need advice i'm getting nuts

[Loveramix]

Ok my ex dumped me for another asshole the 22nd of january. She had an instant crush, and apparently it was so strong that after one year of a nearly perfect relationship she dumped me. she cried for days because she couldn’t help hurting me, and as i could tell from the beginning, everything was ****ed up in the end.
We parted on good ways, and i was nice enough to tell her that i would always love her because she truly is the coolest woman i’ve ever encounter on earth. She told me while dumping me that she would always love me too, but in a different way, and blah blah.
Of course i was devastated, as i had made plans to leave my country to live in her town(long distance relationship, but we didn’t meet online, we spent in average 1 day out of 5 together in 2009, without counting the hours on the phone(3-4 hours/day) + hours on msn etc., so it’s not the typical online fling).
Anyways….after 2 months of no contact(or almost, but when we did have contact it was hours on the phone), i learn that her life sucks, everything is ****ed up in her life, her relationship, she’s depressed etc. Just her 8 y.o son was doing good(she’s 42, i’m 34)

So i call her to offer some support. And actually waaay more than this. I told her that the retard she left me for had no idea of the luck he had, i told that i was ready to forgive everything, because everyone has the right to make a mistake ONCE, even if it’s a huge one like this, and so on. She cried for 2 hours(and she usually never cries, unless she’s REALLY messed up) while i was telling her how much she was important to me, how much i missed her, how i just wanted her and no one else, etc.
During all this phase, she cried. Ok first we had fun and laughed for 1-2 hours, but when we started to get serious and discuss us, it was a complete change of tone, there came the tears. She told me i was right in fact about love being a conscious choice, and making things grow, that a crush is silly and blah blah. This was in fact the only condition for me to take her back, i wanted her to understand this. That’s why i said then all the above, and basically i almost asked her to marry me(i was a little drunk) but it’s true that i want her, no one else, and while we were together all was great for both of us, and now our life is messed up, so why not start everything again ???
She thanked me so many times for being so nice and all, but she did not want to resume the relationship because she doesn’t want to make me suffer anymore. I have to say it was not a strong NO, it seemed more like she was feeling guilty, too guilty to resume, or at least not now(that was my impression)
Tonight she tells me her mother just died this afternoon. I asked her if she needed phone support, she told me that she was going to try sleeping instead. Ok. We still chat for 1 hours on msn, i wish her goodnight, to what she answers thank you sleep tight, i write big hugs, and then she disconnects.

The thing is that the distance is huge, so i cannot go there before at least a month, and even…Plus now wouldn’t be the best of times to reconquer her with the funeral and such….

Anyways….i’m pretty sure if i was next to her, i would simply be there and it would happen. But still her reaction to all the things i said was touching, she obviously cares a lot about me, but i didn’t get the answer i wanted, and that’s why i’m writing this silly message. I’m trying to analyse everything, to look for signs in every word she says, and i’m getting NUTS.
I don’t want a « leave the selfish whore alone » kind of answer. Even if she acted like one when she dumped me. I know what i want, i just don’t know what to do. I’m lost.
SO any kind of advice is appreciated. Thank you.

[sehvral]

Honestly, it doesn't matter what you want at this point, it is what she wants. And I don't think it is you. Any time a woman says no because she "doesn't want to hurt you", it means she doesn't feel *that* way about you, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying it. She's seeing you as the really close friend she can vent to.

I'd expect someone twenty years her junior to dump a stable BF for a fling, but not at her age. If her feelings for you were *that* strong, she wouldn't have acted like a little girl.

That being said, you're getting way too clingy with her. You two aren't even back together and you're already talking marriage??? Give her space to figure out what she needs. If she just lost her mom, this isn't the time to do *anything* other than being a shoulder to cry on (and only when she wants one).

[Loveramix]

you're totally right. that's basically what i told her yesterday, that she had all the cards in her hand, and everything was up to her. She was crying all this time. BTW i don't consider marrying anyone, so it's more like a figure of speech to say that i wouldn't mind spending my life with her.

There are other things to consider : her feelings for me might be strong, but i have addiction issues. So she might be scared, although i have shown her i could do a huge effort, but of course the breakup didn't help, she might aim for security, esp. with a 8 y.o child.

basically, i have shitloads of stuff to prove her. but the fact is that while we were together, she has never been so happy to my knowledge. Actually before me she had made a point not to invest time in a relationship, she was just interested in sex. But she changed her mind after we had spent the NYE together, so i have troubles to think her feelings for me can be erased so easily, especially when we manage to speak for 6 hours on the phone, and we still are really close. But not enough for me duh

[cmacattack1]

You say you are lost and don't know what to do, when you yourself put you in this situation. The reason why you are feeling this way is because you are putting in all the time with her with alterior motives. You think that by being a friend through her tough times, you are going to catapult yourself back into a relationship with her. It could very well work. But why do you need this so badly from somebody that doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about her? I say this because women don't just dump people on a whim. She was thinking about it for a while. While she thinks she screwed up and is mad at herself for giving up on something good, she still doesn't feel the same way.

She's had you through this whole ordeal and while it's a great cushion for her, I don't think it's really going to reconquer her. You do have some issues and I'm glad you are fixing them, but you should be doing this for you. Not for her. Not to prove anything to her. Trying to prove something itself doesn't prove anything. She dumped you, of course you feel like a failure. Take from this experience the lessons but you gotta put yourself first here. Is it really in your best interest to pursue somebody that is so very obviously messed up? You can only do so much but she has to ultimately want to better herself. You being there might actually impede this progress.

I don't know what else to tell you but I think you need a little space on your own away from her to really evaluate the possibility of this working. It doesn't seem right.