Confused!

[rickijovlin]

Hi,I'm going to try to make this as short as possible!! First of all, I'm a 35 year old unhappily married woman. I have 2 daughters, 16 and 10. I've been married to the same man since I was 18 and have until recently vowed to be faithful to him, regardless of how unhappy I may be. I believe that my husband is unhappy in our relationship also, so why do we stay married, it's an age old question. I guess my answer to that is that I'm afraid of being alone. It's a matter of fact that we were married because I got pregnant and over the years we've tried to make the best of it, we've had good times and I do believe that we have loved one another through out the years. I'm afraid that reality is that we will divorce eventually. So that's the background.

In April of this year we decided to build a new house. You are most likely thinking stupid - because of the status of our relationship and you are right, but maybe we thought it would change things. Anyway, through a series of events and happenstance, I was telling a professional that I work with that we were selling our old house and he told me he was interested in it and asked to look at it that night. He came to see it. Now, I will admit, I've had a physcial attraction to this guy right from the first time I met him. He is very personable, intelligent, and goodlooking. He has a sense of humor that matches mine to a T and I've often caught myself finishing his sentences or him mine. It seems that we are very much on the same page about things. SO that same night he came out to see the house. My husband wasn't home so I should him around the place. We joked and made conversation, when my husband got home, he asked the buyer "so you are interested in buying the house?" to which buyer replied, "no, I'm the boyfriend." That was the end of April. Over the summer buyer became a friend, he joined us for many social get togethers with friends, sitting around the fire, drinking, weekend boating trips, Fourth of July celebrations. He often slept on our sofa, because he is determined not to drive when drinking. He decided that he would definately buy the house, even though we weren't sure when we would be moving out, because we were building and it would take some time. He ended up spending more and more time at our house, helping with the construction of the basement, ect. In Oct, he asked when we thought we would be ready to sell, we decided on a closing date of Nov. 15. He asked if he could move in immediately and live with us until the closing, which would make things easier for him because of his work schedule and having to clear his place out before Nov. 15. We agreed and cleaned a room out for him. He has lived with us since and the construction of our new home has fallen behind, it looks now like we won't be out for a couple more months.

Meantime, him and I have become friends. We have discussions about everything and share our dreams and fears and just about everything with one another. He knows how my relationship with my husband is and I know that he is coming out of a two year relationship with a married woman who in the end, would not leave her husband for him. He tells me over and over that he wishes he could be with her and that he loves her. So what am I confused about?? I sense he is attracted to me. Like I said, we have become confidants, we share a love of wine and everynight we drink a few glasses while chatting, we often stand outside and have a cigarette together, he will help me with the dishes and always ask if there anything he can do to help. He has helped me move things out of the house and I helped him move, we spend a full day together driving to a city a few hours away to look at furniture, just the two of us. We've gone to the movies (with my youngest daughter), this morning, he asked my opinion on which tie he should wear to work. Over all, I have that gut feeling that there is more that a friendship. My best female friend also feels there is something more. My oldest daughter (16) has stated her opinion that he is interested. When I ask her why her reply was "because you are both happy when you are together, you laugh with each other and talk all the time about everything, it's just obvious mom." Even my mother, made the comment that she thinks he has a crush on me.

I have been physically faithful to my husband but I now find myself not emotionally faithful. What should I do, this guy is everything that I would want in a man, but I'm afraid of ruining our friendship, I'm afraid of him rejecting me and everything I feel and I'm told by others is downplayed by his often comments and confessions of love for the woman he is coming out of the relationship with.

Am I looking for something that isn't there? IS he just being a friend because it is easy for us to converse? Should I come on to him? Should I forget it and get on with my life? What's your opinion?

[Rach]

Hmm...that is a tough situation to be in, as i was in a similar one myself I know how you may feel, but first and foremost...Are you extremely unhappy in your relationship now with your husband? If so, ask him how he feels and if. If he's unhappy as well, ask him if he sees a way to fix what went wrong(that is if you still wnat to be in that relationship) But if both of you are unhappy the happy/loving relationship really isn't there anymore, something big is missing. And as sad as divorce may be maybe that's where it's headed, I don't really know enough about you and your husband to say though.

As for the new guy, talk to him as well. Ask him what he would like to come out of your relationship...does he see it amounting to more than a friendship? If he hesitates or says no, then you have your answer. Or if you decide that you just want him as a friend, just treat him like you would any other friend...or tell him or remind him that you are just good friends.

But, only you can decide what to do with your life. If you still in fact do love your husband and would like to work things out, then you also need to work your feelings out with the new as well...Start thinking of him as just a friend. BUT, as tough as it may be only you can make the choice as to which man you want to spend the rest of your life with now, your husband or the new guy.

I hope that makes sense to you... But, good luck with it all!