Need help - we're driving each other crazy!

[crawley]

Hello,

Yes, I'm a newbie. Nice to meet y'all!

A quick run down of my problems - I'm really hoping you can offer me some impartial advice.

My bf and I have been together over 5 years. He's older than me by about 10 years.

I met him when he was training me. I now work with him and we're so 'tuned in' on so many levels.

The first 4 years were wonderful.

But in the last year, a new woman came in to our lives. She's flirty, fairly good looking, and worst of all, got to spend hours of the day together with my bf.

Naturally I got worried, and told my bf about my concerns. He thought I was paranoid!

I reminded him that the last woman he spent considerable time around ended up leaving her husband as she had such hots for my bf - but in my boyfriend's defence, he never cheated, he never did any more than flirt in person and by text. All this occured at an earlier, less serious point in our relationship, so we got over it and moved on.

My bf says it's just 'friendly banter', but I say its obvious flirting. It wouldn't be so bad except the last time it happened, like I said earlier, his flirting partner left her husband!

So, back to present day. I was worried about this new girl.

And sure enough, a month or two later, she splits up with her bf and starts asking my bf if they can go out. My bf declines - but to me, he's let that get too far already!

So now I just feel permanently jealous. I'm always worrying that he's flirting with her, or some other woman. And I know I'm crowding him, but I feel vulnerable, incredibly vulnerable.

At the same time I feel like I don't deserve to have to watch my bf flirt - but he's one of these guys who will not put someone else's needs before him own. I admire him for that, but it makes our relationship so difficult.

He has lied to me, about whether his flirt partner has text him etc, and he will never tell me what they've spoken about because 'it's not important, he doesn't care to remember it'.

So it's all getting the better of us now. We're both tired of arguing. He doesn't want to change, and I'm not discounting the possibility that I''m the problem.

But how do I know he's not doing wrong by me if I just turn a blind eye to his 'banter'. Banter is ok, but its like he enjoys getting people to want him.

I'm tired. We nearly broke up tonight, I nearly left, and that really upsets me. He's now stopped speaking to me.

What am I supposed to do? This relationship sounds terrible on paper - but quite honestly, when it's good, it's fantastic!

Advice is greatly appreciated.

[lahnnabell]

He is disrespecting you and your relationship. He apparently sees nothing wrong with this and is selfishly engaging in this flirtatious behavior because he most likely has deep-seated self-esteem issues that lead him to seek this sort of attention from other women.

For me, I know my boyfriend flirts with other women. I do it with other men. What we DO NOT do is do it front of one another. The fact that you work together puts you both in a compromising position. If you didn't see them all day every day, it would be less of an issue. But you are being forced to watch them engage in this "banter" and he is not recognizing that is is painful for you to witness. Apparently he values the attention that random women will cast his way more than he values a loving, committed relationship with you. That is sad. I think you are better off without him.

He should never have let it get so far that this woman felt that she had a chance to date him. Do you even talk to this woman? She may not even know he's your boyfriend if she's pursuing him so aggressively. This makes me think you have to hide your relationship at work, and that is a problem in and of itself. Why do you think they say you shouldn't date coworkers?

[crawley]

Thanks Lahnnabell.

Its so difficult to be objective in my position. When we argue and he makes it seem like I'm being unreasonable, it actually makes me doubt myself. Am i being over bearing? Should I just chill out?

Oh its all so overwhelming. :-(

[Gigabitch]

At the same time I feel like I don't deserve to have to watch my bf flirt - but he's one of these guys who will not put someone else's needs before him own.

Red flag!

Okay, so he "needs" to flirt with this other woman? No, that doesn't work for me. I feel that you are being bullied into accepting something that's pretty unacceptable. Why does he keep encouraging other women? What is wrong with this guy, and why is he trying to make you feel like you're the one with the problem?

[lahnnabell]

Give him time to cool down, but you do need to have a serious talk with him about how his behavior his disrespectful. I think you also need to ask him if he feels that he NEEDS this type of attention from other women. He needs to take a good, hard look at himself. His not cheating on you is irrelevant because he is still hurting you and his casting it off without a care.

[davidtorres]

In a man's opinion.... Seriously, if a person cant show the text messages then he/she is hiding something. Thats common sense! goodluck with this guy. im sure he tapped that girl already.

[crawley]

Thanks for your input everyone - although I was kind of hoping I was the problem because I can fix it then!

It might be worth mentioning that although I've dated guys previous to this one, this is by far my longest relationship. Now I'm finding it really difficult to leave.

Jeez, emotions are funny things...

[lahnnabell]

So... do you plan on just driving yourself crazy with this situation until one of you gets fed up and leaves?

[xxazurexx]

Thanks Lahnnabell.

Its so difficult to be objective in my position. When we argue and he makes it seem like I'm being unreasonable, it actually makes me doubt myself. Am i being over bearing? Should I just chill out?

Oh its all so overwhelming. :-(

If he wants to flirt with other women, he shouldn't be in a relationship with you, he should be single.

I would not tolerate any man who openly flirted in front of my eyes, or who sought fit to text other women when he was in a relationship with me.

I personally think you are C-R-A-A-Z-Y to put up with this dickhead and his disrespectful behaviour.

He tells you that you are being paranoid and unreasonable, so as to make you look the idiot.

In fact you are NOT the idiot and have your eyes wide open to his bullshit......and keep them open!

[xxazurexx]

Thanks for your input everyone - although I was kind of hoping I was the problem because I can fix it then!

It might be worth mentioning that although I've dated guys previous to this one, this is by far my longest relationship. Now I'm finding it really difficult to leave.

Jeez, emotions are funny things...

You seem to have very little self confidence and low self esteem.

How can the problem be with you, when it's him that in my eyes, is betraying you.

Everyone here agrees he's a dickhead and it's him in the wrong.

Why aren't you listening?