Pathetic and Haunted

[loveminuszero]

My ex and I were together for two years and broke up about nine months ago. He was my first real love, though he wasn't the first person I dated seriously and all that. We had a very tumultuous relationship that ended poorly. On top of that, he was emotionally abusive and often lied, though I didn't know about his lying until later. He started dating a "friend" of mine about a month after we broke up and they're still together and seem very happy, so I guess he meant more to me than I did to him, which still hurts a little and embarrasses me.

This guy is a loser and I know it. Our relationship killed my self-esteem and generated some trust issues, and I'm still trying to rebuild myself. However, I can't seem to get over him and it's been almost a year.

I know the whole "concentrate on yourself" thing and that "time heals everything," and I've been trying to do those things. I've been doing things I've wanted to do that I couldn't have before, and I've been enjoying myself. But hardly a day goes by that I don't think about him; places remind me of him, songs, movies - he even shows up in my dreams. As hard as I try to let it go, I'm still hurt and bitter - it's an ugly place to be and I don't want to stay this way.

I don't even have the desire to date anyone, so I've turned down every offer; I haven't felt attracted to anyone since I've been single.

It's pathetic and makes me feel like a psycho because I don't think it's normal to still be hung up on him, especially since he treated me so poorly. I'm too embarrassed of my feelings to even vent to my best friend about how I feel. Is there anything else I can do to try to move on?

[Gigabitch]

To put it bluntly, the best way to get over a guy is to get under another one.

Get out there and date. Give yourself a chance.

[lostlars]

WOW. I know exactly how you feel! I thought that was me writing that post! If you ever want to im me or something maybe we can help eachother through this. I was with my guy for 2 years, he was absolutely horrible yet I was so deeply in love. that makes sense right? I think alot of it has to do with emotional and verbal abuse. That is what I believe. My bf and I broke up 11 months ago and had a second attempt that failed this past January. I think anout him every day, I dream about him every day etc. My best friend has no idea. She has no idea I was even in love with him as much as I was. The reason is because your embarrassed. If we talk to our best friend they will tell us what an asshole and jerk they are and to just get over it right? Ive heard that a few times and thats not what you are looking to hear.

The question I ask is did we really love this guys? Or were we beaten down by the abuse so bad that we felt horrible about ourselves and thought no one else would love us? I still havent answered that. Two years go by of a guy telling you how dumb you are and that your a hoe and unworthy or whatever it is he does you actually start to believe it. It sucks. When I met my ex I was such a confident girl. When we ended I hated myself. If you feel the same way start with that. You need to build up your pride and sense of well-being. That is what I am working on. Even though my ultimate goal is to become succesful and be who I used to want to be before this relationship, I really find motivation by thinking about his face when I do. That is not healthy but whatever. I think it will go away in time. The best revenge is being successful to these emotional abusers. Proofing them wrong but more importantly proving yourself wrong. It is tough and a daily battle and I struggle daily but its what keeps me going. I want to be that happy person I was before the relationship drained me.

I also understand the "psycho" feeling. I bet you never thought you would want to be with a guy that treated you so horribly. But you do. I cant explain it other then we are crazy and not thinking right. Results of the abuse if you ask me. Before him did you ever think you would put up with the bullshit and mistreatment? I know I didnt. I also bet in the beginning he wasnt like that and he slowly over time began to control you until it gets bad. They wait until you fall in love and then they show their true colors when your too deep in. This sucks. I dont know if men do it knowingly either. Like a big ploy or game. In the end, when the breakup happens the girl hates herself, hate the guy and feels like a crazy person throughout all those ups and downs. I used to flip out on him even when he was going to abuse me because I was so sure it was coming. I was so scarred. It was predictable. That sucks so bad. Never did this guy get physical with me but I truly believe the emotional, verbal abuse, and mind games make us girls lose all self worth and appear crazy. Try to remember you are not crazy HE MADE you crazy and hes not in the picture anymore. Focus all your energy towards rebuilding your self estem. Go to the gym, take class, challenfe yourselves to new things. I figure in the end Ill be a more well rounded happy successful indidvidual even if the day never comes where I can shove it in his face. Its hard, but you have to try. As far as when we will stop thinking and dreaming about them I dont know...but maybe it will help you to know that you are not alone and I am doing the same things.

[loveminuszero]

I guess I stay away from seeing other people because I feel like I would just be using them, which isn't very nice. It probably would help me, though.

I'm glad someone else is in the same position as me (not really glad, lol, but happy I'm not a total freak). I think the abuse does play into it. He never hit me, but he would yell and throw things and break things, he even yelled at me for crying, and sometimes I was afraid he would hit me. I'm not innocent, though, because I always fought back. He was able to get under my skin so well that it's had semi-permanent effects.

