Looking for online relationship advice

[Trish]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or if I just want to vent my frustrations.

I'll start by (trying to) explaining my situation. I'm 18, female and have been in an online relationship with another woman for over a year. I am not currently in any serious 'real life' relationship. We are both members of another forum, where we met.

Our relationship has been very emotional, intimate, and caring... mostly. She is more sexually 'adventurous' than I am, and that's where the problem comes in. Sometimes her forum posts get a bit 'racy' or even down right explicit. There have been a couple of times that she has said some very sexual things to other people on the site, but she does it in a joking manner. At least that's what she claims. The problem is Im not finding it quite so humorous. The comments go way beyond what could be considered casual flirting.

Admittedly, the other forum topics are fairly sexual, so its not completely out of line that there would be sexual talk. But it feels to me like she continues to cross a line with me. I'm not comfortable with her behavior. I don't like feeling jealous. I realize that jealousy is typically more about your own insecurities. In this case though it feels like cheating to me. It has cause me to lose a lot of trust in her. I find myself wondering what other things she might be saying to other people in private messages.

I don't know how people feel about online relationships here. Am I taking this too seriously? The emotions and feelings I have for her are real, but so is the pain that I have been feeling.

I'm not looking for a simple "leave her, you deserve better". I'm really trying to understand my feelings about the situation and figure out if I'm simply over-reacting or if I have a reason to doubt her.

I'd really appreciate hearing some viewpoints.

Thanks,

Trish

[Illusional]

my first question would be, have you ever met this girl before?

raverboy

[Jas_mine]

What the hell is an online relationship?? Someone please clarify!

[Illusional]

a relationship that is online... duh!!

well, i think that it's along the lines of a long distance relationship, but these people probably never met, and thus their relationship is only imaginary.

raverboy

[Jas_mine]

The imagination is such a comfort zone.

[DonkeyKong]

Personally I think that if an online relationship exists ONLY online and not in "real life," then it's not really bound by the same rules as "real life" relationships. Unless you have explicitly discussed with her the rules for your conduct with each other (i.e., are you two supposed to be in an "exclusive" relationship?) then I'd say anything is fair game. But then again, I've never had a relationship of this type with somebody, so I'm not sure how I'd feel, personally. But my gut tells me that she probably isn't as emotionally invested in whatever it is you have as you are, and is taking it more casually. But that's something you should discuss openly with her if it bothers you, and let her tell her side of things.

[xxazurexx]

I see no point in them and especially if you have no intentions of meeting and keeping it online. That wouldn't satisfy me....I need 'physical' contact and wouldn't be able to conduct a relationship entirely on my pc....wtf??

I know I met the guy in my life via my pc....well my phone actually, lmfao....Looking for someone was the last thing I was doing, but he came along and we met in real life, which is what I thought people did and if they met someone online??

You say you have had this relationship for over a year with her. Why havn't you two met yet?

Like I said to the_robot, he's allowing his gf to weild all this power and control over him and they havnt even met? Allowing some stranger to play with his feelings and toy with his emotions and basically take the piss......

I dunno what to suggest :|

[Illusional]

The imagination is such a comfort zone.

if you prefer tinkerbell.. then "we" could have an online relationship. i find little pixie fairies with blond hair so cute and attractive.

raverboy

[Trish]

I appreciate the serious comments and thoughts. To answer some questions, yes we are supposed to be 'exclusive'. She has said many times how dedicated and devoted she is to me. From what she says she is actually more dedicated to me than I am to her. Im still dedicated, but she says that I fill her life, reason for living, couldnt live without me, etc.. I know that some people may have a little difficulty understanding the connection if we've never met in real life, but a connection isnt about a physical presence. Its all mental and emotional.

It is true that we have not met. We are in different parts of the US. Frankly I simply cant afford the expense to travel. I have tried talking to her when these problems occurred in the past. This isnt the first time. Each time it turned into a huge blow up. She ends up playing the pity card. I end up feeling guilty and take her back. And then it happens all over again. I know, I should be learning something here. I feel like the battered wife that keeps forgiving the wife abuser.

