Ok, sorry this might be a bit long, but I need to explain my situation clearly. So there’s two men in my life I’m confused about and just to make things easier to explain let’s call them John and Jake.
I’m 24 and I just started a PhD and John is a post-doc in my advisor’s lab. He’s 38 and from the moment we met we got on really well. He’s helped me with a lot of things related to my degree and it’s so easy talking to him. He’s brilliant and we see eye to eye on so many things. He’s also told me he feels that same sense of kindredness with me and feels comfortable enough to even talk to me about more personal things. Up until a few months ago I had been with an ex that things had just fizzled out with – we had grown an changed too much to be compatible with each other anymore and being with John essentially highlighted a lot of things that were missing with my ex – mostly the goals we had for our lives. My ex didn’t like that I was doing this degree. The break-up wasn’t really bad or anything, but when I started trying to date other guys I realized I had feelings for John – very strong ones in fact. And over time it hasn’t gone away, they just get stronger. I’m sure this isn’t just a crush, I really think I’m in love with him. But thing is, when I try to think about it rationally it’s kind of stupid because he has some serious emotional issues (he’s talked to me about them). He was married before and his wife treated him pretty badly – she cheated on him several times and he was so reluctant to let her go, they only divorced last year – and she was the one that did it! And still he was so torn up by her leaving him. It hurts me so much to think of what she put him through and I find myself wanting terribly to show him that he will not have to worry about such things from me! It’s like his flaws only make him more endearing to me and I want to be there for him in a more than friends way. So one day I actually told him how I feel and he reacted a bit awkwardly and said he wasn’t interested in being in a relationship, but he didn’t actually say he wasn’t interested in me. And even since then nothing in his behaviour has changed. And sometimes I really get the impression he flirts with me a little. I still can’t help but have strong feelings for him, though & there are nights when I stay awake for hours just thinking about him and I get butterflies everytime I see him or see a message from him in my inbox.
Now, there’s Jake. Jake’s 26 and he’s in the middle of a PhD at our same college though in a diff field, and I met him through a friend a couple of years ago. We’d been casual acquaintances for a long while, though I was attracted to him from the beginning, but I was still with my ex at the time so I never thought of him seriously. Over the last 6 months or so, for whatever reason we’ve started hanging out more and I think he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. We click so well on all levels, he’s also brilliant, but there’s a strange kind of allure to him – he’s so “wise”, it’s not really the word I’m looking for, but he has a very unique ‘awareness’ about himself, other people, and just the world in general. And that makes him both comforting and mysterious to be around at the same time – I can’t really explain it well… So it’s not like I ever thought of him as ‘just a friend’, it’s always been a kind of in between thing. And a couple months ago he told me he thought of me in the same kind of way, just never seriously b/c I was with my ex. We ended up having sex at a party after shamelessly flirting with each other the whole evening and it was fantastic – I’ve never had 1st time sex be that good. Now he’s extremely good looking (he does have John beat there), but it wasn’t just physical – it was that weird ‘in-between’ thing. We had sex a few more times after that – it was so liberating being with him, he was so genuine and open, and we sort of naturally started behaving a bit more like a couple. But I still had these feelings for John, and what I felt for Jake was nothing like that, and being with him started to make me feel guilty so I told him I didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. Jake knew about John and understood what we had was in that “friends with benefits” area and he was so great about being understanding – he didn’t get angry with me at all and just kept being my friend. He was so supportive I almost felt like crying! But then he did confess to me that his feelings for me were getting deeper and wondered if I might be interested in trying to see if something more serious could develop between us. It was such a beautiful letter he sent me – hand written in the mail! But my feelings for him just don’t compare to what I feel for John, and I told him I didn’t feel the same way at all.
And here’s the most important thing – his reaction was unlike anything I’d ever heard of and makes me think his feelings for me really are true and genuine. He used a really beautiful metaphor – the letter, his confession of his deepening feelings was a gift he gave me. I had the choice of whether or not to accept, and I chose not to, but his need was to give the gift to me, not to have me accept it. He did so, and is now at ease. And he’s actually gone back to just being my friend, and believe me when I say he’s really ok with it! He’s even started dating again. That’s what I meant about him having a very unique personality. It was all so simple for him – I said no and that was that - and it makes me kind of envious! He’s just happy to see me happy and to have me in his life, even if it’s not in a way he may have ideally liked to explore.
Because he’s so amazing this way, I’m now starting to second-guess myself. Maybe I would have been more interested if John wasn’t in my life? What are the chances I’m going to come across someone I’m as compatible with and who’s as genuine as Jake again? I mean, really, he’s got everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner and more – so why don’t I feel about him the way I do for John? I don’t even know what my chances are with John… and what if I get over him and realize I actually do want Jake and he’s with someone else? Or if I do start something with John and find that I fall out of love with him? This would be easier if I thought of Jake as just a friend, but that’s not the case. I’m not even sure exactly how to describe it… Am I missing a once-in-a-lifetime chance at something really special here? Or am I doing the right thing by being honest with my feelings…
Sorry again for the length, but I really need to get this off my chest as its been bothering me an awful lot. Is it an infatuation I have for John? Do infatuations last for over a year? Thanks for any insight, guys – help me make the right choice!