She wants me to "believe in her"

[Goosio]

Had a minor blowout with the gf on the phone this morning and can use some input. I think just getting it off my chest will help:

I've been seeing my girlfriend for almost a year, and she's been unemployed the entire time. I've seen her do very little to find herself a job. She wants to be a writer, and she devotes her time to updating her blog and writing book reviews that pay almost nothing, but spends very little time trying to actually find a writing job.

Friday night, I had dinner with her after a grueling week of work. I was really down about it, but she was in a tizzy of her own. She emailed her friends asking them to help her decide what kind of writing she should do (she doesn't know) and was upset that they responded with emails trying to suss out what she wants to do. She interpreted this as no support at all. I pointed out that they WERE trying to support her but it wasnt exactly the kind of decision they could make for her. She seemed to want more specific advice, which I gave her. That seemed to make her feel a little better but she said "For the rest of this weekend, I want this to be about me. I don't want to hear about how lousy your job is. I just want your support." Okay, fine. I can do that.

Saturday went okay, but Sunday morning was a disaster. She was running around like every little thing is a crisis, ignoring me except when she snapped at me. Finally I couldnt take it anymore and I told her I was going home to get a workout. She complained that I hadn't followed through on something I said about us going to the gym together (she had expressed next to no interest in it since we discussed it months ago.) Finally I told her she's acting like everything's a crisis, I don't know what I could do to help and I thought it would be better for both of us if I left for the day.

So this morning we cleared the air on the phone. I told her that her blog is not a substitute for a job search. She insisted she doesnt view it that way and said there are lots of things she's doing to find a job that I don't know about. (I have my doubts. She tells me every little thing and probably wouldve told me about jobs she'd applied to, especially since she knows I want her to apply. When I asked her about specific opportunities we've discussed, she admitted she hadn't followed up on them.)

When I told her I support her in her job hunt as well as her blog and other endeavors, she got upset. She said she feels that I dont support her, because I haven't told her she's a good writer and that I think she's going to make it. (I have in fact said both of these things, but perhaps not as often as she'd like.) She said she expected more support from me than she does from her friends, which is fair, although I don't know what else I can do. When I try to help her with her job hunt or offer other suggestions for things I think will make her happy, she responds with a boatload of excuses for why she shouldn't do them. She also said I treat her like a child as if she doesn't know how to conduct her job search. (She may indeed know, but she doesn't appear to be acting on it.)

She says she needs me to "believe in her" (again, I can only guess at what that means exactly) and she was upset that after she told me Friday night what she needed, I abandoned her Sunday morning. (True. I felt powerless to help and she appeared not to appreciate my presence, and yes, she was pissing me off so I did what I felt I had to do to salvage the rest of my weekend and gather some strength before I had to return to my shitty job on Monday.)

Sometimes women need sympathy, not solutions. I get that. Maybe I should have ridden it out. But I don't want to enable her self-pity either.

I want to help, and if I've done anything wrong, I want to make it right. But I think the larger issue here is she appears to lack a key piece of her self-esteem she is looking to me to restore. I can't, and neither can anyone else. I have told her that I can't do her job hunt for her, or bring her success. She needs to do those things for herself. But she's still looking to me for reassurance and support, which I try to give her even as she pisses away her abundant time on endeavors that do little to advance her toward her goal. It's frustrating and unattractive.

I'm scared because I think this could end us as a couple. I want this to work but I am starting to wonder if it's impossible.

I'm 37, btw, and she's 39 - too old to be wondering about what she wants to be when she grows up.

[lahnnabell]

She's 39 and she's acting this way? I thought you were going to tell me you were guys were in your 20s. Holy crap.

It seems like you've dealt with all this on a very even keel. You are right, you aren't responsible for her self-esteem issues. In the end, nothing you say will "fix" her. In fact, she'll probably only become more dependent on you for "support" as she calls it, which right now really seems like she wants coddling.

How long has she been pursuing this dream career of being a writer? Very few actually make it to the big leagues. I would know; I have a BA in English and I have a long employment history with Barnes & Noble. You'll hear about a new novelist's stunning debut, and suddenly they're gone again. She has to find out what she truly loves to write. What does she blog about? Does she have a theme to her writing, or is she just rambling nonsensical musings in the hopes of becoming the next Kerouac?

Writing is an art form, and artists tend to be very high strung, dramatic people. I don't have the drive to pursue my writing in such a fashion, which is why I've tempered it by finding happiness in other areas of my life. We all hear stories of the tortured artist, wasting away in their empty apartment, starving for some inspiration... In a way, it's true. You are spending your life trying to create. Most people never figure out how to do this for themselves and forever feel as though they are performing. They give up pieces of themselves for this dream, and many go crazy. People thought da Vinci was crazy, and he probably was a little. Van Gogh cut off his own ear out of depression and died trying to commit suicide. Stephen King was hopped up on whatever he could find during the height of his career.

