Am I being used? What should i do?

[Luciel]

Hi,

My name is Luciel, In order to understand better the situation i will give a quick version of the prelude to this story, i moved back to Spain (was raised here but moved to London, UK, for university and stayed there after) because i believed i had found the love of my life, eventually i was wrong and it ended, for whatever reason i stayed in Spain, eventually i met someone else, and after a year it ended too, i felt really bad for a while, i felt constantly depressed as i had 2 serious relationships and both had ended miserably. So i decided to take a brake, i neglected all chances of relationships for just over a year, and then i met the woman of which my problem is related to.

You see i met her with no intentions whatsoever, in fact i was introduced by a mutual friend, she already then had a boyfriend, one she has been with for over a year and a half, at the time i didn�t know this, but it�s pretty much a dead relationship, i gues you could call it "until something better comes along". Aniway i instantly connected on a friends-only way, as i said i was not interested in relationships and she already had one, so we became close friends, this went on for 5 months or so, about a month and a half ago we went out one night, after not seeing eachother for a while, this time was different though as we normally went out with other people aswell as us, this time we were on our own and well the subject came up, i had never felt this close to a girl and not want more, or at least think i didn�t, but something was bothering me inside, we had a few more nights like this and i wouldn�t know how to explain it, but certain contact, things we sayed, feelings started to arise, i wanted to wait for a while make sure they where real, eventually, and with fear of loosing our current friendship i told her, to my surprise, she admitted there was a certaing "feeling" lurking within her, i wont go into details but it was pretty much what i was feeling.

We started seeing eachother more offen, as we decided to see what would happen, eventually i found myself in an weird possition, my feelings grew with each day to the point where, i really want to be with her, i told her this and she said she didn�t know what to do, because she has a boyfriend, which, according to her is a dead relationship, so i couldn�t understand where the problem was, but she asked for time, so, i told her i would give her time, as long as my feelings would allow me to, a few weeks down the line i confronted her again as it was driving me crazy not knowing what was going to happen, i asked her, if it was a dead relationship why wait, after circling the answer a few times it ended up being, fear of risking something new and unknown and loosing something easy and secure.

Eventually she said nothing would happen between us.

For 3 days i had the common agony and broken heart feeling you get when you finish with someone, this didn�t make much sense as we were never togueter. Then the phone rang, she asked me if she could see me, I, being a fool, told her yes, even though she had hurt me bad.

I saw her and she said she had said no in order to keep me from hurting any longer by waiting for her to make a decision, she eventually realised she did want me, she just didn�t know what to do with her current relationship, this, made my p�in go away, as it was like a ray of hope, eventually this led down the same road again, she would do nothing about her relationship, and i would remain waiting, 2 weeks later we had the same discussion, i told her i was sorry, but for my own good, i couldn�t wait any longer as i was having a bad time coping with it, and i would rather hurt for a while knowing it�s over than hurt without knowing what�s going to happen. I asked her to give me a reason why i shouldn�t do it, i asked her if she wanted me, she said she didn�t know, that she did, but now she felt pushed, so i stood up and left.

3 days later i sms her apologizing, if anything, for the lack of manners of leaving her alone at the bar we agreed to meet in, i explained to her i did it for those reasons and that i could not stay in her pressence after that.

She was upset for reasons i had not thought about, she had to remain there another hour in order to be able to drive without fear of getting stopped by the police and giving possitive in dui, when she was tired and had only gone out because i asked her to.

Eventually a few days later i fell for it again and we started talking again, at a point i asked her, what do you want from me? and she said she wanted time and for us to be as we were before the day at the bar at which i left her alone. I explained to her that, we would end up again, me having a heart ache for days, and she being undecisive, not for feelings but for, this is the easy and secure way, which would always be like that and wouldn�t change in 1 or 100 days. so she says, give me till may and you will have your answer.

Last friday we agreed to go out, and just have a good time, we went out, we actually had a real good time, as friends, eventually at 4am we went to the last bar of the night to have the last couple of drinks, as it happens the bar was quite packed and we didn�t have much space, we were very close and there was tension, so i though, **** it, and i kissed her, she kissed me back and we spent the next half hour like that, i took her home and she asked me if i wanted to go up to her place, and, of course i wanted, but i didn�t think it was appropiate, and it would just make things worst for me if we end up in the same place again, so i said no, and explained why, she understood.

