Please help :(

[Christobal]

In advance, let me just say that I would really appreciate some good constructive advice to help me move forward. Thanks in advance for helping me out.

Three weeks ago, I finally split up with my (now ex) girlfriend after a three and a half year long relationship. There had been many close encounters before, but this time is the first where we have properly split up.

It was me who broke it off, and me who had (on many occasions up till that point) suggested that we should. Three weeks later, I really regret the decision and want to get back together with her, but she will not take me back, saying that this time I have pushed her too far and that she has no more love to give.

Here's the thing: we are almost perfect together - it really does feel like fate how well we get on together, how much fun we have and how we seem to be made to be together - yet my heart has never (at least not consistently and reliably) been in the relationship as much as her - or rather, my heart has been in it but my actions have not reflected this... She showed me constant love and affection, was honest about everything, was so sensitive, and wanted to be with me forever. Yet I continually shoved it back in her face. We fought a lot, nearly always started by me. I backed out of so many social occasions (with both family and friends) which she really wanted me to be at. Generally, I just didn't put her needs and desires first. Granted, when I did show her love, she was the happiest girl in the world, and everything was amazing, but she never had any consistency from me. I was simply not reliable, and on top of things I put her through a lot of pain.

It wasn't like I cheated on her or anything, obviously, and I had plenty of chances (believe me). I guess I have to be honest in saying that I am extremely good looking guy - as in 10/10 - but barely make the effort (at least not outside the bedroom) to keep in shape, and probably have a little layer there that could be trimmed off - I say this not to suggest there is any physical (or sexual) reasons behind our breakup, but to simply make the rather superficial point that I am a much better looking guy than she is a girl (subjective idea, but one most people would share) - and I don't care about this at all, b/c I was attracted to her so much - and she is really really fit - does a lot of yoga and have a perfect body (at least for me) - I love her and am so attracted to her - my very point is that I could have any girl I wanted - seriously, such a smooth talker - could chat up most models and actresses and have them like putty in my hands - from being conscious of these social advantages has come a certain level of narcissism, and arrogance, which has in turn caused me to become more and more self-obsessed and selfish. I really hate these character traits, and want to get rid of them.

To make matters worse, she became increasingly frustrated with my lack of ambition. She is a solicitor and makes a decent salary. I, on the other hand, am still in education (at 27!) - postgraduate, but all the same - and have yet to work at a steady job.... she worries for the future... I come from a very wealthy family, and so for this reason perhaps I have never felt the same urgency as others invariably do in needing to go out and find a job. Also, I have almost unlimited potential. Honestly, you'll rarely meet a more intelligent person - please don't think I mean this in an arrogant way - in fact, I take no pride in it as I am coming to see it is not what one is capable of doing but what one does in fact do with it that counts. And this is the whole point -

After basically pushing her away at so many points throughout our relationship, I have finally pushed her too far, and now she won't take me back - this at the one time when I finally see the gross error of my ways and how differently I would do things if I got the chance to show her - but this is where it gets really difficult -

For two weeks after I broke it off, I barely thought about her - I had a lot of work on, and I must have been repressing the feelings - whatever the explanation, my feelings didn't come to the fore for two whole weeks! Then, out of the blue, they all just hit me like a tonne of bricks! I have been in a desperately emotional state all week, and have been sending emails, voicemails, texts, etc, trying to get her back. It became quite dramatic, and I continued after she had repeatedly asked me to stop contacting her... She says she cannot be in contact with me because it is just too painful - that, as much as she loves me, she has had to let me go - saying that I need to get my life sorted out, which I really, really do, and that I need to get on with this right now - but IT IS KILLING ME not being able to contact her!!!! - I have taken her for granted so much in the past, and many times she probably felt the same kind of exasperation with me as I am now feeling in relation to her - I know I deserve this, and that the situation I find myself in is as a direct consequence of my actions - but it is just eating me up inside!