Does this mean she can't change? Of course she can change, but she has to see herself for who she really is. You can't be expected to fix her. That's what she wants. Someone to take the pressure off of her when in reality it is her responsibility. She may not realize this until you give her some space and create a new perspective. You are perfectly within your right to be in the know about her job situation as it will most likely affect your future together. Have you offered to help her with a resume or cover letter? Maybe she needs help structuring her time better. Artists can be very disorganized people, and her tizzies may be directly related to her feeling disorganized and scattered.

[bah]

"I told her that her blog is not a substitute for a job search. She insisted she doesnt view it that way and said there are lots of things she's doing to find a job that I don't know about."

"When I told her I support her in her job hunt as well as her blog and other endeavors, she got upset. She said she feels that I dont support her"

Ouch. That was very contradictory. I have been in her shoes. Not with writing but with not getting support from my family & friends who thought I was wasting my time. They weren't mean about it, of course, but they weren't very supportive and did not understand what I was trying to do. Ten years later, I am thriving in my career and I support myself as a single mother.

No matter what you feel about her chasing her dreams, you have to let her live it out. Don't tell her about how you feel about it (it makes things worse for the both of you) and just encourage her, no matter what you feel. She will thrive or fall on her own. But trying to argue with her in those manners will only create a further wedge between you.

Chasing a dream can be a slow, frustrating process which may explain her behavior. Just encourage her and put your doubts aside (or rather, keep them to yourself). Doing so is powerful, encouraging and it will greatly help her on her path.

To help you look at it another way: you don't have to believe in the things she does to accomplish her dreams nor do you have to believe they will pay off for her (the small stuff can actually lead to much bigger stuff that DOES pay off big time). But essentially she is asking you to trust that she can figure it out on her own. Everyone has to start somewhere.

Do you and your girlfriend live together?

[Goosio]

You are right, you aren't responsible for her self-esteem issues. In the end, nothing you say will "fix" her. In fact, she'll probably only become more dependent on you for "support" as she calls it, which right now really seems like she wants coddling.

Thanks. Yeah this is what I'm afraid of. I think I've coddled her plenty, and I think it's enabled her continuing inertia. I want to help but I am leery of giving her more coddling when what she needs is strength. There's only so much I can do to help that.

How long has she been pursuing this dream career of being a writer? Very few actually make it to the big leagues. I would know; I have a BA in English and I have a long employment history with Barnes & Noble. You'll hear about a new novelist's stunning debut, and suddenly they're gone again. She has to find out what she truly loves to write. What does she blog about? Does she have a theme to her writing, or is she just rambling nonsensical musings in the hopes of becoming the next Kerouac?

Well that's just it. I think her definition of writer is somewhat amorphous. Her main outlet is her blog, which is sometimes clever and funny, but it's also the kind of personal diary that's a dime a dozen on the web. She seems to want to use it as a tool to get a job, and I have made some suggestions (targeting it toward a specific topic, for ex.) but she appears reluctant to dilute her own personal "brand", which I have to say doesn't appear to count for much right this minute.
This is why she's trying to figure out what she wants to write. I know what she has written, but she appears uninterested in pursuing those topics into a real job. She knows way more about what she doesn't want to write than about what she wants to write.
I know how hard it is to be a writer of any kind and how lousy the job market is because I've actually found a writing job (journalist.) But then the job makes me miserable so I guess be careful what you wish for.

Does this mean she can't change? Of course she can change, but she has to see herself for who she really is. You can't be expected to fix her. That's what she wants. Someone to take the pressure off of her when in reality it is her responsibility.

Correct. This is why I'm scared. If she views me as the answer to her insecurities, I'm afraid we have no future together. I want one.

Have you offered to help her with a resume or cover letter? Maybe she needs help structuring her time better. Artists can be very disorganized people, and her tizzies may be directly related to her feeling disorganized and scattered.

I have helped her with her cover letters, and sent her plenty of job ads which she typically dismisses saying she doesn't want them or she'll never get the job. (How does she know? Every single job I've ever gotten, I was certain I wouldn't get.) I do think she has trouble organizing her time, because she's home all day every day and still can't seem to find the time to apply to jobs, wash her own dishes or sometimes even update her oh-so-important blog. I really don't know what I can do to help. I offer help and suggestions, but she resists. She needs to get her shit together.

