Trying to move on

[boosh87]

My GF has left me after 18 months. We'd been having a pretty rough patch lately and we were arguing a lot, but we had both agreed to work hard at it and try to make it work. She's moved around a lot and had a lot of problems over the last year and a half and I've sacrificed a lot to stick with her and help her through it because I love her very much. This includes actually letting her live for free in my family home for three months over the winter when she was pretty much at rock bottom.

About 2 months, after a couple more moves, she ended up moving back to a place she'd lived before in a shared house. Round about the same time, she changed and was much less open and warm to me. Not like she used to be. She had finally settled in a new place and had good friends in the other people who lived there. Things deteriorated and we pretty much lost the spark and fun that had made the relationship good. We decided to take a break from the relationship last week to see if it reignited the old spark we used to have and she promised we would get back together. Anyway, she called and said it was over last night. I feel very badly let down and betrayed. I'm struggling to accept she could treat me like this. The feelings of grief and sadness are very overwhelming, like nothing I've ever known. Just seeing if anyone had any advice about this? I've accepted its over but its so hard to move on. We had so many plans and I loved and miss her so much.

I feel like she used me all that time until she got her life sorted. I feel very sad and uncertain about the future and I don't know how to cope with these feelings. Never knew something could hurt this much.

Any help is hugely appreciated, I'm at a loss.

Thanks

[NewToLove]

Boosh although my situation is similar to yours, it's not as severe as yours, mine hurt so bad I went numb, i'm pretty sure you're hurting more than me. I advise you to cut your life from her, stop thinking about her, and use the time you use to spend with her on something else. Like a hobby, family, friends, work, school, or maybe going out to try something new. that's all i have been doing. Hope it helps. Good luck bro.. I understand you completely.. I don't know if i can love again.

[boosh87]

Yeah I guess I need to fill in the time I have now and keep busy, I know it'll be okay eventually. Feels really bad at the minute, thanks for the post man.

[cmacattack1]

Well I hope you learned a little bit about relationships from this. I think much more often than not, "breaks" are not a good thing. It was just a nicer way to break things off from you. Maybe you didn't see it as this, because you got your hopes up while she was trying to gradually break it off. But when things are going in the opposite direction, people are growing apart and then MORE distance is added? It's a death sentence buddy.

Maybe it is true that you need some time apart to figure things out, and just because this relationship is over doesn't mean you guys are done forever. Chasing after her, texting her, talking to her, writing her letters, and contacting her an absolute no no though. Any of this behavior is going to push her farther away because you are 1) providing her with a cushion to fall back on when she KNOWS you are going to be there, 2) proving her decision was the right thing to do because you NEED her in your life and she thinks she doesn't, 3) not respecting it is what she wants by trying to get what YOU want (which is her back). You haven't mentioned this so it's a good thing so far.

It's important to really talk about things when you notice they are going downhill. Letting them go downhill and doing nothing is not good. If she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to talk, but at least you tried. Reflect on the relationship where things went wrong. Things you could have done. Things you noticed from her that you aren't right about. Really going in depth and being honest to yourself about everything and then maybe having a neutral party (i.e. us) help point out some things about it, couldn't hurt.

Keep yourself really busy as well man. You are going to go batshit crazy if you are sitting around thinking about her. Do whatever it takes to get yourself out there doing stuff, seeing things, meeting new people, and you probably will have to literally peel yourself off that couch.

[lahnnabell]

I'm sorry she suddenly turned cold-hearted on you. My boyfriend and his parents let me stay with him last year when I was going through financial troubles, and I am forever grateful to them. He then left to study in Guadalajara for 4 months. I couldn't imagine abandoning him as your girl as done to you... Makes me wonder how long she was truly invested in the relationship, and how much of it was a ruse to help herself out of a tough situation That is sad. I'm sorry, dude.

