Talking About Exes

[Peter Pry]

In another thread, a poster has asked what he should do about his girlfriend who is interrogating him about his exes. Although I agree that he needs to stop the cycle of interrogation, I'm perplexed by some of the general advice, and would like to have a discussion about it without hijacking that thread. To wit:

I have a very simple don't ask, don't tell policy. I don't ask about her exes, and I don't talk to her about mine. I have no idea how many guys my GF has dated, who they were, or what happened. And I don't want to know.

That sucks. Any woman who actually wants to hear the fine details of your sexual past is MENTAL.

I agree, although she could just be really insecure. And highly unstable.

I don't see how you can possibly have a relationship without sharing the details of your sexual/romantic history. I think that any relationship in which one partner doesn't know and doesn't want to know how many, who, or what happened is deeply flawed. Not because I consider it mandatory to reveal these things, but because I think the whole point of a relationship is to share yourself with another person. In that other thread, it sounds like the GF is asking out of an insensitive intent to manufacture a federal dishonesty case, but in general I would consider it unhealthy to not want to share or know about this stuff (or, really, any significant stuff). Our pasts are part of who we are and made us the people we are today. If someone wants to know who I am, my history is a vital part of that conversation, and my sexual past is a huge part of that. I don't understand at all how a couple that doesn't share the important parts of themselves with each other can function in a healthy way. If the relationship is going to fall apart because you revealed "too much" about yourself, then your partner doesn't love the person you are and perhaps this wasn't the relationship for you in the first place.

So I'm not asking about responding to interrogation about sexual histories, but rather simply about sharing them as part of a sharing relationship.

Gigabitch, normally I greatly admire your advice, but in this case, I would claim the reverse: a person who is outright opposed to discussing sexual pasts (or anything of significance concerning their SO) is psychologically deflecting their natural curiosity that they must certainly have about a person they care for. Personally, I find that talking about past sexual adventures and whatnot is exciting, and probably accounts for a good portion of my conversation with anyone I'm involved with. Not as an interrogation, but as foreplay! It certainly seems like a very natural, very enjoyable, very erotic kind of conversation to me. And I'm pretty certain that I'm not unstable, mental, or deranged. I would have a very hard time in any relationship where such talk was off-limits or discouraged.

So can anyone explain for me why you might consider sharing sexual/romantic histories to be "mental"? How can setting any important topic off-limits possibly help a relationship?

[javagirl87]

Peter - I agree with you on this. Getting to know someone you start to love finer detail isn't about wanting to hear past relationships because you're crazy (though some may have crazy reasons for it) but mostly to understand part of their past in general and understand them better. I've found that knowing a boyfriends dating past has helped me get to know them better and vice versa. I have dated some crazy men, and normal ones. and of those, the normal ones were the ones that asked me about my past relationships in a mature way and were open about theirs with me. it's the crazy ones that refused to let me know anything about their past dating.


again, this is my personal experience...i'm big on being in a relationship where you open up to each other about important things in one's life/past.

[girl68]

Why don't we share? Simple really we all like to believe we are the best, always have been and nothing has ever compared. In reality that's probably not true. ESPECIALLY for men. Men want to beleive their girl is pure, and has few partners/ sexual relations so if asked the men would be likely not be impressed. So instead of being terribly dissapointed in your partner you choose to not know.

[JasonVoorhees]

I agree with Peter, as i said in the other tread, me and my GF shared all the expirience in the first few months, it didnt effect anything, we've been together for 4 and a half years , and i dont think im MENTAL.

[girl68]

Nearly always it is young very inexperienced people who feel like they must share. When you get older and have had numerous sexual experiences ALL sex does NOT make you who you are today. Did that dirty threesome REALLY change you? Did having sex in a car REALLY make you the person you are today? I think not.

The only sharing I agree with is vauge. Yes, I've had one nighters, I regret them and no longer practice them. Yes, I've been tested. And number is as far as I go.

Doing your supermodel hot ex gf while watching porn is WAYYYYYYYYYY TMI.

[Gigabitch]

Peter, there is a huge difference between sharing the nature of your past relationships and the fine details thereof. Huge. You really don't see the difference, there?

I want to know what my husband really likes when he's getting a blowjob. I do NOT want to know who did it first, who did it best, where they were when it happened, whether or not she swallowed, what she was wearing, whether there was music playing, if her cat was staring at him the whole time and if it was raining outside. He can tell me he likes it if I swallow and wear a black bra, etc., but I don't want to know the details about his exes.

I'm not alone in this. Most people don't want to know that stuff.

[javagirl87]

i agree, i don't want to know about all the sexual experiences. i just want to know about the important relationships in their past.

