I'm stumped. What gives? Am I out of line for feeling like this ???

[SueEllen]

I have a problem and I cannot find anything on the internet that is comparable, so bear with me while I start from scratch. I apologize in advance for the length.

This involves me, age 43, Joe, age 49 (my fiance) and Joey (future stepson, age 29)

Joe and I have been together for 4 years. In that timeframe, we have run the gamut of him leaving and returning to me. We have gone through it more times than I can count on one hand. He would either get 'cold feet' the first year or have difficulty really severing ties to his 2nd ex-wife, even though no children were involved..., or, as time progressed, he would be frustrated over bad money decisions he made, changing his job, just feeling the "what direction should I go in" mid-life crisis sort of feelings, etc. etc. Personally I think he's bi-polar because he has ups and downs, but I stuck by him and we worked it all through. In 2006, I met the 1st ex-wife at a party where she exclaimed he would always be "the love of her life" but in a drunken state later, she took me aside and told me a few sordid stories about when they were married. She would find phone numbers of women wrapped up in the tinfoil box, under his car mats, even in his shoes. These are stories that Joe vehemently denies, so who knows if any of that is true. I let it slide.

The first 2 years out of 4 though, were tough. We worked through me finding out he sent his ex-wife the same bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day 2007. We worked through him having a "secret" cell phone in that same time period when he was speaking to her. So there were some obvious trust issues I was rightfully having at the time. But this past year, things seem to truly have become rock solid and Joe seems very content. He's excited about landscaping our property. We laugh together more, cuddle more, and he calls more often. Joe has been working at a car dealership (he's been a car salesman for 25 years) pretty much 24/7 and when he's not working he comes straight home. It seems he's happy, has settled down, we get along much, much better, and he pays a lot of the bills, keeps up the yard, etc. He's doing his part and seems to be settling in and enjoying being in our relationship. I am, and have been since the beginning, very much in love with him.

Fast forward another year. His 29 year old son and his girlfriend break up. "Joey" needs a place to live and save some money, so Joe and I open our home to him. We put a bed in the back room so he'd have his own space. Joey pays no money to live here. He wants his own place, so hopefully he'll be moving out soon.

Joe and I met his other son Jason who's back from the military last night at a bowling alley bar. Jason is 27. Good kid. They are both good people but Joey is the one fixated on women and getting laid, so to speak. I don't allow him to bring girls here. After one time last year that I woke up at 2:00 AM only to bump into a girl in the dark he had brought in the back door, I said no more of that.

Fast forward to last night now.

We are at the bar. Jason, his platonic friend and her brother, Joe, and I. Joe is 49 and I am 43. Joey comes in with a girl named Meghan who is 24. Now, I will be the first to admit I am somewhat the jealous type and can be possessive because of all that's happened in the past with Joe. Joey KNOWS this. He knows what I have been through, he knows his father very, very well...... and he understands I have self esteem issues due to the history we've gone through.

