I have been with my husband for 10 years and we have 2 children. My husband has always been anxious, and this anxiety displays itself in the form of anger. Eg: a sudden change of plans means he starts yelling at everyone in the house to "hurry up". he also has some obssessive compulsive tendencies eg: easily upset and angered if the wrong cloth is used for cleaning something.
We have had counselling in the past and he has attended anger management classes in relation to his temper which he has taken out on me in unacceptable ways eg: pushing, threatening, verbal abuse, name calling. There is improvement for a while (months) and then we will have an argument (I can be prone to pushing his buttons) and he will explode into verbal or threatening abuse and occassional pushing. He carries out this behaviour towards me in front of the children and on some occasions in public. He does not seem concerned that his voice is bellowing abuse at me across the neighborhood.
In between these episodes he is a good hard-working, family man who shows love and affection
Over the past couple of years I have noticed him becoming more depressed and particularly in the last few months. Sleeping more during the day, crying at times and talk of suicide. He blames me for all his problems. Apparently I nag him too much, I don't give him enough affection, I don't support him etc. We can have rational conversations about all this and he appears to respond well, but then his mood will change suddenly (even within half an hour) and he will become angry and make snide remark towards me. I have said to him many times that if he is not happy with me and our life that he is free to leave. However, his response is always to say "that's want you want...for me to leave." He thinks that I have schemed and planned right from the beginning to "use him and then lose him". The next day he will act like everything is fine and appear like a normal balanced individual.
Last month I asked him to visit his doctor to get help for his anxiety and depression. He was prescribed Cymbalta which he takes everyday. We had an argument 10 days ago about a normal domestic type issue (nothing serious). Even after I apologised (which was reasonable - I did start the argument after having a bad day myself) he has not been able to let the issue go and has spent the last 10 days telling me that "I need to fix the problem. I caused it and I should do something to make it up to him". I ask him what he wants me to do other than apologise, but he cannot tell me.
The verbal abuse and threats became much worse and the other night after drinking his way through 7 cans of beer he started the whole thing again. I have just been happy to drop the subject and move on, however he follows me around the house demanding answers, shouting and verbally abusing me. It reached the point (and I have never seen him like this before) whereby I had to lock myself and children in the bedroom while he smashed on the door and kicked a hole in the wall. He just kept continually verbally abusing me through the door. I had no choice but to call the police as I was terrified (as was our daughter). The police were unable to arrest him but sent him to hospital (given the combination of his medication and the alcohol). The next day he remembered very little about the incident and continued to alternate between moods of abusive anger and normal rational discussion.
It is very distressing for me as I still love him and want to keep the family together. My daughter is really angry towards him now. At my request to keep all of us safe, he has moved out. He left me a note saying that " it is over, finished. There is no going back". The next day he visits the children to take them to school and he is very calm and reasonable towards me. We are able to give each other a hug and I offer to support him if he wants to see his doctor, psychologist etc. He takes it all really well, but tomorrow could be another story. Am I naive to think that he may have a mental illness or am I just not seeing that he is really a horrible abusive man with little hope of change.