Not being "the one"

[Kero]

It's always been nice to read about stories where two people meet and instantly click together, it just seems so magical and romantic. Yet, it's something that has been bothering me lately about my own personal life, more specifically, the way I experience attraction and connections towards others. My own experiences have been rather different. It has always takes me a while to get to know someone reasonably well and then decide 'Yes, this is someone I want to dedicate myself to by being friends for life' and imagine this is only more true when approaching relationships. In fact I've never really paid that much attention to the idea of relationships, as my default position has always been to treat people as friends. It's only when prompted, that I become a little more curious about things, and that's only after I'm confident that I've established a good friendship. Overall it's an unusual place to be in.

But that's my own personal story. What I wanted to explore instead is, what are the implications of not experiencing such a connection. For many, I'd imagine their relationship becomes deeper given time and attention. It'd be like a seed capable of growing into something more, then again it might just end up being strong friendship. This is mostly true for those who aren't certain about what their future is with a particular individual and are exploring what it would be like to be together. Moving back to the original idea, wouldn't not knowing whether there is a connection, suggest that they are not the magical one(s)?

Another thing that's been bothering me is the 'why do I like them?' question that people sometimes have. It appears to be recognition that the other person isn't some amazing superhero, considering that there are plenty of people out there who are more thoughtful, more kind, more intelligent and so fourth. At the same time, it can't be denied that there is some form of attraction that draws them towards these people. Perhaps it's just the attachment that's developed from all the interactive exchanges. In contrast to this position; there's the belief that the person is definitely the right person. What's the implications of such different attitudes towards relationships? The difference is reflected rather well in another thread.

The deepest, most unwavering part of me thinks my husband is the hottest, smartest, deepest, bestest person on the whole planet. Like he's imprinted there. I notice other men, yes, but this deep part is always there. Even when I am fed up with him.

There ARE women out there who are hotter and more intelligent than my girlfriend, just as there ARE men out there who are better than me in every imaginable way.

Guess the whole reason I started this thread was to figure out how I'm meant to be feeling. I know I care, but reading other people's experiences make me doubt my own feelings sometimes. All I know is that I'm comfortable being honest with them and enjoy their company, even if they aren't the geeky/academic sort of person I thought I'd end up with as a child.

[jabberwox]

Wow, I was wondering pretty much the exact same thing on my thread! I'm also one of those people that tends not to experience that immediate sense of "chemistry" with people. I found a comforting thread on another forum that kind of relates:

ask.metafilter.com/105105/Can-love-without-infatuation-still-be-real-love

Personally, I think that the sense of immediate connection or feeling like someone is "the one" is mostly an intense sense of infatuation/adoration partly related to the thrill of the unknown - exactly what triggers this response is a mystery & different for everyone, but is then easily amplified by the projection of yourself/wants/desires onto the other person - and so hence the strong feeling of "connection" despite perhaps not knowing the person that well to begin with. Usually this feeling fades within a few months and unless something deeper has built up in the relationship underneath it during that time - such as based on friendship, compatibility, and true love for the other person as they are, the relationship will likely end. However, I do think it is possible for this intense feeling to arise later on top of the deeper/stronger foundation, but very quietly/gradually - kind of like first being "I love this person", and then later "I'm IN love with this person". As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather develop an honest relationship based on mutual compatibility and friendship and let it flow into something more romantic intuitively if everything clicks well, without pretense - as opposed to being potentially blinded by an infatuation in the beginning. But just my 2 cents, everyone's different & has different emotional responses to other people