Urgent Dilemma!!!

[sleepy]

jakki, i think you are great, caring, girl.when i first responded to your posts, i had not read your history at all, but i have now.

i think it's true that lots of times intution is bang on - it's a kind of inarticulate logic. but i think in your case, even if he is cheating, you've got to look at some of your other issues. you don't trust him to love you; you don't trust yourself to be loved. you've got urgent issues; they might be true; but they reoccur too often to be healthy, if you see what i mean?

either a) this guy is making you crazy suspicious or b) it's latent in you and your intimacy with a guy will bring it out. either way, something is not good here. dating should be fun, exciting, with a few struggles smoothed over by sex and talk. you're living on your toes; it can't be fun.

ask yourself if you trust him in your heart. if you don't, dump him. if you do, ask him once point blank and then let it lie. it's heartbreaking to see you so nervous all the time

[jakki2903]

jakki, i think you are great, caring, girl.when i first responded to your posts, i had not read your history at all, but i have now.

i think it's true that lots of times intution is bang on - it's a kind of inarticulate logic. but i think in your case, even if he is cheating, you've got to look at some of your other issues. you don't trust him to love you; you don't trust yourself to be loved. you've got urgent issues; they might be true; but they reoccur too often to be healthy, if you see what i mean?

either a) this guy is making you crazy suspicious or b) it's latent in you and your intimacy with a guy will bring it out. either way, something is not good here. dating should be fun, exciting, with a few struggles smoothed over by sex and talk. you're living on your toes; it can't be fun.

ask yourself if you trust him in your heart. if you don't, dump him. if you do, ask him once point blank and then let it lie. it's heartbreaking to see you so nervous all the time

Thanks for your post sleepy. I think it's my insecurities and my past that does this to me - in the past my ex cheated on me and was funny with his mobile - every single one of these worries I have spoken to him about and he gets the hump at me being so silly and insecure.
He has introduced me to his parents - both sides and says that he would never cheat on me. He was cheated on so I feel in my heart that he'd never do this - he is working alot on his flat - and he sends me photo's of the stuff he's done - so I don't deny he is working on it. He had a ex check his mobile and find innocent messages and she interpreted it as him cheating so I guess this is why he is like that. I said to him today - do u want an open relationship - and he point blank said no. I then proceeded to phone him up and asked him to swear on something important to him that he would never cheat on me or do anything to hurt me - he said he wouldn’t - but he couldn’t swear cos he’d never do something like that. I just don’t wanna waste any more time!! I’m terrified of getting my heart broken again!! Need all the advice I can get - he wouldn’t get the time to cheat if he isn’t with me he’s at his flat - with parents - I dunno - any more advice would be great.

[ivyhk]

when he didnt introduce you as girlfriend, thats not very respectful...afterall ask him first , throw out questions, see how he replies you. If it doesnt make you happy, dump him and get someone else better for yourself.

[richardrli]

If this guy has suffered the pain of being cheated by a previous girlfriend he shouldn't do the same to you, he knows it would hurt the person too much.

[blue]

i think that you should take a breather from this relationship and just focus on yourself for a while

[demode1204]

I agree with joe schmoe & abercromqt. Jakki why would you want to be in a relationship you dont trust? This guy is fishy! and sneaky! I know its hard but you have to move on. Their is someone out their for you that when you are with you are going to feel 100% comfortable. I know it sucks and it hurts but life moves on 'put it behind you' dont keep hurting yourself.

[jakki2903]

Ok an update:

He didn’t go on the Friday, I felt really sick though so I helped him until about half eight then went home. He phoned me at 10.45pm to see how I was. So I gathered from that, he didn’t go. I did think that maybe he would go anyway but I feel he didn’t.

Anyway, moving on to Saturday night - I am going out with him to his brother’s engagement party, queue more family etc and we were having a good time. It gets to half nine and a friend of his didn’t come and he was showing his mate the text he had written, I look over and see all these text messages from ‘Nikki’ - I immediately confront him jokingly in front of his mate ‘saying ‘who’s Vicky - I misread the name’ anyway he wouldn’t show me and when I proceeded to badger him a bit he walks off to the toilet - anyway I follow him and demand to see the texts ‘saying if they are so innocent why can’t I see them’ he doesn’t let me see them. I drop it cos I can’t be bothered but I am upset and it shows. His step mum comes over and talks to me and I tell her about the texts, anyway it turns out this girl Nikki’s mum has breast cancer and she was texting him cos she was going to this party on the Friday night and wondered why he wasn’t going. I drop it all, cos I am not heartless - and if I put myself in her position then I wouldn’t want my mates girlfriend seeing stuff like that - it’s private - then again I wouldn’t be telling someone in texts. It was his behaviour that really got me - was it cos he was cheating - or cos he was protecting a friend - or because it was in front of his mates???? It’s bugging me and still is!!

Anyway, we ended up going on to a nightclub, my jacket clasp broke, but I didn’t wanna ruin the night so I proceeded to hold it - even though I shockingly had nothing on underneath. It got to half one and I was so upset about the texts still that I told him I had a meeting with a bloke on Tues (talking about tonight) anyway, he just blew up at me and said the nastiest things, finishing it with me.

He left me on my own at the club and if it wasn’t for his mate (a nice one) then I would have been stranded on my own.

