Talking About Exes

[Gigabitch]

I gather that, but since I'm not included in this particular version of "most people," and neither is anyone I've ever seriously dated, my question is why.

Then I guess we're going to have to go with the classic "If you don't already understand, I don't think I can explain it to you."

[Petit Papillon]

Somehow, once I talked about this with my bf. I don't know how it happened that we started to talk about exes but we did. I didn't have much to say, since he knows my ex personally and knows the whole story,because i told him or was talking to him while my ex was treating me like crap. And he told me about his,exes... Not in details of course hehe. I have to admit it was akward a bit, after over a year we talked about such stuff and I felt like I was on a second or third date with him But I survived and I'm fine now.
It is important to know a bit more about your partner,but not everything. It also depends on a person. If one can handle such info,shouldn't ask. And if one can get it on their chest and swallow the truth then go on

[SirWagginston]

My exes were virgins before me, so I never had much to ask. I must admit, though, that I would be curious. I don't go out of my way to mention my sexual past, but if asked about it, I answer honestly. It's not awkward for me. My second ex asked me things about my first, including things like who was better at certain sex acts. I would tell the truth, and after doing so each time, would say something like, "but I like you a lot more than I liked her. Even if there were a couple things that she was better at, you're way better overall." Which was the truth. Then sometimes she'd ask why I liked her so much, and I would tell her all those little things. We got the secrets out without anybody having to get hurt, and I think that's good. I think two people in a relationship should strive to understand each other as well as possible.

[lahnnabell]

Peter, pump the breaks, dude. Please don't think that this thread is going to change lives. A lot of people are really sensitive about issues like this, and a great deal of people simply prefer not to know. And you're starting to make assumptions and assessments about people's relationships. I, however, agree with you. I prefer to know what experiences molded and shaped my boyfriend into the man he is today. I have no qualms about talking about his or my sexual past. For me, it's almost arousing at times. And if I weren't the best at pleasing him, I don't think I would be in his life

[Peter Pry]

Peter, pump the breaks, dude. Please don't think that this thread is going to change lives. A lot of people are really sensitive about issues like this, and a great deal of people simply prefer not to know. And you're starting to make assumptions and assessments about people's relationships.

I'm really not trying to change anyone's life; I'm just asking. And I don't think I'm making any sort of assessments about anyone else's relationships. What I have said is that blocking off this area from conversation would definitely not work for me, and I'm curious about why people feel so strongly that they need to. The one judgement that I did make was that it's a bad idea to cover up insecurities by not talking about them. In any case, I apologize to anyone who might have taken anything I said too much to heart. I'm just being curious, and I thank everyone for their input... I am learning a lot from it.

[IndiReloaded]

Peter, I think there are those who believe that even the closest relationships should retain some boundaries. In fact, I think its unhealthy not to. So, its not the knowledge of past sexual partners, its the question of the fine details. You seem to find them titillating, many do not.

Its a bit like a partner providing the fine details of their morning dump. Its volume, its consistency, its slightly nutty flavour... that's all a bit TMI for most ppl. Personally, all I need to know is that the correct bodily functions are happening in a healthy way.

Of course, there are ppl who don't mind watching their partners take a dump. There are all kinds out there. But its not for everyone, or even most.

[Peter Pry]

Its a bit like a partner providing the fine details of their morning dump. Its volume, its consistency, its slightly nutty flavour... that's all a bit TMI for most ppl. Personally, all I need to know is that the correct bodily functions are happening in a healthy way.

OK, now that I can wrap my head around. Yeah, I definitely don't think of it that way.

[Mish]

But why not? Sounds like it could be a fun story. You're even imagining possible details of it. Why not go with the real ones? I'm a bit flabbergasted, actually, that you don't even know the name of the person who gave your husband his first blowjob. To me, that sounds like there must be a huge empty space between the two of you, even though I'm sure there isn't. That could never happen in my world.



I gather that, but since I'm not included in this particular version of "most people," and neither is anyone I've ever seriously dated, my question is why.

Okay, I'll take a stab at it.

From the point of view of someone who's been asked the question by a girl, I have to say that I personally find it very uncomfortable talking about the very personal experiences I shared with someone I have broken things off a long time ago. I don't want to remember the details of something personal I shared with someone I have already forgotten, it's not interesting, it's not exciting and it's not motivating for me.

To ME (maybe not for you) it is SURPRISING that someone else will find pleasure in remembering old personal moments with an ex (i.e. a person with whom there was a dramatic break up) and then sharing those moments with some one else and I personally would question the motivations and ethics of the person who partakes in that. To ME a number of questions and red flags will immediately pop out. Why is this person finding pleasure and excitement in revealing deeply personal moments she shared with someone she dramatically broken up with? Why does she still remember it in such vivid detail? Is that person completely over that particular ex? What motivation does this person have for sharing that with me? (there is a hint of an alternate motive)

I don't know of how much help this is to you, but hopefully it will leave you less flabbergasted.

[SirWagginston]

I like for my girlfriend to ask about my past relationships because it reminds me of what was wrong with them, and why I shouldn't mourn their losses. It lets me compare the past to the present, and realize how much better the present is. It signals to me on some level that the pain of those break-ups is over, and leaves me more thankful for the partner I currently have.

