I think my BF cheated...not sure?

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

Hopefully I'll get some good feedback from you guys! Here's the story: I've been with my BF for 8 months. Of course in the beginning is was all sunshine & roses, like many relationships are. I should mention that, as a 35 year old woman I have only been with 5 men in my entire life...including a marriage of 9 years which ended in divorce because of his excessive cheating. Come to think of it they all cheated on me...hmmm??

Anyway, I've always thought of myself as a good person...affectionate, loving, understanding, very forgiving, supportive, probably the best friend you could have! I don't have alot of girl friends because I just don't get into the drama like alot of women do. So, my BF is my best friend! We used to talk about everything, were ALWAYS together, had great sex, just very into each other. I haven't changed...I'm still crazy about him, physically attracted to him, love being with him, but he has changed. I understand that as a relationship goes on, the excitement dies down a bit. If I try to have an in depth conversation with him he thinks I'm "digging" for info, he claims to always be tired from work (he works 8 hours a day) so we may go 3 or 4 days without seeing each other, there has been no sex for 5 months (he says he doesn't know what's wrong and it's just something he's going thru).

A couple of weeks ago, I found out he had been texting and emailing (on facebook) with the girl he was with before me (they were together 2 months and the relationship was all physical, no emotions). I also found out that he went to her house to install a CD player in her car (he said he went to his buddy's house to help HIM install a stereo). I saw some of the texts they had sent and the things that were said were VERY flirtatious and inappropriate! I was devastated

I confronted him about it and he yelled at me for looking in his phone...said I had no reason to be upset, said he ALWAYS stays friends with his ex's (his roommate is actually an ex girlfriend, but I'm cool with her). I just had that bad gut feeling that you get when you just KNOW something is wrong. Anyway, a few days after the blow up, he apologized for lying to me, swore they didn't have sex and said he'd cut off communication with her. But since then, he always deletes his text messages before he sees me...hmmm, wonder why??

Anyway, I'm having a hard time believing that this thing with her was just a "friendship"...I still have that gut feeling that it was much more than that. I'd love to get some opinions and maybe some advice on what to do??

Thanks in advance!

[sehvral]

Well, I'd say both parties are a bit wrong here.

I agree with him being pissed about you looking at his texts. That's really not kosher.

He's certainly being deceptive, but the only real indicator of cheating is the lack of sex. I'm not a big fan of being friends with exes, but that doesn't necessarily imply anything. The sex thing, though. That's fishy.

[vashti]

He hasn't had sex with you in five months (out of an 8 month long relationship), and you actually care enough about him to continue pursuing this? Honestly, I am shocked.

Also - it's a very bad idea to make some short-term-relationship-guy your best friend, and I can't say I think it is at ALL healthy that you can't connect to women in any way. Not all of us are drama queens. Perhaps if you developed some healthy female relationships, you wouldn't have to wait to be cheated on before noticing that things are screwed up in your romantic life.

[dewilliams2]

On one hand he lied to you which doesn't mean he cheated but you don't lie unless you think your doing something wrong to begin with.

On the other hand you pointed out that you have always been cheated on. Not to be mean but either you pick really bad guys or there is something that you are not giving them....some aspect they feel is lacking with you....or like I said they are really awful guys.

At some point you have to trust a guy not to cheat on you...and don't go through is phone...snooping to me is just as bad as telling a lie. Because it says "I don't trust you and I think you are a liar"...and I don't wanta be called a liar.

I can't say that he is cheating. He may not be. Did he give you the name of the friend he was installing the cd player for or did he just say he was going it for a friend? Cause if thats all he said then it was the truth.

If I were to judge though I would say he has at least thought about cheating if he hasn't done it. Its up to you whether you can believe him or not.

[Brown_Eyed_Girl]

Thanks for the responses...but I guess I need to clear a few things up...

1. BEFORE looking in his phone, I asked him if he was talking to her...and I KNEW he lied!
2. Maybe I DO pick bad men?? Or maybe I'm just too friggin nice to them!!
3. I said I don't have ALOT of girl friends...I didn't say I don't have ANY.
4. I'm trying to make things work because I LOVE HIM!
5. He said he went to his friend "Joe's" to put in the stereo.
6. I KNOW I was wrong looking in his phone...I knew he was lying and I needed to know the truth.

[Gigabitch]

Your instincts tell you something's going on. Something's probably going on.

Anyway, I agree with Vashti. You're wasting your time with this guy anyway.

[sehvral]

1. BEFORE looking in his phone, I asked him if he was talking to her...and I KNEW he lied!

Still doesn't justify the action.

2. Maybe I DO pick bad men?? Or maybe I'm just too friggin nice to them!!

If that's the case, the question you really need to be asking is why you always pick bad men. Alternately, perhaps some commonality is lacking in all these relationships that is causing them to cheat.

My question is this: why aren't you willing to walk away? I'm betting you stayed way too long with every one of the cheaters because you loved them. He shows no interest in sex, lies freely to you, and you no longer trust him. Sticking around is just prolonging the inevitable.