[sehvral]

Sharing doesn't mean being an open book, though. And my dating history is one aspect I simply don't see a need to go into detail about, nor do I need to know about hers. I'm not going to cover my ears and go "lalalalala" if she starts talking about her exes, but it isn't important enough for me to actively seek out.

I care about the present, not the past. If she wants to talk about her exes, I'll listen. If she doesn't, she won't bring it up. And I'm fine with that, unless something significant is being brought along (an STD, a bastard child, a crazy ex-husband who will shoot out my porch light). I don't really care where she learned that mind-blowing BJ technique, or how many guys lied to trick her into sleeping with them, unless there is significant baggage.

This is just an aspect of my personality. I don't have the desire to know every excruciating detail about another person. Not saying don't-ask-don't-tell is the ideal, but it is what works for *me*.

[Peter Pry]

Why don't we share? Simple really we all like to believe we are the best, always have been and nothing has ever compared. In reality that's probably not true. ESPECIALLY for men. Men want to beleive their girl is pure, and has few partners/ sexual relations so if asked the men would be likely not be impressed. So instead of being terribly dissapointed in your partner you choose to not know.

But that's enabling behavior. Instead of actually dealing with the harsh reality that your expectations are flawed and irrational (and misogynous!), you choose to cut out the reality instead of re-examining the unrealistic expectations? Instead of dealing directly with your insecurity, just shut up about the thing making you insecure?

[xxazurexx]

In relationships we've talked about past partners and how many partners, but never sexually explicit stuff and in regards to what we may have done with them.
It's something I didn't and wouldn't feel a need to know and I have better things to be talking about and thinking about, than a partners past sex life and which posistions they did it in and who was the best shag, etc, etc.....

[Peter Pry]

I do NOT want to know who did it first, who did it best, where they were when it happened, whether or not she swallowed, what she was wearing, whether there was music playing, if her cat was staring at him the whole time and if it was raining outside.

But why not? Sounds like it could be a fun story. You're even imagining possible details of it. Why not go with the real ones? I'm a bit flabbergasted, actually, that you don't even know the name of the person who gave your husband his first blowjob. To me, that sounds like there must be a huge empty space between the two of you, even though I'm sure there isn't. That could never happen in my world.

I'm not alone in this. Most people don't want to know that stuff.

I gather that, but since I'm not included in this particular version of "most people," and neither is anyone I've ever seriously dated, my question is why.

[Peter Pry]

Sharing doesn't mean being an open book, though. And my dating history is one aspect I simply don't see a need to go into detail about, nor do I need to know about hers. I'm not going to cover my ears and go "lalalalala" if she starts talking about her exes, but it isn't important enough for me to actively seek out.

I care about the present, not the past.... I don't really care where she learned that mind-blowing BJ technique....

Are all the details of the past unimportant and to be discussed only on a need-to-know basis, or just the sexual ones? Her long lost friends, for instance?

I honestly don't grok a lot of this. You're dating. It would seem dating history is at least somewhat relevant.

[sehvral]

But why not? Sounds like it could be a fun story. You're even imagining possible details of it. Why not go with the real ones? I'm a bit flabbergasted, actually, that you don't even know the name of the person who gave your husband his first blowjob. To me, that sounds like there must be a huge empty space between the two of you, even though I'm sure there isn't. That could never happen in my world.

For the same reason my GF doesn't want to sit in the corner and watch me **** another woman. There's nothing fun or arousing about that, and *very* few people want to hear graphics stories about how freaky their SO used to get with other people.

It isn't that there's a huge divide between us, it is just that ultimately we care what we do with each other, not what we did with other people in our past.

[sehvral]

Are all the details of the past unimportant and to be discussed only on a need-to-know basis, or just the sexual ones? Her long lost friends, for instance?

I honestly don't grok a lot of this. You're dating. It would seem dating history is at least somewhat relevant.

Only relevant to the point of "Do I need a shot of penicillin before we get started?"

I care about, and try to find out, the things in her past that had a profound effect on who she became. Life-changing events, memories that have stuck with her for all these years. Anything beyond that is details that she chooses to offer up, but that I don't pry into. And where/how she learned how to give a world-class BJ or that sleazy guy in the bar who lied to her aren't life-changing.

[girl68]

I do not want to know nor would I be able to look at him straight in the face if I know all about his adventures with other women. My expectations do not equal what I know as reality. Let me explain. I *want* to be the best, and the first. I *know* that I'm obviously not the first nor should I expect to be given that I date 20 somethings and even 30 somethings. I don't think that him telling me all about his past lovers is going to do any GOOD for the relationship.