I have to hand my thesis in come the end of August (it is in International Human Rights Law), and through e mail she suggested that although she still loves me and wants to stay in touch, she feels like we should not speak to eachother till after August - she says she thinks this period will do us both good - that we will be able to reflect upon all that has come before and all that will come after - yet not seeing her is really taking its toll on me - and I promise it's not that I am desperate to make love with her, which I am, but it's more that (unlike in the past) I am genuinely thinking of the pain she is going through in trying to move on, and want to comfort her and put her mind at ease - to show her the love that she deserves to be shown - I can do this because I know her heart inside out, even though my past actions might suggest otherwise... then I basically told her that I am going to change my ways for real and become the man that she needs me to be for her - the only thing is that, I need hope! Hope that we will get back together in the future - but she says she cannot give me guarantees about the future - she needs to move on, and that, whilst there is always hope, she cannot make any promises...

Now that I write out this posting, I can already imagine the types of responses it will no doubt provoke - basically, you probably think:

"If you are the one who has messed things up, and pushed her too far, and she needs a few months cooling off time, then just bite your tongue, give her what she wants and leave her alone - it would be much worse if she never wanted to see you again, but she does, so who knows what might happen in the future - in the meantime, get on with making the changes you both know are necessary if this hypothetical future relationship with her is going to be different than the one in the past"

And I know you'd be right to say this... it's just that now I truly do want to do things differently, and want to show it to her, and it's very difficult to do whilst we are apart!

Do you think I should use this time to do amazing things, almost like in Groundhog day when time stood still and Bill murray became the ubermensch? i.e. should I keep the vision of our reunion alive in my mind, in order to motivate the changes that need to be made in my life if I am to deserve her back? OR, should I just forget about her and move on in the interests of easing this traumatic emotional state I am currently in? It's very difficult. It might not seem to be the worst situation in the world, but I am very low at the moment. I love her. Please help [/SIZE]

[Teddy057]

By no means am I trying to insult you, but... You seem like a huge ungrateful jackass. A girl like that totally deserves better than you, and you need to change. Now, change won't come in a matter of days or even weeks, but in months and months of thinking about what you did and why you acted that way. Sometimes you need to hit ROCK BOTTOM to realize what it is you did, and try to work things out within yourself. The fact that you continually brought up how good looking you are in this post makes me wonder how much you are self-absorbed.. That's not good... Relationships aren't about "Oh i coulda cheated on her but, I didn't!" In fact, that thought should never even cross your mind. Maybe it's because you were raised as a very wealthy child, making you not appreciate certain things, but, I can tell you that having someone who cares for you as much as this girl did is the ONLY thing that matters in life, and it is the best thing in this world. My advice to you is, take time, think about the way you act and try to re-evaluate your ATTITUDE. Because, she will never want you back or even need you back if you keep on being so ungrateful.

[Christobal]

In retrospect I realise all the talk of how rich and good looking I am must have come across very badly to you, and quite rightly. Yet I don't think it reflects correctly what I am like. Anyway, as you say, the focus should be on her, and overwhelmingly is, it's just that i'm not going to be falsely modest. I was referring more to the way I am perceived by others, rather than how I perceive myself.

Perhaps because she perceives me as being so perfect (she really really loves me and still does) she always discouraged me from doing what I would've done a long time ago, and that is to split up. It was not so much that I did not love her, but I did not feel I was able to commit to her. So many times I tried to break it off, but on her pleading we continued. The thing is, as you say, it has taken this to make me realise what matters, and that the promise of space and freedom I longed for was an illusion all along.

We are not going to break contact till after the summer, and who knows, I might have a chance to make things right. In the meantime, it is killing me not to be in contact. Do you think I should get in touch at all, or respect her wishes to break contact completely? I just fear that I will not have another chance.

[Teddy057]

She said she "needs to move on" right? I think that's your answer right there. You could be part of her future, or you might not. People have a breaking point, and i think you pushed her above and beyond that. Of course she still loves you, and you love her. But, sometimes you need to let them go and discover life outside of you. So, I wouldn't contact her, let her be free. You both are probably noticing this huge void in one anothers lives, that is very common after a break up, but it is no excuse to give in and contact her.Stay strong, stay busy, and don't let the pain consume you.