[vashti]

She sounds like an air-headed 20 year old. What IS it with you guys putting up with such wishy-washy, pie-in-the-sky women, anyway? I don't know if I should laugh at you, or hold you in awe for your patience.

Are you financially supporting her? PLEASE say no.

[lahnnabell]

Yeah, she sounds like a bit of a basket case. She probably doesn't understand that her dallying around is hurting your chances at a future together, and even if you explained it to her, she's probably not in a place to hear it.

You can't force her to sit and write and you can't force her to apply for jobs. Defeatist attitudes are very frustrating to deal with. You spend too much time trying to pick up the other person all the time that you begin to neglect your own needs, and that's not fair to you.

I'd be very interested to see how she spends her time throughout the day. Sounds like she's got a bit of a broken spirit, but sadly that isn't your responsibility to fix. She's a big girl and must learn how to cope. Most of the time we only learn these lessons after we've been dropped on our faces. Sometimes a couple of times too. You're only preventing her from drowning, but not helping her learn how to swim. She's got to want it.

I think it's time to have a calm, rational conversation with her about this. From what I understand, she will probably feel attacked and resort to hysterics and defending herself. If she does this, calmly tell her that you love her and care for her, but that you won't go down this road with her. Offer to talk again when she's composed herself and then leave it alone. You won't get anywhere if she's trying to be dramatic. That is only an attempt to play upon your sensitivity toward her situation. Don't let her do this. She needs to understand that you won't tolerate her shirking responsibility anymore. Whatever you do, stay calm. Speak slowly and clearly. Stay composed. This will offset her need for the dramatic. If you lose control of the situation, you won't get anywhere.

Think of it like this... When I work with horses, I need to remain calm and in control. The horse needs to know that I know what I'm doing. If I give him the slightest idea that I am unsure of my movement or my actions, the horse will not trust me and not cooperate. You know all that time people spend talking to horses in low tones and stroking them. It's not just an affectionate approach. Horses are very tactile creatures and they use touch as a way to communicate with one another. The same can be true of humans. She needs someone to be in control because she is clearly not. Lead by example. Treat her how you would like to be treated.

[Goosio]

Ouch. That was very contradictory. I have been in her shoes. Not with writing but with not getting support from my family & friends who thought I was wasting my time. They weren't mean about it, of course, but they weren't very supportive and did not understand what I was trying to do. Ten years later, I am thriving in my career and I support myself as a single mother.

Good for you, and thanks for contributing a female perspective. I do support her being a writer, but I don't understand the way she's going about it. She insists that she doesn't view her blog as a career path, but I see precious little else for her to pin her career hopes on at the moment. That would change if she sent out some resumes.

Chasing a dream can be a slow, frustrating process which may explain her behavior. Just encourage her and put your doubts aside (or rather, keep them to yourself). Doing so is powerful, encouraging and it will greatly help her on her path.

You're right, and I've tried. Maybe I shouldn't have brought up the blog in this morning's convo. I'd feel better about it though if I believe she knew what her dream was. Like I said, even on her writing she has little direction. So little in fact that she's asking her friends (and me) to choose for her.

Do you and your girlfriend live together?

No. I think I'd like to, but I'd need to know I can count on her, and part of that is her finding a job.

[bah]

Like I said, even on her writing she has little direction. So little in fact that she's asking her friends (and me) to choose for her.

There is a way to push people in the right direction when they ask impossible questions like this. Basically, your response should be something that triggers her to think about solutions. I know you couldn't possibly just give her the answers. But really, there is something you can do.

For example:

"Do you think I should become a horror writer like Stephen King or a fashion columnist for Cosmo?"
"Well, do you enjoy scaring the pants off people more or making them feel good about themselves?"

You are not providing her the answer but you are opening her up to think about these things a bit more and encouraging her to find her own answers.

Who does she live with? The reason I ask because I am wondering if she is in a situation that would even allow her to give it all up for her dreams. I had to hold down a second (or rather a "real job") to support myself up until about 4 years ago...

[lahnnabell]

Who does she live with? The reason I ask because I am wondering if she is in a situation that would even allow her to give it all up for her dreams. I had to hold down a second (or rather a "real job") to support myself up until about 4 years ago...

See... that's where the lack of motivation comes in. She is clearly not motivated enough to even get a job to support her enough to where she can feel good about herself. She's 39 for cryin' out loud.

[Goosio]

There is a way to push people in the right direction when they ask impossible questions like this. Basically, your response should be something that triggers her to think about solutions. I know you couldn't possibly just give her the answers. But really, there is something you can do.

For example:

"Do you think I should become a horror writer like Stephen King or a fashion columnist for Cosmo?"
"Well, do you enjoy scaring the pants off people more or making them feel good about themselves?"

