I am going through a major crisis and I need some help

[cred]

This is the first time I've ever used a website like this, so bare with me.

First off let me give a little background. A couple of years ago I moved into an apartment with two guy friends. One of the friends brought a new girlfriend into the apartment, and she immediately began flirting with me heavily. He mistreated her, and for a few months me and her were as good as boyfriend/girlfriend, although she was still officially and publicly in a relationship with him.

Eventually my conscience got to me, and I had a sit down discussion with her saying she needed to make up her mind. She had invited me to meet her parents (before her real boyfriend got a chance to) and I told her I wouldn't do it unless she made up her mind. I felt bad for her boyfriend, whom I had known for years, and decided that it wasn't right to be doing this to him.

She ended up lying about me behind my back, essentially told everyone I was a psycho and a creep, and I ended up getting in a fight with her boyfriend over the entire ordeal where I got jumped. To add insult to injury, all of the friends I'd made in town now wanted nothing to do with me and all of the networking I'd built up during my time in college was completely ruined. Oddly enough, she ended up cheating on her boyfriend several times, but when I found out about this he would never believe me because our trust was completely ruined.

In other words, I tried to do the guy a favor, and tried to do the right thing, and it blew up in my face. Hell hath no fury...

I also worked with this girl for a college newspaper.

Flash forward to the following year. I now lived with my parents. No one in the office really gets along with me, and I'm on the verge of quitting simply because no one will listen to me and I know that everyone has taken her side. I'd even considered suicide.

A new girl, who I will call "Mary" starts as the news editor. At first I get the same treatment from her that I got with everyone else, but eventually she began to warm up to me and accept me as a mentor. As the months went on, she confessed to me that my former fling had basically spelled me out as a total psycho to everyone, but "Mary" herself no longer believed it. We became good friends, and eventually I became friends with her boyfriend as well.

Me and her became the workhorses of that office and ended up bringing that paper to a new level of acclaim. While many people were leaving early and flaking out, we were giving 110 percent. Many people became suspicious that we were having some sort of affair. We were aware of this, but it didn't matter: she sincerely loves her boyfriend and he's not a jealous guy whatsoever, and trusted me (unlike the previous situation). Myself on the other hand swore I would never get into the same situation that I got into a year prior.

In fact, our work eventually got us to the top dog positions of that paper. She became Executive Editor, and I was one step below her as Managing Editor. This was the beginning of when things got weird...more on this later.

On top of that, she's about a 10. I'm about a 3 (but have been told I get a 9 for personality, whatever that means). I just didn't consider it.

So about two years have passed since me and "Mary" became good friends. And I do mean CLOSE friends. I'm now out of school and in the job hunt, bored out of my mind and unemployed. She's in a larger, much more important city, doing a journalism internship at a very prestigious university before she returns to complete her last semester of school.

This is where shit begins to go awry.

I helped her write a couple of her essays some months back to get accepted to that internship. It wasn't because she couldn't do it herself, but because there was a deadline and she couldn't have gotten all of her work done in time.

After graduation, I began to feel an enormous amount of jealousy. She was promoted to Executive Editor over me, even though I was still training her. I know for a fact, knowing our boss, that was due to superficial reasons. She never acted like she was above me...she assured me that me and her were running that paper "together" and that my orders were as good as hers. That tells you a little about her character...she's at least somewhat humble.

Then she gets that internship. My luck has been rough the past few months, and I won't lie....it bugs the hell out of me. She's living it up in a city that is basically the journalism capital of the world, making new friends and meeting important people, interning for an at least somewhat well-known paper (albeit a conservative rag). Meanwhile, I'm living at home, writing cover letter after cover letter, rejoicing when I even get a call back from an employer.

And this jealousy, naturally, has turned into an obsession. I'm texting her impulsively, checking in on her EVERY DAY, and I'm beginning to think about her in ways I never used to. I'm losing my self-control and I've fallen for her.

I spy on her facebook. Get jealous when I see pictures of her out clubbing. I even fantasize about her.

And frankly, I'm scared of what will happen. I know that this isn't love, that this is infatuation...but at the same time, i can't help but feel that love is there. Me and her were a team. I think about times she flirted with me and I wonder if it was just for attention or if there was something more to it. Most all I think about when her friendship basically saved my life.

I always try and get her to apply at newspapers near where I'll end up, and tell her that I will get her a job wherever she ends up. I'm always thinking about her.

I don't think she's a bad person. I know that my jealousy is my own, and she's admitted to me that she hates that I'm where I'm at...that I deserve the same as her. She is a good friend. She's the exact opposite of what I went through with the girl before.

I know she's probably going to marry her boyfriend soon. But I really feel like I should tell her, or say something to her. I really, really want to. But I know that if I do that, this friendship that I value enormously will be destroyed. I know she isn't available, and I know she'll be put off. My intention is not to make an advance, it's to get it off my chest and let her know how I feel. I know the results would be disastrous but another part of me is more optimistic, and says "You don't know what will happen...it could be a good thing."

Should I keep my mouth shut? Should I cut the cord on the friendship for her sake and my own? Is this separation anxiety and I was in denial about liking her all along? What should I do? I'm a grown man and I feel like a teenager.

[vashti]

I think you should cut contact. You might even want to think about closing out your FB account until you get over this. She's not available to you, and all your obsessing is just rubbing salt into the wound and preventing you from moving forward.

[cred]

So do you think I should eliminate contact with her permanently?

And won't she think something is up if I just stop speaking to her without saying why? This is a person who has confided in me a lot.

[vashti]

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her you need a break... tell her you just need to focus on your career, or something. One day, you will wake up and realize you have moved on, and then you can reconnect if you like.