He says he's unsure...

[unlit]

Hey everyone. I really need some advice.

The Nutshell:
he says he's been having doubts, but was still his normal, affectionate self after he told me (I asked him). So I don't know what I should do....

The details:
I’ve been with my bf for about a year now – we broke up at one point for 3 months though, but since we got back together, we’ve been really strong, until about a month ago. We used to spend a lot of time together, send messages, include hearts in those messages, etc. And when I’m actually WITH him, everything seems great – I feel loved and secure and wonderful. But when we’re apart, he seems colder, uninterested, neglectful, and uncommunicative. He has become lazy with answering text questions, much less sending random texts. Though he has sent a few, asking if I’ve heard back from X job interview, thanking me for a great night the night before, etc…. But it’s not what it used to be and I knew there was something up. And I rarely see him on MSN, and never get FB messages.

It really hurts when I try to ask him something, or I’m expecting him to tell me something, like “Ok, tonight is on – 9:30pm”, for a group hangout at his place. He’s been very neglectful contact in general, and his not contacting me last night about a hangout he had invited me to the night before was just the breaking point for me. We were at his place with his roommate and a few friends of ours. We were talking in the kitchen, and I brought it up because I was upset and didn’t want it to ruin the night for anyone. I never yell, and I was very civil as usual, but I told him I was upset. He said he was sorry, that he knew he was being neglectful and I didn’t deserve it etc…. But then I asked him straight out “How do you feel about me?” He replied that he was having doubts.

He explained it’s nothing I did/was doing, it isn’t someone else – in fact, he’s unsure why he’s unsure about us. But he is. I told him I understand and respect that, because I do. He was holding me/my hand as we had this convo. It felt good to be touching him, but what I was hearing kinda sucked.
I asked him “Should I stay the night then? Or should I go home at the end of the night?” He paused, kinda looked confused, then said “Let’s see how we feel at the end of the night.”
We didn’t let anyone else know and we acted out normal selves – little kisses, teasing, playing, etc. When people got up to leave, we were in the kitchen again saying goodbye. I tried to catch my bf’s eye but he wouldn’t catch mine while the others were putting on their shoes. I was basically looking for a nod to go or stay. Finally I went up to him and whispered “Should I go?” I said it quite plainly, as in ‘I understand and am fine either way’. He paused, then looked at me and said “Why don’t you stay?” As in “you should stay”. I said ok.
We hung out with his roomie a bit more. Then went to bed. We were normal with each other. Actually the sex was even better than usual! He was affectionate, kissing me, holding my hand when we were falling asleep. And in the morning we cuddled like we normally do as we take our hour to wake up. All normal.
When we got up, I felt a little unsure of where my “line” was. We had breakfast, and I kissed him on the cheek as I normally do when he did something great in the video game we played. As we were playing, he put his arm around me. But things felt a little awkward.
After an hour and a bit of being up, playing and eating, I said “I should probably be going home.” Normally I would stay all day with him, even another night (we normally spend the ENTIRE weekend together). He paused for a moment and said “yeah, ok.” He went and washed up a few dishes, I went to his room and quickly got my stuff, and our goodbye was shorter than normal. We kissed, and he drew me to a good, strong hug. Then I left.

I was thinking I should give him space/time. Which is why I left. That and I felt a little weird knowing our relationship was rocky.

I don’t know whether his normal affections are saying “we’ve a strong chance” or if they were more like “I’m sorry I’m going to hurt you.”

And what should I do? Especially if I want to keep him… Should I give him more space, or spend our normal full weekends with him, acting as I normally do? He’s felt like this for a while he said. And he’s still been affectionate when with me. Will I push him away if I break that venue for affection because I now know his real feelings? Will he feel too pressured because I now know?

I never got upset. But I love him, and a month ago I KNEW he loved me. I didn’t change, I didn’t do anything. Can his love/interest really just die?