You are not providing her the answer but you are opening her up to think about these things a bit more and encouraging her to find her own answers.

That's what her friends tried to do, and she didn't like it. I insisted that they WERE supporting her, but she didn't see it that way. I actually hit on something specific that she might want to do (travel writing, also TV) but that only made her feel better for a little while. She hasn't acted on either idea as far as I know.

Who does she live with? The reason I ask because I am wondering if she is in a situation that would even allow her to give it all up for her dreams. I had to hold down a second (or rather a "real job") to support myself up until about 4 years ago...

She lives alone, and her unemployment benefits are going to run out any month now. She says she made a great investment that will buy her some time (bought some stock last fall and it's tripled in value since then)...I think that's fantastic, as it will pay her rent for the better part of a year. But it's still not a substitute for a job.

She has told me not to worry about her finances, and by and large I think I've succeeded. But at this point it's less about money than it is about can I count on her to take care of herself. If I can't count on her, then I can't commit to her.

[lahnnabell]

If I can't count on her, then I can't commit to her.

Agreed. If you're willing to see how the next few weeks/months go, then go for it. Let her run her life how she wants to. Her refusal to see your valid concerns are a red flag though. At 39, I would think she'd have a more realistic view of things.

[bah]

She lives alone, and her unemployment benefits are going to run out any month now. She says she made a great investment that will buy her some time (bought some stock last fall and it's tripled in value since then)...I think that's fantastic, as it will pay her rent for the better part of a year. But it's still not a substitute for a job.

She has told me not to worry about her finances, and by and large I think I've succeeded. But at this point it's less about money than it is about can I count on her to take care of herself. If I can't count on her, then I can't commit to her.

Hmm. I see. Well, if she isn't about to be homeless then why worry about it? Following dreams takes unconventional methods. If she can cover financial basics, then it doesn't matter.

You can go either way with it which can either lead to a break up or move you guys closer together.

It sounds to me like she's trying to just follow what she wants to do. A job would indeed distract away from that goal and make it harder. But if financials are taken care of and she isn't about to be on the streets then why push for something she doesn't want?

Does she have a bad habit of not holding down a job? How long has she had this "dream" of hers?

Also, are you trying to work things out with her or are you trying to change her?

[Goosio]

Hmm. I see. Well, if she isn't about to be homeless then why worry about it? Following dreams takes unconventional methods. If she can cover financial basics, then it doesn't matter.

You can go either way with it which can either lead to a break up or move you guys closer together.

It sounds to me like she's trying to just follow what she wants to do. A job would indeed distract away from that goal and make it harder. But if financials are taken care of and she isn't about to be on the streets then why push for something she doesn't want?

Does she have a bad habit of not holding down a job? How long has she had this "dream" of hers?

Also, are you trying to work things out with her or are you trying to change her?

Well you make a good point that I shouldn't worry about it as long as her bills are paid. OTOH, part of why she's feeling so badly about herself lately is she hasn't got a job, or really much direction at all. I would agree that a job would distract from her goal, if she knew what that goal was. It's not like she's writing a novel or something. She's sitting around beating herself up and writing book reviews for far less than minimum wage. I think a job could only help at this point.

She's taking care of herself financially for now, but that stock was a one-shot thing. So are her unemployment benefits. What's she going to come up with next? If she isn't working toward getting herself out of this mess, she's wasting her time and mine.

Does she have a habit of not holding down a job? I guess she does now, she's been out of work for over a year. Am I trying to work things out or change her? The former, I hope, although since her goals are so murky to me that I don't feel like I can say for sure. Maybe she doesn't want a job.

[bah]

Over a year with no job is a long time....
Is writing something you feel she has a real passion for? Also, as lahnnabell said, it is a career that is next to impossible to break into.
Maybe you should let her sweat a little before approaching her again about the job? Then tell her she needs to be more realistic accomplishing her writing dream.

[Goosio]

Over a year with no job is a long time....
Is writing something you feel she has a real passion for? Also, as lahnnabell said, it is a career that is next to impossible to break into.
Maybe you should let her sweat a little before approaching her again about the job? Then tell her she needs to be more realistic accomplishing her writing dream.

Well, we already had a similar conversation a few months ago (minus the 'you dont support me' part - that's new.) So I have been letting her "sweat a little." It doesn't seem to have done much good yet.

I think I did just tell her she needs to be more realistic, but she interprets that as me not supporting her. That makes me sad. And again, I can't stress enough that I don't think she knows what her dream is. She doesn't know what kind of writing she wants to do? After a year? Come on. She's not spending her days banging away at a keyboard, she's spending them reviewing lousy books and playing Nintendo.