Some people told me I was too good for him while I was dating him and I completely agree now. I'm about to graduate college, volunteer at a shelter, job, editor of school paper, etc. He isn't academically motivated, can't keep a job, uses drugs - I know I'm on a different league than he is and he isn't who I want to be with in the long run, but I can't stop the way I feel. I don't understand myself at all.

I guess I'm just trying to find my way back to who I was before the relationship and it's tough. I used to love who I was and I was so confident, but now it's like the relationship completely mutated me and I'm left ashamed of how things happened. I feel rather helpless now because I've tried everything I can think of to regain myself.

[lostlars]

I have dated other people and have felt like I am using them to. The truth is if your are upfront with them you are not using them. Just let them know you are out to have fun, enjoy eachothers company and that is it. I think that is okay. When and if they start to develop feelings for you if when you can pump the brakes, or rediscuss where you are coming from. You never know if you may start having feelings back over time. You are in a completely different leaque you have just lost yourself in this relationship. By him yelling at your for crying that was his way of trying to control you and your feelings. Thats not fair because when its all bottled up inside it will explode eventually. I know it sucks to hear work on your self, date other people, time will heal, etc. That is all you will hear though so there must be some truth to it. Even though it seems like you have been hung up for so long eventually it has to end right. I have dated other guys and I am completely hooked still on my ex. I think the key to truly moving on is to have feelings for someone else. Until you have a connection with someone else your ex is always going to be the one. Things were alot easier and less complicated before we started dating huh? You sound like you have so much going for you..I would just continue marching strong even though its hard and it sucks. He is going to continue to rule your thoughts until your find someone that fills that place. Just think how better its gotten from day 1 though? I am sure you were laying around, crying, thinking about him all day long..and now you are at least out and doing things and thinking about him 75 percent of the time. Its an improvement in the right direction and the sooner you realize how volatile your relationship was and that it was an unhealthy thing that never needs to happen again it should get a little better. You need to put a close on your relationship in your head for good, because I think maybe you still have a strand of hope the two of you will be back together. kill it.

[loveminuszero]

You're right. Although I realize the relationship was very unhealthy and damaging, I still miss him and, in a way, still wish we could get back together. However, I also recognize that my feelings are pathetic and unrealistic - and I'm ashamed of them, yet I feel powerless towards them.

I've been doing more thinking since the post and I think my biggest problem is the issues I developed because of the emotional abuse, not so much my feelings for him. I hope that if I can tackle my self-esteem issues and rebuild my life, getting over him will come naturally. I'm thinking about taking advantage of my university's conseling center (after all, that's what they are there for and it's free).

It's weird because I like myself, but I've been warped into thinking no one else does. I was on anxiety medicine for a while because it got to the point I couldn't even be around people (I was very outgoing before the relationship).

I'm guilty for the way I feel, which I know won't help anything. However, maybe I'm not so pathetic - maybe he messed with my head so much that it will take a long time to recover.

[lostlars]

Thats exactly it!! You have it pinned. The emotiional abuse builds issues that are so huge and distructive. While they can go on their merry way and date and move on we are stuck here on this love forum obsessed. I have a feeling you remember him by the good thingsand tend to block out or ignore the bad? That is what I do. I am trying so hard now to just focus on the bad things. These are not guys good girls like us need to be with. But they crawled inside our brains and made us completely different. You have lost yourself. We are powerless to our feelings because if the one that we loved more than anyone in our lives thought we were worthless then we must be right? If we are not good for these abusive druggy liars then no one will want us right? The self estem is shot. ruined. You need to start at square one and realize that u deserve better. It sucks we had to meet guys that ruined our trust for others and love of ourselves. But it happened. We are powerless because the ex always held the power and now he is gone.

I dont know about you but I NEVER in a million yrs thought id stick it out with a guy like my ex. And when I did I thought I must truly love him because he treats me so horrible and I am still there. That is not love. That is control. I am so sorry this had to happen to you to and I wish I could tell you the hurt will go away. I honestly dont know if it ever will though. So lately im trying to focus my energies on learning from it rather then forgetting him because thats impossible. There is a part of you that wants him back of course, yet I BET if he was standing there begging for you back you would be very very hesitant. He played mind games with you. You are not thinking logically. These guys make us not okay, we are a jealous angry emotional monster invoked from the mistreatment of the one we loved most. We just need to find who we were. You need to focus ont the person you were before you were broken. I bet you were happy before you met this guy? You need to get back there and focus your energy on that. You also need to find it in your heart a way to forgive yourself, because ur beating yourself up for having strong emotions towards an asshole but thats ok. Its not your fault. You also need to find it in your heart to forgive him. If you harvest those hurt feelings of anger its so bad for your soul and your only hurting yourself. He doesnt know the stress and impact he has had. You can tell him..but he will never KNOW. It sucks us gals have to experiance these types of guys..but one day you will be stronger from it. You will look for this warning signs early on and not put up with them from anyone else in your life. Because I know if you are like me you NEVER want to fell this hurt, lost and unable to control your feelings as you do now.

