with it?

As a matter of fact, I have had an injury that impacted my life for two years. I took care of it because I didn't want to live in pain. I kept trying different things until something worked.

Do this! You can get your sex life back. I have new hope because she brought it up last week. I never expected her to do that. It's like she cracked open the door that's been slammed shut for years. All you have to do is open it all the way.

[Indignant]

well you got to get her to the right mindset somehow

[Indignant]

yeah, Inc, don't be lazy

[Incognito]

As a matter of fact, I have had an injury that impacted my life for two years. I took care of it because I didn't want to live in pain. I kept trying different things until something worked.

Do this! You can get your sex life back. I have new hope because she brought it up last week. I never expected her to do that. It's like she cracked open the door that's been slammed shut for years. All you have to do is open it all the way.

So what you're suggesting is that after being rebuffed hundreds of times, getting extremely depressed about it, learning to accept it, and even losing some of the sex drive that I once had that I should just come in with flowers and chocolate and try to "wow" her with my [now depleted] romantic fancy once again? I'll admit that I am frustrated by that mentality. Its like running a marathon and just as you pass the finish line someone telling you "I know you did a lot, and that you're tired, but everyone stopped the race 1/4 the way through. They're ready to start again, so hop your ass back to the front and give it another try.......oh, and do it with a smile". That's exactly what it sounds like you're saying.

[Indignant]

yep, that's what we are saying.

[Gigabitch]

Actually, the flowers and the chocolate would be something she doesn't deserve, in my opinion. That's for AFTER the sex.

I just think you should bring it up again. There's obviously something wrong with her or this situation wouldn't be what it is, and bringing it up at all was probably a Herculean effort for her. I think you should take it the rest of the way, tell her you haven't forgotten what she said and tell her you want to go to a counselor together as soon as possible. The fact that you're just letting it go is telling her it's not really important to you after all.

[Indignant]

Inc, what have you done wrong to her that you know of?