[davidtorres]

i dont really know what his thinking. guys dont just change like that. usually theres someone on the side or maybe he saw something on you that he didnt like. i think you should talk to him why hes unsure about you guys. he has to give you a reason because we are logical. also, after or before you have the talk. give him space. like ignore him. let him do the chasing.

how old are you guys? are you guys done going to school?

[Mia123]

Agree with David. Make some plans to do other stuff on the weekends, either alone or with friends. Don't be "available" to him at the drop of a hat. Both of you should have a life/interests outside of each other.. a key ingredient to maintaining a healthy relationship. Spending full weekends together month in month out can make the relationship stale, things become monotonous sp. Have some me time, you never know what/who you might find. Don't check MSN or FB. Don't send daily texts, and don't reply to his straightaway. Staying at home waiting for him to make his mind up is only going to drag you down. Not good for anyone.

[unlit]

I'm in my early 20s and he's in his mid-20s. We've both finished post-grad.

I don't really think I can talk to him about it right now. I asked him last night why he feels this way and he said he doesn't know. I don't expect that reason will change if I talk to him about it too soon. He also knows it isn't fair. He also said he needs to think about it because he's made mistakes in the past - dumped a girl because he had a few bad days, and not necessarily with her. They got back together though.

It's tricky to not spend time with him though because we're still 'together', have the same group of friends etc. And people expect us to be together. And I doubt it would be good for the situation to let everyone know of this issue. It may intimidate/pressure him I fear. Like tonight for example. In theory his roomies, some of her friends, my bf and I are supposed to go to a club. Wouldn't I look like I'm just being childish if I didn't go, or if I went but didn't go home with him as is expected? Or should I ask him if he wants me to go home with him?
I know absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I fear it could make him forget that i'm important in his life.

I was thinking the best thing to do was let him lead the show, but not change what I am/do. So he can have his space and be with me at his discretion? If I say "Well because you're unsure I don't think we should spend as much time together" I wonder if it might be a turn-off?

[ladr]

He's treating you shoddily and playing with your feelings for him. Just walk away and if it's meant to be, he'll find you. And quit sleeping with him till he "makes his mind up".

[vashti]

This thread reminds me of that song....

"it seems tome that "maybe" pretty much always means no."

[lahnnabell]

My boyfriend occasionally goes through these periods where he feels "blah". I can see it in his face because he doesn't smile as much, or when he does it doesn't reach his eyes. He gets very stoic. I'll ask him if he's all right, and he'll say he's fine, and so I leave it. Usually he feels better when I give him some space to mull it over and he'll get in touch with me to remind me that things are good and it had nothing to do with me. The key in this scenario is that I give him space to breathe though. He'd be much less responsive if I were breathing down his neck for an answer when in reality he may simply not know why he's feeling bad. This difference stems from the fact that I am a proverbial social butterfly while my guy needs more solo time.

The key for you in this situation is your own confidence and security. You are letting his moods dictate how you feel. Because he's unsure, you're unsure. Eventually you will find that you can't go through life waiting for someone else to tell you what to feel. I think what you should do in this situation is tell him, "Hey, I understand you're having doubts. That's normal. I want to work through this because I care about you and our relationship. I'm gonna give you some space to sort your head out." This will be a brief period of no contact. Seriously. I know you're used to the cutsie FB messages and a text for every change in his schedule, but that stuff isn't what makes up a strong relationship. That stuff will not endure through the years. From the looks of it, this guy is burnt out on the relationship and he probably needs a week to recharge his batteries.

My boyfriend has been away in Guadalajara since January and has limited internet contact which still sometimes goes in and out when we Skype (which is about once a week). He's down there for the purpose of immersing himself in Mexican culture and I vowed to support him through that. This means that sometimes I come second, and I'm okay with that. If I find that he's having an off couple of days, I let him sort it out, and in a few days he gets right back to being the man I love.