[NewToLove]

Yes, I hope you learned a lot of things from that relationship. From mine, which was very similar to yours taught me that you can't give your whole heart to someone when you know you love the person, you have to love the person more everyday, which is by not giving everything you have and let the person work for the love you have to offer. I believe relationships need a lot of time to nurture and any neglect is bound to contribute to breakups. Relationships need to be serious, but not smothering. Relationships need to be fun, but not too casual either. There's a fine balance on everything, try to balance yourself out. I know the sadness has a big piece of your heart right now, try to equalize it with things that make you happy, enjoy family time, friend time, hobby time, and maybe something new you dont usually do is great.. try hiking? swimming? kayaking? volunteering? working more hours?( i dont recommend this unless you it doesn't add more stress to your life).. maybe just go to the bar and pick up chicks... and whatever helps ease the pain.. this includes masturbation (sorry if that's sickening) or hooking up with some chick. <--- dont recommend it unless you want some unwanted present.

[boosh87]

I've learnt a lot, I think I really took it for granted we were together until now and that's a bad sign really. Been out with friends the last couple of nights and its been good, just think it will take time before this is totally over. I've deleted her from social networks and from my phone, doing everything that I should. Sometimes just feels impossible to get by without her, but I know I'll get there in the end. Thanks everyone.

[boosh87]

Well its been a couple of weeks without her now and I guess all the cliches are true! I'm doing much better. I still miss her now and then but only if I think about her and I seem to be finding my old self again. Its a strange feeling knowing she is completely out of my life after such a long time but it doesn't hurt like it did and there are loads of things about her that I am glad to see the back of. In the end you just have to live through it.

[cmacattack1]

You will hit those ups and downs. Do your best to push through the rough patches though. Good luck with everything and keep us posted with your improvement. It brings hope to those that don't have it.

[boosh87]

If anyone is reading this (maybe cos they want to see how others get by) and wants an update, here goes:

I decided to use this as a reason to change my life. As much as I loved her we were comfortable together and in a rut - I would finish work and go to her place to have sex and basically waste time. Since we broke up I found motivation and have got a new job with much better pay, I go out drinking with my friends again (which I realise now how much I missed) and I'm learning to drive. I really feel like life is getting better. One thing I would advise anybody else to do is to say from your heart that you hope your ex does well in life - it takes away all your own misery and anger and makes you feel liberated. Lets you focus on yourself.

[OCEANNE]

That's a really positive growth on you. I hope I will find my own peace in time like you did. It's not easy losing someone whom you have give almost your everything to....

[boosh87]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally over her. Sometimes (especially at night) I think about her out at a club going home with some random guy (when only a few months ago we were holding each other in bed talking about our day, planning our next holiday etc) and it makes me feel like my stomach is burning and my head's gonna explode. Really horrible feelings. But just by focusing on my own life and my own goals I'm slowly putting her in the past, putting it down to experience and getting on with life without her. I keep telling myself she isn't my concern any more and eventually it works and I believe it. We were in love and now we aren't. Sad, but kind of a relief when you finally accept it.

[reapish]

im in the process of trying to get over my ex..she's been keeping me dangling by saying she needs time but i know shes using this time to get over me. i love her very much and i'm in the process of trying to do things to keep my mind off of it but..its really not working. and its driving me insane. she's all i think about. and if i were to see her with someone else would devastate me. i wish i was as strong as you are..but the way things are goin right now. its hard to be

[Teddy057]

Hey man, going through the same heart break as you. I recommend NO CONTACT, deleting her from facebook (This includes all pictures of you two, all her friends that you knew through her, and even her off your friends) You must not be reminded of her, it just stunts the healing process. I have gotten very involved in my community, I volunteered at the local humane society, and I'm doing some relay for life's (a cancer fundraiser). Also, I have been working my ass off at the gym, but, I was in love with lifting weights and exercise before my relationship ended. Just do stuff that you have always loved to do, realize you don't need her to be happy, and stay strong. Just know, Experience is indeed the most brutal of teachers. But, how you deal with pain and anguish is what truly defines who you are. Remember, the only thing stopping you from being happy is you.

[Cloud206]

I am really sorry to hear this of you,been there myself.Try like the ppl said to use the newly free time wisely.I know you can do it .Good luck.