[cmacattack1]

I'm not trying to be insensitive here, and I've played the emotionally abusive boyfriend card to a tee. This feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness is draining any positive progress or motivation you may have. Him being with another girl not long after really puts the icing on the cake. You can't help how you feel, but you are certainly in control of your actions and what you do. You stayed with him for a long time because you loved and cared about him and put up with his abuse and found ways to rationalize it when they were wrong. You decided to, even though all logic goes out the door when you are emotional. It was the wrong decision. I think part of you thought he would change: realize that you were the one and would come in and sweep you off your feet and tell you he was sorry and how much he loved you and ride off in the sunset a new, changed man. It's not realistic.

But life is a great experience teacher, and you have learned and grown as a person from this relationship even if you feel like you are crippled from your experience. You have to discover your self worth again. You know you have a lot going for you, you know you are a great outgoing person, you know what kind of positive things you have about you. I think you do, even if you like to fish for compliments to boost your ego. You didn't know any better and you definitely would not handle this the same way if it were to happen again. Even if he were to appear today and ask for you back, you know that you couldn't do that and I don't think you would. What are you waiting for? Only you can really pull yourself out of this, and I'm sure you have some family and friends for support.

I know it's not fair to others if you aren't ready to open up, but as lostlars said, if you are upfront at the beginning ("coming out of a bad relationship...yada yada yada") you are being honest. I think if you were to take things slow and give it the chance to progress, you would be feeling alot better about yourself and have a lot better chance of meeting somebody that can better meet your needs. You will get to know them better and decide if they are right for you or not. You have options, you are getting approached, but you are letting opportunities pass you by.

I'm on almost eight months no contact, and my ex has been with a new guy for same eight months. I brought it upon myself being said emotional douchebag mentioned above, but it's still not easy thing. I haven't dreamt about her in a while but I have recently. I still love her, still care about her. It took me getting dumped cold on my ass to really look at who I was and what I was doing and you better believe I wouldn't do it again. It's probably going to take that for him to really learn a cold, harsh lesson, and based on who he is, where he is going, and how he is acting, it WILL happen. I promise you. It shouldn't be your concern but it all works out that way in the end. Just focus on you and what you have going on in your life. At least you have guys coming up to you wanting to give you a shot. You can't imagine the dating life of a zero confidence, emotionally charged guy that has to pursue women can you? I'll give you a hint, it's not good.

[loveminuszero]

lostlars,
I seriously feel like I'm talking to myself, haha. I always thought I was too smart and independent to EVER have something like this happen. But I tolerated it. I knew the relationship was horrible while we were together and I tried to leave him many times. I started drinking heavily as the relationship declined; I won't go into details, but one night I became terribly drunk and tried to leave him (liquid courage?), which started an argument and I ended up in the ER. It took injuring myself and seeing how the relationship affected my personality to see how bad things were; I ended it a week later. That situation is the most shameful experience of my life. To top it off, I have a scar from that night - now I'm blessed with scars on the inside and outside to remind me of him.

Yet I tend to remember the good times? It's idiotic, but I do it.

So, I'm not perfect and I didn't handle everything well. I'm not the type of person who likes to make excuses for herself, but I really think I was pushed to that point. The alcohol problem I developed, obviously, didn't help either.

I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing there is someone out there who is going through the emotions I am. Thank you.


cmacattack,
It's nice to have an opinion from the other side. This might be awkward to say, but I'm glad your ex was able to move on quickly - it's been about 9 months for me and I'm still messed up. And I wouldn't beat myself up so much if I were you. It takes a real person to be able to analyze his faults and try to change them. I think you've probably become a more compassionate and humbler person than you would have been - and those are good things to be, even if you screwed up some in the past to get there.

I really hope my ex learns his lesson because no one deserves to be treated that way. Honestly, I feel bad for his girlfriend because I'm sure, if she hasn't already, she'll see plenty of his temper and it only gets worse. But then again, though I know it's wrong of me, I can't wait for the universe to balance itself out and kick both of them in their arses for being horrible people (it's a long story, but they can justifiably be called "horrible").

