I need some advice...

[flroidaguy]

Ok Im in need of some advice...

Just as all other normal couples, me and my girlfriend have come across some stumbling blocks along the way in our relationship. Sometimes silly...sometimes much more serious. Nonetheless the situation usually results in the same manner. I am an engineer and am born to fix things. I dont like to leave something alone until I have learned what went right/wrong and how things can be better next time. However my girlfriend often gets scared and just wants to remain quiet. She gives me the "Im fine" and says she will be better in the morning. I know when Im being BSed haha. I know that girl too well and when she is upset it makes me upset. She makes me happy and I want to make her happy. So when she is upset, no matter what the cause, it makes me upset. I love that girl more than anything and cant stand to see her upset.

Heres where the problem comes in. Often I try to console her and try to come up with a solution to whatever the problem may be, but instead of letting me help her she just says shes fine and that shes not upset and that everything will be ok. I dont understand why she doesnt want my help. I try my best to stay calm and be patient but I wind up getting upset myself because I just want to help her and maker her happy and all her troubles go away.

So here what I need...is there a different way I can try to help her that may be more affective? Or is it that I just need to give her the space and let be alone and sad all by herself even though it kills me inside? And if so, how can I better cope with that?Because I am sitting here all upset, not because I did anything wrong to her, but because someone else made her upset and she is still upset and doesnt want me to help her and make her feel better.

Sorry for being so longwinded and thanks for your comments

Regards,
floridaguy

[Enigmos]

Hey, fg...

Kind of curious what age range we're dealing with here? Also, the defacto difference between men and women, obviously taking idiosyncracies aside, so please feel free to provide more specifics, is that men want to find the solution and women want their feelings heard. How an engineer should process that statement is that the way to resolve the problem is to listen to what she is sharing emotionally, ask her how she feels, don't offer a solution right awa without taking into consideration her feelings. You may get more feedback than, "I'm fine," as that feedback is really, "I'll take care of this myself, because you're not helping."

Just my $0.02.

Good luck.

[flroidaguy]

I am 20 and my girlfriend is 25. I will be honest, we had some trouble a few months ago with my ex. She kept bother my girlfriend via email. I asked her how I could help her get rid of the situation. She said she would just delete them. That did not work. We consulted some friends and they suggested to keep the emails, since they were threatening, and take them to the police. I told her the plan. She was onboard. But she did not follow through. She wanted to but was getting upset over it. Finally I said, lets change your email address. She adamantly refused. Situations like this, where something goes worng, I ask her what is the best way for me to help, she says shes fine, things arent fine, I make a suggestion, she ignores it, she stays upset...keep happening.

This girl makes me happy but I am starting to feel like I am not good enough for her. No matter what I do it is wrong. Other than this we are perfect. We have so much fun and truly bring out the best in one another. I hate to label her this way, but she seems to be very stubborn. I guess I am just not sure what I should be doing different.

Thanks for your previous comment and any future help.

Regards,
FG

[bloodtippedrose]

This is sad that she is closing herself off to you so much.

Anything you get out of her that she says is wrong you need to keep a steady voice and repeat back to her what she said in your own words to prove you understand and she might open up more and more about it. if it turns into an argument try not to say "you" like YOU did this or YOU said this etc. It makes them feel like theyre being blamed and will start getting defensive.

If shes not telling you anything at all then you need to say straight up, Listen I love you and I want to make you feel better by helping resolve the issue, but I cant unless you are open with me, When youre ready to talk about it Im here but if you dont then I cant help you, and LEAVE it at that, let her come to you to talk. Also let her know how shes making you feel by doing this (remember no YOU)

Btw your suggestions about her ex were really good, cut off all possible ways of contact, she doesnt need to get rid of her email but she can block him! I wonder if she has unresolved feelings with this other guy and since she cant tell them to you she doesnt tell you anything.
Anyway I feel bad for you, a relationship without proper communication and compromise is like thanksgiving without turkey. What helped me to understand my bf was taking a beginner psychology class, WAY worth it but reading a book or doing some research online would probably really help too. you should read about defense mechanisms and how to counter them.