Anyway, it happened again tonight. She was "joking around" with some of the other people on the forum in a very sexual manner. I really dont want to describe the exact context of the actions, but lets just say they were very graphic. I was there as well, so it wasnt like she was trying to cover it up. Frankly it was behavior you would expect from someone with no self-esteem or respect. And of course no one was respecting her or our relationship. They were just happy to go along and make their dirty little comments to her. So we had another big fight.

I dont think I can do this any more. I do deserve better. I know I am right. If someone cares about you they dont do this crap. She knows how much it bothers me but she just keeps on doing it. Ive been an idiot, but I need to demand better or move on.

Thanks for listening.

[Illusional]

what evidence is there to say that she isn't cheating on you?? or just messing with your mind? honestly i can tell you all day long that i took love you and i mean it from the bottom of my heart, but will that really mean anything? we might not understand the "connection" that you feel, but plainly put, that's because we don't see a relationship. money means nothing, unless it's in my hands, and i feel the same thing about relationships. if i can't grasp it, then it's not really there.

raverboy

[asdfg789]

Wow. The whole idea of online relationship is ... mind-boggling

So let me try to learn something here. You are 'exclusive' to each other online. That means when you are online, you will act like a couple, be caring for each other, intimate etc.
Question: what about in real life ? ie offline ? is she free to be with other people, have real life exclusive relationships ? As long as these things dont appear online ?

Or is this a long distance relationship (perhaps like pen pals of the past) carried on through the internet ?

[Trish]

Our relationship pretty much ended last night. Thank you for your replies. Since you seem to have some questions, Ill try to answer, or at least give my view point.

Yes, when we are online we do act like a couple, caring, intimate, etc. There are a number of regular posters in our 'online community' and everyone is quite aware that we are a couple. This of course makes it that much more insulting to our relationship when these same people are the ones who are perfectly willing to make sexual comments to her right in front of me. Can you imagine being with a group of friends and having your partner talking dirty to someone while your standing right there?? (and I mean very dirty, not 'casual flirting')

As far as the 'reality' of the relationship, I didnt used to believe it was possible myself. I felt the same way as you. But what attracts you to someone? What provides the connection? She was funny, intelligent, caring, and loving. I do believe that a person can 'emotionally cheat' on their spouse with an 'online affair', so if that type of emotional connection can exist, why couldn't a relationship like ours exist?

In real life it gets a little more complex. She is in a relationship, I am not. Her partner is aware that she is also in a relationship with me and does not have a problem with it. That being said, yes, I have no proof of that at all. I have been taking her word for it. The same goes for her statements about loving me. She could have been playing with my mind the entire time.

So here's the bottom line. I was naive. I believed it was real. I invested emotionally and I got burned. I feel like Ive wasted a year of my life only to find out that it wasnt real. It felt real to me. I thought it was real for her.

I know I probably sound like a fool now. Im actually not a stupid person, but maybe just a little too trusting with my emotions. Please dont be too harsh with any criticisms when you read this.

Again, thank you for your responses. I wish better luck for everyone here.

[asdfg789]

You sound like a nice person. Humble and a fast learner.

I'm sure you'll find a great partner next round. And you're young. Shouldn't be in no hurry

[butterfly249]

I do deserve better. I know I am right. If someone cares about you they dont do this crap. She knows how much it bothers me but she just keeps on doing it. Ive been an idiot, but I need to demand better or move on.

Thanks for listening.

Trish I think you just answered your own question
I am in an online relationship, too, and in my opinion, the same rules apply: whether it's an online or in-person relationship you deserve to be treated with respect. If she truly loves you then she wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your feelings.

...And, it wasn't a year wasted if you learned something from the experience. Best of luck to you -

[VincenzoG91]

My friends used to accuse me of sabotaging my own happiness, by pursuing relationships with unavailable women. This might be something to consider, because an online relationship is only a faint shadow of a real face-to-face relationship with somebody who lives in your area. It's okay to start online as long as it quickly moves into the real world.