[lostlars]

I know I felt like I was reading my own story. I dont think we are the only two crazy people in this world. haha. Being on this forum really helps..cmacattack gives great advice hes helped me alot. Sometimes I just like to vent and hear peoples opinions and thats what this is for. It does suck to still be hooked on your ex after a year but its all within. If you were the happy confident person you used to be you would be over him. Just keep working towards that. One day when you've become successful he may find you and want you back. How great is that day going to be when your phone rings, you see its him, and your like ex who? And when he calls your like why are you calling? and then you hang up and finish cooking dinner or whatever and realize you dont care anymore! That day will come. I dont know if he is dating somebody else. My ex is and there isnt a doubt that he will call when their relationship runs its course. I am preparing for the moment every day. If he called now Id be pathetic and screwed..but once I heal and he contacts me that moment will be great. Another thing you have probably learned is its a daily battle. Somedays are good days, some are ok, some are horrible. Some days 5pm rolls around and you think about your ex and you realize that is the first time you thought about him that day. I have had a couple of those and they are great!

Who knows how long this process will take we just have to stay strong. My ex and I ended a year ago november and I am still messed up. Pathetic I know. we were on and off there for awhile though and offically havent talked since January. Maybe we will never move on from these feelings and will just have to adjust our lives to live accordingly. But one thing is certain. We are not the people they told us we were. they cant control us anymore. And every shitty thing that was said to you, you are going to work hard to show yourself they are not true and he was the messed up one. He'll crash one day. Karmas a bitch.

My new activity is facebook stalking. I like to look at his page daily and his new girlfriends. That is bad!! and taking me back steps but I cant seem to stop!!! do you do that? Or am I the only psycho in that area?

[loveminuszero]

Hahaha, I used to do that.

See, my situation might be a little different because my ex and I share the same friends. I feel awful for our friends because they alternate who they hang out with - mostly because he and his girlfriend must have a problem with me or my friends assume that we hate each other's guts. Sometimes my ex and I are at the social events, but rarely and we hardly talk.

Anyway, I tried being friends with my ex and we were "okay" for a few months. However, drama started and I got the cold shoulder - then I realized that I was the only one who put effort in the relationship and I was also the only one who tried to work on being friends, even though he was initially the one who promoted being friends. So I took him off Facebook. Why be friends on FB with someone who must dislike me? But before that, I was looking at his page just about everyday and often his girlfriend's, too. (However, back when they still had the "Top Stalker" app that counted page views, comments, etc.., he was totally in my top ten FB stalkers and it made me feel a little better about myself, especially since I thought he rarely got on, lol.)

The funniest part is that I'm still friends with his mom and band-mates on FB, and his mom talks to me on there; she's always the one who initiates conversations or comments photos/statuses and stuff.

So no, you aren't the only psycho, lol. But I'd consider taking your ex off FB. Sure, it's hard not to be nosy, but I think in the end it is the best decision because then he is completely cut from your life.

[lostlars]

he is off. but his site is not set to private so I still snoop. Only to see pictures of him and his girlfriend. Who is actually the girl he dated before me. Thats lovely, makes me feel great. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me they dont still have the stalker app?? I never saw that! Does he know I am looking? sheesh thats motivation itself to stop! Well kind of how you guys were friends in the same group me and my ex were coworkers. In a very small room. That was horrible. The tension so bad that no one else would even talk. We used to be like the fun goofy light hearted once that made work fun. Then we wouldnt even look at eachother...finally I couldnt talk it and transfered my job and moved to another city. Who does that? Ironically though this time last year I saved him from losing his job. He was so unthankful and horrible that I regretted doing that for so long. I heard this week from a mutual friend that he lost his job. So maybe its coming around to him now.... one can only hope.

[loveminuszero]

Definitely karma

I would probably have done the same thing you did with transferring and everything, honestly. And no, the app. doesn't exist anymore (unfortunately! I had fun checking who looked at my profile, haha).

I recommend Annie Kaszina's e-zine for emotionally abused women, if you haven't looked into it. I've been receiving e-mails from it for only a few days, but so far they are helpful.

Oh, and my best friend and I are going out this weekend. I've decided to force myself to talk to at least two guys. Wish me luck!

[cmacattack1]

Good luck! I doubt that talking to two guys should be very difficult and it's not like you have to go home with them if you don't feel that way. Keep the positive attitude and chugging forward as much as you can. There will be some rough patches in the future but it's all about how you deal with them.

[loveminuszero]

So I thought I'd share a minor success about this, since the advice I had really helped me with my perspective and to focus on myself.

I had to be in a social situation with the loser ex and his girlfriend tonight; luckily I dressed really cute before knowing I'd see them (I got a lot of complements from other guys right in front of him, haha) and then I paid little attention to him, except for a few jokes and stuff, and I treated her like a new friend (she used to be my friend...then lied to my face and slept with my boyfriend, now dating him...ew). I noticed him looking at me across the room and listening to conversations I was having with others. They left early, but I had a great time Also, he didn't seem nearly as attractive as I used to think he was.

I used to have a very strong social presence - always making people laugh, keeping the energy up, etc..- and tonight I was pretty much as fun as I used to be; feeling like I one-upped them by having a better time than they seemed to only made the night even better.