[unlit]

Thanks for all your input guys! I've taken it all in, and put in against his personality/our history. I was thinking of giving him space, but my intuition says a complete cut-off is out. I was going to go with "the ball is in his court"

Last night, however, he texted me at 1:40am saying "I hope you're having fun at the club " (I never actually went to the club for other reasons). So I don't know if isolation is what he wants really.... He would have sort of, maybe, done that before. I get the impression that he doesn't want much to change between us right now, but he is having doubts. Last night was the first Friday we've not spent together since we got back together though. Maybe withdrawing a little is good, but not completely.
Based on his actions, does that sound like a good idea? I know everyone is telling me to not contact him, or to bring it up and try to 'talk it though'. I know though that talking things through at icy times like this scares him.
I am so confused -_-

So some space, not complete isolation, and not bringing it up/demanding we work it through right now. That's my plan. Does it seem reasonable?

[lahnnabell]

You don't have to isolate him completely, but it sounds like he does need space. Notice that the moment you gave him a tiny bit, he started texting you. I think you two need to start reforming your own identities outside of the relationship. Couples that are completely wrapped up in one another lose themselves. This can cause frustration and resentment if someone starts to pull away for air (ie. you getting upset that your boyfriend is distant) because you're used to a certain level of comfort in the relationship.

[flo]

I went through something similar recently. Not the same situation but he was unsure of us because his ex came back into the picture. She had left him heartbroken but he eventually moved on and met me and now she's back after never gving him a reason for breaking up and refusing to speak to him. We were together for nearly 11 months. I don't know what's happening with them. But I left him to it. He emails after 2 months NC saying how he misses me and about meetin up. I reply telling him the same. And then it goes back to him saying he's a mess and he'll only end up hurting me, but that he misses me lots and how I fit perfectly into his arms. he shouldn't be saying that. We ended on okay terms and I feel ready to move on.

I think you should tell him that you should be apart for a while so he can figure out what he wants. That way he will know what it is like without you and have time to miss you. I guarantee that will force him to make up his mind either way. and you can gain focus too. It worked to some degree with me but I think he just was feeling low and wanted to see if I had lost interest in him or not. but I'm not playing those games, I'd rather just be honest, it's so much easier. And I think that is what you should do too.

Once you are gone, he'll soon realise what he wants and he'll respect you for giving him the option. If he comes back then great, if not, well what have you lost really. I know that feeling of confusion and hurt. How you know deep down what you should do and what you'd be telling your friends if it was them in your situation, but you love him and don't want to lose him. But at the minute, he has all the power. Although it is him who is unsure, he is sure of your feelings and you are left in the worst position because you aren't sure of his. Walk away for a while. Show him what he could be losing. I know it's hard but it'll give you an answer one way or another. There's nothing worse than being stuck in limbo.

The whole text situation..my ex would do this to me too, he wants you not to forget him (in case some other guy is there showing you interest), and to know that you will be there waiting for him if he decdes he does want things between you to work again, but that's not fair if he doesn't know what he wants yet.

I hope you're okay and it all works out for you.

[unlit]

Is this normal then, for guys to have a period where they're "unsure"?

From the way he's interacted with me over the last few days, he seems like he does love me - cornering me for make-outs, passionate kisses, etc. We're both a little nervous about the little things though - like putting arms around each other on the couch.

I feel like he does want to be with me. But it's so frustrating knowing that he's unsure. I guess only time and some space will tell.

When I look at my friends' relationships, and my sister's, it seems normal for little break-ups and periods of uncertainty. But they always re-kindle what they had. I hope we get through this in the same way the people around me have.

Thanks for everyone's advice!

[lahnnabell]

Guys don't just go through it. Anyone who feels they may be "missing out" on other experiences may worry and feel "unsure". Long commitments add to that. What you learn as you get older and gain experience in relationships is that the period of newness, the honeymoon period, wears off. Trivial things like FB messages and texting falls by the wayside.

Sounds like you guys were pretty wrapped up in one another for a while. You need to reestablish a healthy balance in your relationship by giving yourselves time to do things that don't involve one another. You may be perfectly happy to involve him in every facet of your life, but it's clear that he needs time to be his own person now and again. There is nothing wrong with that. If you find that you simply can't deal with a new arrangement then you guys may want different things right now and it's best not to drag yourselves through the mud anymore.