So Joey comes in with Meghan and the entire bar STOPS. Picture Angelina Jolie, but much, much, much prettier. Picture the best looking Victoria's Secret model you've ever seen. She's more beautiful. Like somebody airbrushed her from head to toe, but in real life! I'm sure she will be famous very soon, believe me. Innocent looking but very slutty at the same time. Apparently she and Joey have been friends for about 10 years (though I had never met her and Joe hadn't seen her since she was about 10 years old, and they all lived in the "old" neighborhood.) Meghan has black straight gorgeous hair, huge baby blue eyes, a perfect model's face, and a body that could stop a train. Her outfit consisted of a black leather halter top cut into her cleavage with silver clasps - almost like a corset, with matching hot pants (shorts shorts that were also black leather and looked painted on this perfect body) and she topped it all off with stilletto high heels. She came in swinging her hair with her talon fingernails and giggling. Legs up to her neck. Perfect legs connected to a perfect ass, etc. etc. She looked like a sex angel. She was literally the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on and I know I was not alone thinking that. She was exceptionally beautiful and her body was flawless. SO..... Joey immediately looks at me and says, "is there a problem?" smiling and joking around. Now, this group all knows what Joe and I have been through. So I feel that's a joke at my expense and I answer, "no, why would there be?" and he rolls his eyes and smiles. Meantime, Meghan sits next to me and begins chatting away about how she used to be a Budweiser Girl, how she was stopped today to meet with agents tomorrow who want to put her into a modeling career, and how her breasts are fake and her top button broke off her shirt (oopsie!!! tee hee!) - then she whispers to me, "I just want you to know that I know everything you and Joe have been through over the past few years, Joey tells me everything, and I would NEVER disrespect you." and she is holding my hands saying this and I'm thinking oh. my. god. I just outwardly smiled and said "that's good to know..." she proceeds with hugging everyone including Joe, who could not put his eyes back into his head. Everywhere she walked, his eyes followed. Now I cannot blame him. He's a very masculine sexual type as it is. He oozes charm, and even I was checking her out along with everyone in the bar. So he was just doing the same thing all of us were doing. But it bothered me a lot inside. I tried not to show it. I was especially friendly to her because I felt she wanted badly to belong, and I knew the others were watching for a jealous streak in my reaction so I didn't give one, but I guess you could say i'm transparent because anyone who knows my situation (and they do) knows how hard Joe and I worked to put things back together and now we are finally on steady ground, so I would like to think..... but this girl is chatting to me about life after death, her dad and grandpa, etc etc.... and I'm sure other girls have rejected her on sight all her life. So I am sincerely trying not to pre-judge her even though she is OVER THE TOP GORGEOUS and is dressed like a stripper dominatrix hanging everything out (butt cheeks and all)....She was chatting to me about her boob job, (she could not keep her hands off her own breasts), how her and Joey have dated for 10 years on and off, and then after a couple hours and a few more beers she is giggling at the table talking about how it feels when Joey sticks his finger up her a**. I'm not making this up. The whole table is roaring, I'm glancing over at Joe, he's laughing so hard his face is in his hands, and I'm thinking, ok, where is the revolver, LOL..... Meghan is on Joey's lap and he's grabbing playfully at her and she's dancing on him.... the other girl who was there (Jason's platonic friend) and I are rolling our eyes and Chris, another guy, sees this and starts laughing too. I tried to laugh it all off and this girl kept begging me (dragging me) to accompany her to the ladies room so she could reapply her eyeliner and lip gloss and spray her cologne in her chest, but after the 2nd trip in 20 minutes, I told her I didn't need to go so she happily skipped off to continue primping alone in the mirror. She was 24 but socially and mentally more like 14, so I found it hard to feel she was a threat. Still, it was uncomfortable to be sitting next to her all night and everytime she got up to walk to the bar, literally EVERY MAN turned his head. I'm not exaggerating. Men were coming up to her trying to talk to her. I was sitting next to her feeling like chop liver in jeans and a tee shirt and Joe was relishing the limited conversation he had with her. I saw "that look" in his eye - the GLINT, which was always reserved for me and he was smiling ear to ear making small talk about how he sold her dad a car when she was little, etc.etc...... As far as her talking with me, she dominated the conversation. She'd ask me a question and when I would answer, she would interrupt to talk more about HER. So I gave up and nodded and smiled.

Next thing you know, Joey is SPANKING her at the table. She's like oh STOP IT!!!! giggle and Joe said, "it's ok as long as it doesn't hurt". MY Joe says this. I'm really blowing it off outwardly and laughing with the crowd, but inside I'm seething. Still, everyone is making comments at her expense and she's feeding into the attention, but it felt like they were doing it at MY expense. Joe didn't say anything othert han that, really, other than joking with everyone at the table how he was "Big Joe" as opposed to his son "little joe", but at one point, she went to the juke box, I went to the ladies room, and I come out and Joe is standing with her alone at the juke box. I know. I'm paranoid. It's stupid. I'm insecure. So I walk over there and he had not seen me at this point and was walking out back where it's open to outside while she's still at the juke box alone picking her rap music. I jump up behind him and say "watcha doing" and he says "making sure the car hasn't been stolen... thought I'd get some fresh air".... (what a liar!) So my mind is racing. Did he hand her a business card? Would he do that? What did he say to her? Of course I'll never know, but this is playing in my head....

Keep in mind that there were a couple of times Joe could sense my discomfort and he did put his arm around me, around my waist, etc. So he was being sensitive to me, but it was just so awkward that Joey brought her. Then Joe asks me if I want the leftover chicken wings from dinner. I say ok. an hour later he asks Meghan if she wants them for HER son. (she has an 8 year old son and she's 24).

Long story short, Joey and Meghan eventually left and the crowd broke up and we all went home our separate ways. Joey just came strolling in this morning, so..... he's sleeping now and Joe tried to hold my hand in bed this morning but I didn't really respond. I pretended to be asleep. I don't know who, if anyone, I should be mad at. Myself for my insecurites? Joey, who knew how I felt and what I have gone through with his dad and brought her? The girl who obviously is clueless and loose (while she was in the ladies room one of the other guys at the table said everyone in the neighborhood had "had" her at one point....) or Joe for being a man at all?