Anyway, we split and I go home with the mate - nothing happens - he has a girlfriend and I’m too upset - this mate confides loads of stuff like that he went out with this Nikki’s sister Donna, then went out with her - that he has cheated on his previous long term girlfriends and that he was gonna finish it with me on Monday (yesterday) cos I am too clingy - anyway, the next day (Sunday) He texts me asking if he can drop over my spare key. I tell him I’m not at home, I ask if he meant what he’d said the night before and he says yes etc. I am devastated.

I then get home - its about half 10 in the morning and he texts me ‘come with me’ I say where’ and he says ‘down his mums’ (it was his step dad’s 60th birthday meal that I’d been invited to attend with him) - I text back saying ‘why’ and he writes back ‘love u’ and I say - what is going on with u ‘ he writes back - u know me’ and I say ‘what is that supposed to make up for u hurting me’ anyway we end up going to his mum’s having a lovely day and everything is rosy again.

I email him yesterday and tell him that he a) must stop acting single, b) promise not to be so secretive with his mobile - if it’s all so innocent why act like it isn’t c) introduce me to his girlmates and invite me to things - I should have met them and possibly be friends with them d) he’s more loving and has some serious making up to do for humiliating me on the Saturday. He agrees to all of them.

I am soooo confused - what do I do? Do all the things I’ve written indicate a serious cheater?

I need super urgent opinions.

Thanks to all who respond, sorry it’s so long!!

[blue]

drop this guy because he is trying to have his cake and eat it too and that is so not right for you. he most probrably is cheating on you and if not will. he dosent sound like hes ready for a relationship and you ar enot a yo yo. he seriously needs to grow up and you seriously need to let go because this is headed for disaster!!! and you are going to hurt more, but if you feel that you need to take this all the way then thats what u will do but dont. Time heals all wounds and their are plenty of fish in the sea.

[cbee]

please follow blues advice and end it. This has gone on for so long and I don't believe that however insecure you are this many things could be giving red flags unless things weren't right. Please get out.

C

[jakki2903]

I spoke to him last night and told him how I felt a mug and how he made me feels stupid. I went round his and told him that it was over and that I couldn’t put myself through this torture anymore. I said to him ‘if those texts were so innocent then why couldn’t I see them’ - he replied with ‘well you’d probably mis-interpret them and think I was’ - I said maybe I am being silly and if I am then just give me a hug, and he did. I told him I deserve better and that I needed to be treated with respect. He agreed and promised he wouldn’t go out with his friends as much, would introduce me to his girl mates and would be more loving. He said I can sometimes get a bit clingy and he needs his space.

We were gonna move in together - I suggested it, he agreed, then yesterday he said that he thought it would be too soon. We have only been together for four months, so I guess he’s right.

I feel so stupid and worthless, and believe me I have tried to walk away loads of times, but I just don’t wanna be single again.

I asked him to swear he’d never cheat on me and he did, I feel such a fool, I really don’t wanna believe he has been cheating on me - also when would he get the time - if he isn’t with me he’s at his flat - and I know he’s defo at his flat cos I’ve popped over without notice.

Sometimes in my posts I leave things out like for example I said he’d never introduced me to his girl mates - well…

The first time I saw them was on his birthday and he didn’t even speak to them himself - it would have been obvious to them who I was though, then on the second occasion he was with his mates mostly and barely spoke to them - I did badger him to introduce me to one of them and she smiled at me a lot so I guess she knew who I was. Also about the mobile thing - I phone him when he’s just left work - he has it on silent and doesn’t hear it ring - he calls me straight back or as soon as he is home. The other thing about the party - well that does flag up to me big time but then he didn’t go cos I didn’t want him to - so that must say something??

He is spending this weekend with me and has promised not to keep treating me like this - he blames his upbringing for his coldness.

His step mum has said I’m not to worry about his behaviour cos that is just how he is - cold and unloving some days and hot and very loving other days. She also told me this Nikki was just a friend and nothing to worry about.

I’ve asked him if he wants an open relationship and he always says no - surely if he were cheating this would be the perfect opportunity?? I know that when you have to make excuses things aren’t right, but when you look at the things I’ve disclosed - well said biased - what do you think? Is your conclusion still the same or am I just insecure and looking for ways to torture myself??

Why would someone take you to their mums - if they were cheating on you - he wouldn’t would he - cos I know I wouldn’t??

I need more urgent advice.

Thanks so far for all your advice.

[blue]

why? you ask? well because belive it or not hes a freaking jerk jakki! he manipulates you and you kno what he has you right where he wants you and if you continue to go this route things will be worse like i have stated before, do not move in with this guy!! he will hurt you. Dont be so easy jakki! actions speak louder than words and some stupid hug is not enough!!!!! satnd up fpr yourself girl! Dont let anyone ever treat you like a doormat!

[jakki2903]

why? you ask? well because belive it or not hes a freaking jerk jakki! he manipulates you and you kno what he has you right where he wants you and if you continue to go this route things will be worse like i have stated before, do not move in with this guy!! he will hurt you. Dont be so easy jakki! actions speak louder than words and some stupid hug is not enough!!!!! satnd up fpr yourself girl! Dont let anyone ever treat you like a doormat!

we're over he finished it, saying it was me - I hate him for doing this to me and your right Blue - I've been so blind to it because I thought he loved me - I guess I was just so wrong.
I just wish it didn't hurt so much!!