help!? a little long... sorry...

[frenchie]

My boyfriend (or not boyfriend, I’m not quite sure…) is amazing. We met by complete accident and were pretty taken by each other. We both had bad relationships in the past and both know what we DON’T want in a relationship. He is French and quite an attractive guy, who gets a lot of attention from women. This didn’t bother me at first, he always made me feel so secure. Nothing has changed… The longer our relationship went on, the more I realised I had to lose and became scared. I’ve had a few blow ups in the last 6 months and it’s really damaged us as a couple. He’s said it hasn’t changed his feelings towards me, but it has changed how he sees us. That killed me…

In the 6 months we’ve been together, things have been pretty intense. We both said at one time or another that maybe we should take a step back and slow down. We never did…

He has only been here for 3 1/2 years and was planning to leave in May of this year to go travelling for a year and return to permanate residency here in Australia.
I knew this when we met and we talked about the possibility of me going over to meet him... Soon that turned into us going together.

Things happened beyond our control and we planned to leave in August instead. I've just sold all of my furniture and will be moving back in with the parentals this weekend, so to save more money for our trip...

Someone asked me yesterday if he was possibly scared....?? I never really thought about it to be honest. But looking back on our conversations, he was with his first gf for 5 years and they NEVER lived together... This could seem like a huge commitment on his part so early on and maybe he's getting scared...

I have no doubt of his feelings for me. Even after our fights he has said to me that if it was anyone else, he'd have hit the road already and wouldn't bother trying to fix things. But with me... He just can't walk away.


He was having issues where he was living and was living on and off with me for about 2 months. This was when the silly arguing started. It was always "something" every few days… We are both quite independent, but he is the more independent out of the two of us. He’s been single for 5 years and he’s so used to doing everything for himself and felt living with me was almost depending on me. We’d talked about making other arrangements but it never eventuated until just recently.

Now… This is where it stands…

We decided it would be best for both of us to take some time out. Still see each other and contact each other but not be living out of each others pockets… I was more than happy with this decision… Yet, the next night he came over and said that maybe he needs to realise what he’s got and suggested we actually take a break… That he cares so deeply for me but doesn’t want the kind of relationship we have. That taking some time apart will allow us to work out why things are happening the way they are. He says that he wants to miss me… He wants to try again and doesn’t want to lose me. Hearing all of this really did some damage. I feel lost. We have so much coming up over the next couple of weeks that we decided we would take this "break" in a couple of weeks.

I’ve taken the reins so to speak and have barely contacted him over the last week. I’ve let him come to me… He’s acting like everything is normal. Affection, kissing, staying with me and holding on tighter than ever when we sleep. Calling me "mon bebe"… (my baby)… This is harder than I ever thought it could be when I know damn well what’s looming around the corner. Why is he acting so normal? I’m completely lost and have no idea what to do… It’s affecting my job because I can barely concentrate on anything else.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated… Thank you!!!!

[frenchie]

Anybody?? I know it's long but any advice would be really great......

[frenchie]

ok. so no one really wants to give their opinion...

thanks for the help...

[cmacattack1]

Slow down there Sally. Do you think somebody on here has some magic answer that will instantly fix your situation?

Mind if I ask you how old the both of you are? I'm just guessing he's probably a little bit older than you. And you are young. Judging by the use of the word "parentals". It seems like something on a whim and it seems like you are running away into a fantasy. Just my opinion.

So you sold all of your furniture and you plan to go with him on his year long trip in August? The plotholes are kind of big here. I'm confused. If this is the case, you need a big dose of reality. This is a ridiculous move.

You also admitted to some blow ups about not being officially together? And you still don't know if you are now? For one, you probably shouldn't be acting like that. If he says he doesn't want to be official with you, but he still does all the things that couples do, guess what? You have your answer. You are a friend with benefits. You aren't a girlfriend. He probably doesn't want that when he knows he is going to be gone for a year. A time period much longer than he has known you. Even if he did come back in a year back to where you were, there is no promise the relationship would work out anyway.

It sounded like it was fun (at times) and you guys had hell of a run. But he doesn't want a relationship with you. You may think you are pulling some tactics with this "waiting for him to come to me to see how he feels" plan. But he is just cashing in on his friend with benefits for the relationship-y stuff without the relationship. And you are letting him. If this is not what you want, why are you settling for less?

Just some food for thought. Smooth like Nutella on bread, baby.

[frenchie]

I understand that contributing to these forums I'm going to subject myself to some 'honest' opinions... But are you for real??

First off, I'm 27. He is 28. I use the word 'parentals' out of habbit, not to mirror my age.

I never said once that we were not 'official'. I was referring to him asking for space, meaning that I was unsure if I could still, in fact, call him my boyfriend.

cmac - I've read previous posts of yours and believed you to be quite insightful and wise... What you've written is harsh and way off the mark. Either I was not clear or you just read what you wanted to read...