I know Joey will say something to me today like "is everything ok from last night?" I am tempted to answer, "I just have a couple questions. Does Meghan always dress like a stripper or did you reserve that to parade her around in front of your father and me?" But then I am showing my ass so I feel like keeping my mouth shut. Joey and I always got along before, so there's no way he would want to break me and his dad up. He genuinely likes me, or so I thought. But knowing everything, why would he flaunt her, esp in front of us?

Worst part of all this is that Jason (the brother) leaves for the military again next week so we are supposed to host a BBQ here at our home for everyone. I don't know, but I'm thinking Joey might have her here to add to the drama and "fun". I'm sure Joe wouldn't mind. I do not feel comfortable at all and I need some advice. I feel like everyone's eyes were on MY reaction to her all night.

Advice?

[Gigabitch]

Jeeze Louise, SueEllen, you're 43, not 83. I had to change the font size on your post because it was making me googly-eyed. Okay, now I can go back and read.

[SueEllen]

It was just such a long post, I thought it would be easier on everyone and they might read it through if it was bigger.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, first of all, yes, Meghan probably does dress like a stripper all the time and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. She wasn't there to spite you and Joey didn't bring her to spite you, though it appears he enjoyed making you uncomfortable. Yes, she sounds pretty gross, but what can you do? I think sexual jealousy on your part is understandable, especially considering your history with Joe, and it would be nice if he made even more effort to avoid contact with Meghan, but the fact is, he's known her most of her life.

Do you really think this kid is a threat to your relationship? You think Meghan would put out for Joey's dad? Really? I don't.

Be a lady. Yes, it's annoying to have a Playboy centerfold type hanging her ass cheeks out all over the place, but you still have to remain composed. Pitching a fit because you find her to be trashy won't stop the fact that she's trashy or that she's been involved with Joey for 10 years. She's part of the deal. Take a Valium before the barbecue if you have to, but don't act like a spoiled child.

Will Joey be living with you indefinitely? He sounds like a great big man-whore, and it would be lovely if he would take himself off down the road somewhere. Maybe he could move in with Meghan.

[SueEllen]

I totally agree with you. And I have not pitched a fit at this point. It's all internal. I smiled, laughed, high-fived the girl, the whole nine yards. But inside my stomach was a different story.
I'll take a Lexapro if he brings her. It's just I'm having a hard time talking "normally" with Joey today, or wanting to speak to Joe at all considering I can't wrap my head around why he would have to go by the jukebox and then out back to "make sure the car was ok". It's all such a line of shit. I'm old enough to know that and accept it, but WTF DID he say to her?
oh well we'll never know so no use wondering.
I am just having a very hard time digesting the whole evening.

[Gigabitch]

I would too. If it were me in your shoes, I'd be wanting to take one of those shoes off and cram it up Joe's ass.

Lexapro is your friend.

[SueEllen]

Joe, Joey, or both? (and let's not forget Miss Thang!)

[SueEllen]

Joey just asked me why I look "SO PISSED OFF"
I told him I was tired.
WTF. as if he doesn't knowl

2 people playing passive aggressive shit but if I admit anger to his insensitive asshole-ness than guess who the bad guy is?
ARGH!!!! I'm feeling very rotten today.

[Gigabitch]

Joe. He's the only one you should be concerned with. Joey is a horse's ass and Miss Thang is just being what she is. Joe needs to watch it around her (and by "it", I don't mean he fake, button-busting boobies).

[SueEllen]

and as far as do i think Meghan would put out for Joey's dad? Let me answer.

Chris (one of the guys from the old neighborhood) told us "all the guys" had been with her at one point or another. So. She is not fussy. I think she would do it for a half an apple.
Do I think Joe would do it?
Not if he could get caught. Believe me. The pope would consider it.

[Gigabitch]

Then I'd watch his foolish ass like a hawk. He should know that going off to have private conversations with her is going to cause trouble, but just in case he doesn't, you might need to tell him. Don't make it about your your insecurities, make it about facts. Any woman on the planet would have a problem with this.

My brother used to date strippers and he used to bring them to my parties. My boyfriends knew to stay the hell away from them.

[SueEllen]

I just went off on Joey's ass. I don't care. He says he won't talk to Joe about it but what can I do. Joey said "something's wrong; you're being passive aggressive" so I told him what I told you here.

And as far as her sleeping around, I think as long as there's a mirror where she can watch herself, she's in.

[LailaK]

You sure are making a lot of excuses for Joe. The whole "he's a man doing what men do..." bit is stupid. If Brad Pitt walked into the bar would you be allowed to drool all over him? Man or not, he should have thought more about your feelings and less about putting his d*ck into someone else.

Also, Joey's not the problem. He's NOT your man and he can do what ever he wants. Stop taking your anger out on him. Joe was the problem and you know it.