It has been a week since we "started" talking again, i have been very carefull as to what i say, i don�t want her to be able to say i am pushing her, but i am letting her know i am here, we speak every day, either on msn, or phone, we always have. There�s less than 2 weeks to go till may, i know i should wait, but, am i being used?

Am i just giving her what she doesnt get from her boyfriend? Love, appreciation, friendship, etc?

Yesterday we had a small fight because talking about something earlier i mentioned someone looked very good in one outfit, she got a bit jelaous, then again i had been acting as we always did, as friends, and this kind of comment had never been an issue before. The topic heated up, i think she felt at one point a bit unsecure because she actually knew my exes, or rather, had seen them, never knew them personally, she knew i had always gone out with very stylish women, and she in a way felt a bit under them, i told her that this wasn�t true, yes i had always been picky, but i had chosen her had i not?, i couldn�t contain myself and said something, that, while bad, i had every right to say, she had no right to be jelaous of something like that when i had to work hard to ignore the fact i wanted her badly and she was asking me to wait when i knew she still had sexual relationships with her current boyfriend regardless of whether sentimentally the relationship was dead or not.

Reminding myself that has really gotten under my skin, that discussion happened on saturday, i have been feeling like i want to explode again, however i also know this is my last opportunity.

I find it very hard to find someone i like, i am very picky, i can�t help it, i need the looks and the intelligence, and she has them, on one hand i feel used and stupid for letting myself be lead on, on another i can�t react on it because i know how hard it is for me to find someone i want to be with and that person wanting it to.

What should i do? should i tell her to dissapear from my life, and try to get over it? or should i wait and see what happens while i feel the continous heart ache?

Thanks for any possible advice, and sorry for the long story, i felt you should know everything before trying to advice.

[fi123]

I would let her go for now,stand up for yourself and avoid seeing or meeting her, texting phoning etc., competely, let her miss you, you have had enough contact with her for you to be on her mind for the next few weeks. She is obviously confused and you need to give her the gift of missing you. If you leave her alone for a few weeks, she then decides she wants you (and dumps her boyfriend first, you must insist on that if she decides she wants you in the future) then give it a go, but if she then turns round and starts being confused again i would give it up completely. That would mean she only wants you for the fantasy of what a relationship with you might be like that she has created in her mind during those weeks you are apart, and when the reality of a relationship with you then hits her, if she is still confused, I don't think she really wants you.

[Luciel]

You are completely right and that was my first option, the problem is, she will call me or sms me if i dont see or talk to her on the whole day, and if i dont reply she gets mad at me because of it, it almost seems like its a no win situation?

[like_a_somebody]

If that's the case why don't you say you need time as well to think things over. If she really misses you she will come back that is without a doubt.

[xxazurexx]

You can't be friends with someone who doesnt want you and you have feelings......end of!

Been there, done that, had an ex who wouldn't leave me alone and got angry when I didn't pick up his calls/texts, blah, blah, blah and take it from me, it goes NOWHERE and you are wasting your time. It's a vicious cycle that never ends.

You have 2 choices:

1. GROW A BACKBONE AND END IT
2 Continue to be used and remain in this situation awaiting on someone who isn't likely to change their mind

I waited around for 2 years, then summoned the strength to end it.
If I can do it, anyone can or could.

[Luciel]

You can't be friends with someone who doesnt want you and you have feelings......end of!

Been there, done that, had an ex who wouldn't leave me alone and got angry when I didn't pick up his calls/texts, blah, blah, blah and take it from me, it goes NOWHERE and you are wasting your time. It's a vicious cycle that never ends.

You have 2 choices:

1. GROW A BACKBONE AND END IT
2 Continue to be used and remain in this situation awaiting on someone who isn't likely to change their mind

I waited around for 2 years, then summoned the strength to end it.
If I can do it, anyone can or could.

While I understand your point, i´m not quite sure it´s the same situation no?

@ like_a_somebody:

Yes i think i will do that.

However she did say till may, i think i will give her these last few days of April, and then confront her the first week of may, and basically, either take me, or end it.

[xxazurexx]

While I understand your point, i´m not quite sure it´s the same situation no?

Still involves a person who is UNDECIDED over whether they want you or not, only in my situation he was an ex.

Still involves a person you were FRIENDS with and for who you had/have feelings...they don't appear too.

YES, the advice is relevant to the situation you are in.