[Christobal]

The reason why I brought up the whole "good looking" thing was actually because I could easily go out and get another girl, and if I followed the perverted logic of some of the online post-break-up suggestions, I could make her jealous in this way (by going out with some really attractive girl) - but of course I wouldn't dream of doing this - so am I meant to pin my hopes on getting back together with her, even though we will not be in contact over the next few months? I really want to, and I think that this would more than anything demonstrate my seriousness about getting my shit together and getting back with her - it's just sad that this probably isn't what most people would think is the best way to show it.

[Teddy057]

I really wouldn't dwell on the past, and or hold on to the hope of her coming back and you two having a fairy tale ending. Because, I don't think that will happen. I think you could prove you're getting your shit together by using this time apart to really concentrate on finding a steady job, or further your education or what have you. Don't try to prove things to her, try and prove them to yourself. If she's the one for you, it will happen, maybe you will both go on to date other people and find out no one can match what you two had. Or, maybe she'll date some guy who really appreciates everything she does and she won't miss you one bit. Things usually have a way of working themselves out, and if your love for one another is strong enough, it will bring you back together one day. The last thing you want to do is put your life on hold for her, it's doing nothing but stunting your own growth as a person.

[Jas_mine]

Tone down the excessive conceitedness and presumptuousness if you ever plan on winning back the girl in question. You have such a high opinion of yourself, it's just completely amazing. You say you are extremely intelligent but unfortuntlely this is not evident from your post at all, in fact quite the opposite. Hey, you knew very well that having written what you did was going to subject yourself to getting completely slated but I'm going to try and resist, as difficult as it is.

First and foremost like Teddy explained, you need to ditch the 'God's Gift' attitude, it's appalling, you make it seem like your ex was a charity case what with all the models and actresses you could have had. Dude, stop being such a joke. Try being humble and modest instead. Seems she invested a lot into the relationship and you let her down over and over again with your noncommittal ways, you can only push somebody so far, everybody has a limit and it appears she has reached hers. The best thing I can suggest is that you thoroughly apologise for your behaviour. Like properly. Maybe you should write her a lengthy explanatory email detailing where you have gone wrong, how you went wrong and how extremely sorry you are for how things ended. Maybe you should use whatever 'amazing things' you have up your sleeve as a means to apologise rather than woo her back. See what effect this has.

As she has requested a little distance at the moment it is probably a good idea to grant her wish. However I know that August is a fair time away and you are probably thinking 'out of sight, out of mind', that she may well find somebody else if you leave it that long but it is out of your hands. It is easy to say you have changed but harder to prove this - find a way to put this into action so that she can see it for herself. I don't think she needs grand/expensive gestures of love if that's what you had in mind, try being sweet, thoughtful and considerate instead, try being a friend and see if things escalate from there.

[Christobal]

I appreciate your input. Thanks.

You're of course right that any efforts should be challenged towards making amends and apologizing. I have already done this (through e-mails) and she has responded to them all.

I see what you mean about how it appears I am so full of myself, and while there is a lot of truth on it (which I will try to take on board) the simple fact is that a lot of it is true. We both know that, if there is anything worse than conceit, it is false modesty. I was merely trying to highlight those different points as a matter of reality and didn't mean for it to come out as "I am God's gift - how could she possibly leave me?" - yet I understand that this is how it appeared.

So I agree that I should show by my actions (while we are apart) that I am reforming my ways. I would never have dreamed of using expensive gifts to soften her heart, as if it would work anyway. It's all about how I treat her. She has told me that in no way is she looking around for someone else, and basically said "how could I?" - that she is just trying to get through each day without me - but I just can't help think that (come August) I will have had to move on completely in order to cope, and fear that if I do, and she then wants me back, that I will resent her for making me wait so long that I had to move on - and perhaps wonder whether it is just because she didn't find anyone better while we were apart - but who would want to be back together in those circumstances?

In any event, this would be moot, for I could not know that was the reason for a fact, and to be honest (if I were in that position) I would leave the new girlfriend and get back with my ex. Yet I just kinda need to ask if you can think of anything I could do.....

[LailaK]

If you care about her at all, leave her alone and let her move one. She'll likely meet someone who will treat her better than you ever did which is best in the long run. For her.