[Peter Pry]

To ME (maybe not for you) it is SURPRISING that someone else will find pleasure in remembering old personal moments with an ex (i.e. a person with whom there was a dramatic break up) and then sharing those moments with some one else and I personally would question the motivations and ethics of the person who partakes in that.

Exes need not be results of an acrimonious breakup. Most of my breakups have simply been the result of realizing that something wasn't working for us. I remain friends with the vast majority of my exes, and that makes the prospect of forgetting them a betrayal. It would be a betrayal of myself to forget as well, because all of those experiences made my life richer in some way. They were good times, even if we're not together any more. I understand wanting to forget the bad times, but then I might forget the lessons I learned from them too.

I find it surprising that you're ready to question the ethics of such a person. Unethical behavior is behavior that harms people. I can understand it if it is merely a question of preference, but you're making a very strong statement here. What palpable harm do you think is done in talking about it?

Why does she still remember it in such vivid detail? What motivation does this person have for sharing that with me? (there is a hint of an alternate motive)

I must admit to being shocked at your being shocked that people remember experiences. Even if I preferred someone to keep their memories to themselves, I certainly couldn't expect that they would have forgotten those things in their own mind. Your position seems to be that the only ethical course of action upon breaking up with someone is to purge your own memory. But my mind is all I have; I could never do that to myself. I find that prospect as distasteful as you apparently find my position.

When you write of ulterior motives, what ulterior motives would you suspect she had?

Diffren't strokes for different folks. I just didn't realize just how deep and wide the gulf was between most people and me and mine.

I don't know of how much help this is to you, but hopefully it will leave you less flabbergasted.

In some ways I feel as flabbergasted as ever, but I feel flabbergasted on a higher level and about more important things.

Thanks to you for helping me understand, and thanks to everyone who's responded.

[Gigabitch]

Just as an off-topic aside, I'd like to share that on my phone, if you try to type in "flabbergasted" in T9Word, you get "flaccesharted". It's my new favorite word.

[SirWagginston]

This is why I don't use T9, ever.

[Mish]

What palpable harm do you think is done in talking about it? When you write of ulterior motives, what ulterior motives would you suspect she had?

To make it easier to understand I will use one of my exs as an example (This is going back about 5 years)

This girl liked to talk about past experiences and she had no qualms with sharing that with others. This made me curious and I spent some time getting her feedback on her experience in the past. To summarize, what I understood from her was that the same motivations that led her to not keep private things from other relationships private led her to reveal too much information to people who should not have access to it. For instance when she was in a relationship with another guy she used to talk about their sex life to others, that attracted a wrong kind of attention which led her to develop a series of mini relationships with others and cheat on the same guy later on. This wasn't an accidental cheating, but rather cause and effect of her personality and ethical imbalance. Personally, I'd say this was quite harmful.

So what's the problem with people who enjoy sharing their most intimate moments from their relationships with others? For me, people acting this way reveal a personality type with questionable intent, which is volatile. It raises questions about their ability to keep private information private and at a greater level their compatibility to a monogamous relationship.

Diffren't strokes for different folks. I just didn't realize just how deep and wide the gulf was between most people and me and mine.

Exactly. Bear in mind that you are also coming from a different approach. I remember your views on polyamory. If you are incompatible with monogamy, your point of view may differ from the ones who are. That's because these relationship systems are very different and stand in contrast to each other. The same behaviours that will work for one may damage the other.

Thanks to you for helping me understand, and thanks to everyone who's responded.

No problem. As long as this is only about a greater understanding and not about who's view is superior, it's all beneficial in the end.

[Gigabitch]

So what's the problem with people who enjoy sharing their most intimate moments from their relationships with others? For me, people acting this way reveal a personality type with questionable intent, which is volatile. It raises questions about their ability to keep private information private and at a greater level their compatibility to a monogamous relationship.

Well, damn, Mish. What does that say about me? If this is true, I've been guilty of WAY too much TMI about my relationship in certain forums I could mention.

[thistimesacharm]

This is sort of a double edged sword here...I agree that discussing past relationships is important however I certainly don't want sexual details. I also don't make issue of past relationships...EVER. I mean, it's not like this person knew he would eventually meet and fall in love with me therefore he saved himself for the day I walked by...That's unrealistic. Life is a journey of trials, mistakes and lessons learned...good relationships and bad...In my situation it is difficult to not at some times bring up an ex...I have been married for much of my adult life. There is only so much to be discussed about who I was and what I did prior to marrying the first time (at 18, by the way...and I'm now 36.) It would be silly to never discuss HALF of my life because I want to follow some rule about not discussing exes...

My "run away" points begin with the question: "How many people have you slept with?" Ask me that question and you get an earful. Does it matter? It's a few, okay? Rude to the extreme.

General discussion about your past sex life is really not a big deal in my opinion...it can become a big deal if someone is generally a jealous person. I just have never been this way. At my age if I meet someone who has never been in a long term relationship that ended badly I would actually be concerned about their ability to commit or desire to settle down...but I don't want to hear about positions...I don't want to hear about locations...or emotions. That's just not up for discussion.