Fiance holding against me ex relationships? please help?

[whitelight]

cmac, thanks for that and yep my head is swimming. Because we had differences of opion on somethings like a couple of political things and stuff like and there were a couple of disagrements which to me all couples have but you just work through them, well she said that those made her not have a peace about the relationship. They weren't even major things at all believe me. They were normal sort of things that you deal with and work through in a relationship you know? Not stuff like 'Ohh I want kids, but you don't' or 'wanting to live in different areas' etc nothing like that. Just general things, there were really hardly any!. We in fact only ever had 4 diagrements but everytime she would walk off and say I am not sure about getting married now.

But like you said there was just no way she could see it from my point of view as she was so cold, acted like she couldn't careless and just wanted to get on with other things.

[ctom18]

I wouldn't stay up nights picking apart all of the specific reasons she wanted to end things.

I know that I personally have ended many relationships just because I wasn't really feeling it anymore and felt that I would be happier if I wasn't with the person anymore. That is a really abstract thing to explain to someone, and there is no possible way to explain to an emotionally devastated person that you just aren't that into them anymore. So I would come up with something. I would bring up the few minor things that may or may not have been an actual problem and say that they were the reasons. It's just easier to give someone some sort of bullshit reason, even if the actual reason is that you just have this vague feeling that you don't want to be with them anymore. There is no way to explain that to someone.

She doesn't want to be with you, but she can't articulate why. So she came up with something stupid so that she can justify it to you and to herself.

[ftm]

She doesn't want to be with you, but she can't articulate why. So she came up with something stupid so that she can justify it to you and to herself.

I am with this poster 100%. I don't think she even knows really why she wants to end it. Her reasons, frankly, don't make a lot of sense. Maybe they seem to her to be the best ones available because the real ones are buried too deep.

You dodged a bullet my friend. Better for this to have happened now than after the wedding. If she tries to come back, remember how crazy this was and how utterly cold she was about the whole thing. It sounds like she didn't know you well enough to marry you, and maybe you didn't know her well enough either.

You'll find someone who has the same ideas about commitment and compassion that you do.

Loved the bit about her not wanting to work. She wants a guy with no previous romantic experience AND she wants to be financially supported 100%? Good luck.

[xxazurexx]

She has just been looking for any excuse to end it IMO.

You will find someone else eventually (as we all do), look back and wonder what you ever saw in this immature kid....

[whitelight]

Thanks so much everyone, I really have coped so much better with all of you in this.

Well I guess better now than after the wedding. I know I shouldn't go over the reasons why. I think I know why, ever since our first disagreement we had which was nothing serious she said she had a lack of peace since then and whenever we disagreed on something the lack of peace came about again. These were just regular things though??? I mean she never had a lack of peace untill the first disagreement we had! To me she just was expecting a perfect relationship and to never have an argument or have any differences of opinion. Plus I think the fact that I had romantic relationships before her and she would have had to have worked was a big thing too.

[Incognito]

I think she was expecting a relationship to be like a Disney fairy tale. Everybody happy all the time, bird singing while you do a musical number about your love for your significant other. She's stupid. This is reality. I actually got mad when you said that she mentioned that "you didn't have a squeaky clean past". She's acting as though you are married to women in other states, were a former criminal, or cheated in your past. Whatever, you're better off now. Every relationship she enters WILL fail until she realizes the difference between fantasy/ideal and reality.

[whitelight]

Incognito, thanks for that. I pretty much know what it was why she ended it really it was because I mentioned about in the past having romantically involved ex-girlfriends that she didn't know about but I don't know what she thought I was doing for 14 years!?? I honestly thought she presumed that I must have had ex-girlfriends etc but just didn't want to know so didn't ask. Then she turned around and said 'Ohh you made out you had a squeeky clean past!!!!!!' All I did was not talk about my Ex girlfriends as I honestly thought she presumed I must have had some and I didn't want to sound like I was bragging or hurt her by talking about them so I didn't. She makes me feel like some kind of criminal or something, I have never even smoked, done drugs or gotten drunk hardly ever!!.
Anyhow she ended it so thats all over with for me now. Sad as I would have treated her right and loved her for the rest of her life.

[Incognito]

Well she doesn't deserve someone like you. I'll have a glass of wine in honor of your your new freedom and good fortune tonight. Go forward in life and don't look back.

[ftm]

The more I read about this girl the more bewildered I am. Does she not know that people have relationships and they don't work out? I don't understand... Were you her first boyfriend? He first sexual partner? I challenge her to find a desirable 30-year-old man who HASN'T had a relationship before. I'm with Incognito on this one. "Squeaky clean past?" As though having a relationship before is somehow "dirty."

Forget this girl.

[whitelight]

Well I was her 3rd or 4th boyfriend although she hadn't had any 'real' intimate relationships before. So I would have been her first. I mean she knew I had one relationship before which I told her about as it was a 5 year one, but all my other ones were literally just weeks or months in lasting and I really have trouble trying to remember them to be honest as most were in my teens? But yeah when I told her I had 11 girlfriends going back to when I was 16 that was it for her and off is the wedding! I am still heart broken...ughhhhhh....

[ftm]

My friend, as time passes this is going to seem morre and more ridiculous. With the increasing distance, you will look back on this and shake your head, I assure you.

Find a woman who understands that relationships are sweet because the world is ugly, who understands that the more we survive in our lives the better equipped we are to love, who comprehends the reality that experience improves us -- it makes us wise, it does not sully us, break us, orr render us "unclean."

Your former fiance will come to all of this years too late to fix what she has passed up.

[Incognito]

Awesome post ftm, simply awesome!