[xxazurexx]

I always say go with your gut feeling. If something doesn't seem right, it usually aint.
I've never been proven wrong anyway and when I've had these gut feelings.

I wouldn't trust him.

[lahnnabell]

I usually find that my gut is right, especially if it's an incessant nagging. I'm pretty good at calming myself down enough to look at things rationally, and if something doesn't feel right after that then something must be amiss. I've never snooped through my boyfriend's e-mail or phone. If I have concerns, I know that I can talk to him on an even keel. So long as I don't go crazy (start ranting, yelling, blaming, become pouty and childish), I know that he'll hear me out and be more than ready to ease my worries.

So, did you talk to him about WHY he lied in the first place? It more than likely could have been his fear that you would become jealous and insecure before even bothering to hear him out. Do you have a habit of getting this way?

Also, does your guy have "Shining Knight" syndrome? I love my boyfriend to death, but he sometimes has the need to come to the rescue of people (namely female friends) that don't particularly need it. Installing a car stereo is not a crisis situation by any means either. My boyfriend has gotten late night calls from female friends needing help with situations, some of them legit, some of them not so pressing. We had an issue with one of his former flings calling him up looking for emotional support. At first, I let it go, but when she began to call more frequently late at night while he and I were trying to relax together, I began to put my foot down. One time he even took the call in another room and unexpectedly shut the door. That was it for me. I had never asked to know the nature of their conversations before, but being shut out made me feel insecure. Originally, I was willing to see past the uncomfortable twinges I felt because I was glad that I was dating a caring individual. I told him that I felt it was inappropriate, especially considering this girl had strong feelings for him once upon a time. He told me I had nothing to worry about, but nevertheless he proactively let me listen to their conversations on speakerphone a couple of times so that I could understand what was going on.

If your guy is clearly unwilling to be this open about his friendships with other women, then I say he knows that something about it is inappropriate and is trying to keep you at arm's length. And no sex for 5 months? Has he ever talked to you about what it is he's going through that is inspiring this supposed lack of sex drive? That's not the type of issue you shouldn't question because it affects the health of the relationship overall.

[1337lizard]

I'm sorry but the way you described yourself sounds deceptively one sided. No one is as you described yourself 100% of the time and if you were really that way, I'm sure you wouldn't have gone through his phone. So I'll put it to you this way. You're clingy. I'm not saying this to be a douche although I understand that it definitely is going to come across that way, but it needs to be said. You have no female friends and you consider your boyfriend to be your best friend which means that even if you don't see each other for 3 or 4 days you're still in constant contact with him. If not then what the heck are you doing for 4 days alone? I agree with Vashti that secluding yourself from feminine companionship is a bad thing. You should consider that your lifestyle is unhealthy right now based on your personal dating record.

As for your current guy: of course he's been cheating on you. Look at the facts lady! He lied about where he was to go visit an ex that he flirts with consistently and now deletes all the texts out of his phone so that you can't see that he still does it! Oh and he doesn't have sex with you anymore which is an indication that he could be getting some elsewhere...like from his ex. Now this statement is being made under the assumption that you didn't butter the facts like you obviously did when describing yourself. If any of these facts are incorrect, such as the texts he sent were subjective (i.e. others didn't find them flirty but you did because you were being paranoid, and yes you were being paranoid otherwise you wouldn't have gone through his phone). What I want to know is what made you decide to snoop through his texts in the first place. There has to be a reason for the initial distrust, so what was it? The lack of sex?

[weibin]

I wonder if you can keep a platonic relationship with your boyfriend. I think you need to communicate with your boyfriend for his reasons of estranging you. Maybe he's just afraid of you. So ask him the reason and try to meet his needs.

For the privacy of your boyfriend, maybe you should ask him for his permission. That may help him understand that you respect him and cherish the relationship with him.

[davidtorres]

he cheated. move on!

[lilly1185]

It sounds a little like you're insecure and you tend to smother?

I don't have a lot of girlfriends myself per se , but I do have a few really good ones.
You may need to extend your social circle so you aren't spending EVERY WAKING MOMENT with a new boyfriend. That tends to be a serious relationship killer.

On to the relationship; He may just be really depressed, or weird, or he may be cheating. Deleted txts always sets off flares, but if you already distrust him walk away. Even if he isn't you'll always have that resentment of being lied to.
You guys haven't been together and married for 20 years.
BUT, before getting involved in another relationship, seriously. Therapy.
If you've got a history of guys cheating on you, it may be some kind of signal you put out, and you're attracted to people who are distrustful. Learn to recongise signs BEFORE you get involved, and maybe why you're drawn to that type of personality.

Also; it is possible to have a platonic relationship with exes. Granted most these relationships were from highschool, but I've forged some great friendships from exes as their insight is always appreciated, and different from my own.

[dono01]

Ditch the dude, and find one that won't cheat on you.

[Gribble]

Honestly, I think cheaters are the norm rather than the exception. If you suspect infidelity you're almost certainly correct.