He asked me to go travelling with him. I didn't just decide to sell my furniture and move to save money on my own accord in hopes that I can just tag along!

Food for thought...??? Hardly.

[lahnnabell]

Okay, lady, don't get so defensive. A lot of us have to resort to playing detective on here because of the way people leave so many holes in their stories. Look around the forum and you'll see that cmac is one of the most reflective and sensitive guys on here.

As for you, take it from someone who knows. In 2006, I met a cool guy. Earlier that year I had gotten out of a 2-year relationship with an emotionally abusive guy. I rebounded with another guy, then met up with cool guy. Cool guy and I ended up hanging out a lot. We met at work via different departments, and hit it off. As I got to know him he told me he was leaving to travel in a few months. I thought that was cool, and told him of how I'd longed to do that for a while. He told me I should go with him. At first I said, "Yeaaaah, buddy, sure." Thought about it silently for two weeks. Finally, I asked him, "Where you serious?" He said, "Yes. I would buy you a plane ticket." And he did. BAM. Done. I spent the next 2 months planning my escape, and then I was gone. I had only known him for 2 months. Talk about reckless decision making?!

Anyway, we backpacked through parts of Europe for about 4 months before we split on an island in Greece. I never really imagined we were always going to be together, but I certainly wasn't prepared to handle the breakup while in such a vulnerable position. I had just quit the restaurant I worked at and moved out of my living space at the same time he blindsided me with the split. I spent the next 4 days getting drunk, crashing at friends' places, and hooked up with this super hot Aussie. I woke up out of my stupor on the 4th day and thought, "I gotta get the hell out of here!" So, I spent the next day planning my trip home to Boston, and then the next 5 days in transit from the island to Athens to London to Dublin and then home.

So, my point is, you NEVER know what kind of situation you'll find yourself in. I thought this guy had deeper feelings for me than he did. He even said, "I love you" first, which totally knocked me on my ass. Maybe he did feel love at the time, but as the weeks passed it faded, and I became less of a priority to him. I know him much better now than I ever did before. You need to take care of yourself right now 'cause I guarantee you that when push comes to shove, you're not going to be number one on his list. It's nice that he wants you to come along on this trip, but don't for a second thing that it means he owes you anything.

[frenchie]

Wow... lahnnabell, how did you manage to deal with that????

Even to drop the "I love you"... That hasn't happened for us yet. I don't need to hear it either. I know he loves me. Yes, that may sound completely deluded but he has already said to me that he has told 2 girls in his life that he is in love with them and they broke his heart... He wants us to be different. When I say he is unlike any guy I've ever meant, I mean it. And if that seems naive - then so be it. But I trust this guy more than I ever thought I could trust anybody.

Thank you for your advice. Trust me... I'm pretty apprehensive, scared and wondering if I'm a complete ****ing idiot doing what I'm doing. The way I see it, he's like a train and I'm just jumping on for the ride to see where it takes me.
I trust him and I know that even if things did turn sour, he wouldn't leave me in a foreign country alone. We've only known each other for 6 months but by the time we leave, it'll be closer to a year. That settles my nerves somewhat.

I guess what ever will be will be. I will always be cautious. But you've definitely given me something to think about... Thank you

[NewStart]

Yet, the next night he came over and said that maybe he needs to realise what he’s got and suggested we actually take a break… That he cares so deeply for me but doesn’t want the kind of relationship we have. That taking some time apart will allow us to work out why things are happening the way they are. He says that he wants to miss me…

I think if he's said this (see quote), you should really give him some space to miss you. Get out and do fun stuff with your friends, and pursue interests to keep you distracted and take your mind off him. As for how he's acting (extra affectionate) it proves that some space might be just what you need. I do feel your pain, though. Knowing that the end is looming near must be hell. Be sure you have a network of people who care about you who know your situation, so they can help you through this rough phase.

[cmacattack1]

What you've written is harsh and way off the mark. Either I was not clear or you just read what you wanted to read...

Fair enough. Just wondering how telling you that he needs some space, you doing that, and him coming back like everything is okay for all the relationship-y stuff is contributing to your future plans to go traveling with him. It doesn't add up, doesn't seem right, and doesn't make much logical sense. It's almost like he could sense you were getting more serious with him and that's when he told you he needs some time apart. But then you do, and he comes back like everything is okay. He likes the arrangement you had before. If you don't well, it's not going to work.

Lahnna's story really gives you a sobering reality to what can happen in these types of situations. To walk into such a situation with what you have as a foundation is wrought with potential complications. You are going to do what you want to and I hope everything works out the best for you, I really do. Just something to think about and really mull over.