My first relationship (long but please read)

[Soul3ater]

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for six months, from the end of October 2009 to the beginning of May 2010. We have been through so much together and she has told me so much about herself and the problems that she faces. I've been holding it in and not telling anyone for the whole six months. I need to tell someone, I need to get it out. I should make it clear that we are both freshman in college.

It all started about three weeks after we started dating, a week before thanksgiving, she told me she was pregnant with another man’s baby (we did not have sex yet). This other man had been in an accident and was in a coma on the day she told him she was pregnant. She was on the pill and he was using a condom, but he condom broke (he did not climax yet). She had been pregnant since July, but never told any of her parents (who are divorced) for fear that they might disown her. I told that I would take care of her and give her money for an abortion.

By the time early December rolls around we go to an abortion clinic and they say that she is eligible to get the abortion done for free. After some tests get done a social worker tells us she cannot get an abortion done because it is too late to do it in the state we were in. After a week or two of talking and fear of being disowned she finally resolved to tell her mother an step father. I went with her. When we told them they were shocked but they helped us. (Her mother btw is a crazy bitch that only cares about her body image, she once told her daughter that she should be tits on a stick and is always hassling her daughter about her weight, which is not bad she is only 130 lbs. Her mother is not a good mother.) We had to get a late term abortion.

This was possibly the hardest and worst experience of my life but I went through this because I love this girl and she loved me (I told her that I loved her around the same time as we told her mother about her pregnancy.) I lied to my parents because my girlfriend, her mother and I had to go stay at a hotel near the place where this abortion was getting done, about 2 and a half hours from her house. This was a painful three day process, my girlfriend was in so much pain. On the third day the cramps and pain was almost unbearable. They basically gave her medicine to induce labor at about 27 weeks so they could abort the baby. We had to drive another hour in the car to the surgical center to get the operation. That car ride was hell. The girl I love was in pain and screaming and crying and I couldn't do a thing. Once we got to the surgical center and she went into surgery I couldn't take it anymore and I broke down and cried while holding and consoling her mother. When she came out of surgery I was so relieved. This all happened within 2 months of us dating.

Even before this happened she was a depressed girl. She had been raped the first time she had sex by her sisters friend while she was drunk but she never told anyone and her parent (divorced) always were arguing with each other and put their daughter in the middle of their arguments, which was not fair to her. She told me a few times that she would have killed herself if I hadn't showed up in her life. And she told me she used to cut and she had failed an attempt at suicide. She is diabetic and she tried to kill herself by not giving herself insulin. Even after all this I still loved her more than anything and she loved me. I gave this girl my virginity, right after thanksgiving while she was pregnant we had sex and I lost my virginity to this girl, my first girlfriend. I never thought my first time would be with a pregnant girl.

We now fast forward to the end of April 2010. Everything was going well between us and we loved each other more than we ever have. One night she had become disappointed about something and at 1 in the morning I kiss her goodnight and go back to my dorm room. The next day she told me that that night she went to play strip poker with some of her friends (all male) and I didn't like this. I was sad and felt betrayed, I think our bodies should just be for us to enjoy, not for anyone else. What made it worse was that one off her friends had invited her too stay the night in his room but she refused because she had a boyfriend. I was hurt by this situation. She felt bad but she told me she was just having fun with her friends and that it was her body she could do what she wants as long as she wasn't cheating.

I could not get over this and she proposed that we take a two week break where we both meet other people. I did not like this but I went along with this because I wanted it to go back to the way it was. I met a girl and all we did was kiss. I can't have sex with people without having some emotional attachment to them. Meaningless sex is not my thing. However my girlfriend does not believe the same thing. After only one week she had already had a threesome. We are one week into this break and she tells me something that I did not really expect. She told me that she is rarely satisfied during sex, not just with me but with most men. She could go on for hours tiring most men out and have an orgasm but she still wasn't satisfied. She told me she likes sex rough to the point where she could barely breathe, she likes being totally dominated. This is something I could never do for her because I'm not like that I cant do that to her.

She thinks she has a problem she has been to therapists for her problems and they could never help her. she has had sex with at least 15 men, she thinks she is a slut had has no self respect. After telling me all of this my perception of her never changed. I still see her as the girl I fell in love with. We mutually decided to break up because it probably wouldn't work out, she said that she can't just be with one person and I could never have sex with her in the way that she liked.

I think now, a few days after breaking up we are regretting it. She told me she has never loved someone as much as she has loved me. Her longest relationship before has only been 3 months, while we lasted 6 months. We both want to be with each other but we can't because of her problem. I just want her to be happy even if it isn't with me. But she insists that she cant be happy and that I should find my own happiness. I don't blame her for us breaking up I blame her parent for not doing everything they can for her, for putting her in the middle of their argument, for letting her depression spiral out of control. I also blame the boy who raped her, I think that he might have caused her sexual problems.

Right now we have decided to wait the summer out an see how we feel about each other when we come back to school in September. I want her back and I know she wants me back. I will encourage her to go see doctors over the summer. I'm sorry this was so long but I had to get this out. Thank you for reading. Can I get some feedback please?

[Kristan]

Let me tell you something. There are many, MANY fish in the sea that are WAY better than this girl. I think you're just experiencing puppy love and you really need to find someone worthwhile.

There are plenty of girls out there who haven't and never will sleep with over 15 men, who won't murder their babies, who have normal sex lives. Ones who will care about you and put you first, and not jerk you around. Obviously this girl has an issue with commitment, she doesn't know what she wants, she's too caught up in herself, and she's insecure. Honestly, find someone better! You deserve better.

I don't like to see decent men ending up with people like this. I can tell you genuinely care, and I think you should turn that caring toward someone who is much more deserving and who will reciprocate.

-Kristan

[Soul3ater]

Last night I did something stupid. She invited me to stay overnight at her room and we showered together and fooled around a bit. I feel so stupid for giving into my sexual urges when it's only gonna be harder on me later. I would never be able to live my life the way I wanted with her. I think I am gonna end it forever, not just a summer break. I am just being foolish.