Trying to be a big girl... (A vent, but advice is nice too)

[lahnnabell]

I woke up upset this morning after having gone to bed feeling uneasy, but very sleepy thanks to work keeping me busy enough.

So, after 4 months abroad my boyfriend is finally home from Mexico. He's been back for almost 2 weeks now and we've seen each other very little. There are quite a few reasons for that. I feel like I'm looking for problems, and I realize now more than ever that I do this habitually. I'd like to stop it because it will only hurt me in the long run.

Before he returned we had numerous conversations about how much we missed one another and couldn't wait to see each other. However, he also explicitly discussed with me the fact that we would not be able to see each other nearly as much as we had before. Previously, I was in dire straits financially and stayed with him and his parents before he left for Mexico. This gave us ample time to be with one another and I know I was quite spoiled getting to cuddle up to him every night. Now I am living comfortably in a great house with good roommates and I have two jobs.

So, a couple of weeks before he returned home, we discussed how things were gonna go. There would be a lot less driving back and forth (we live 20-30 minutes away from each other), over night stays, and less going out. Things would be difficult at times, and I told him that I understood this. He said that he loves me and wants to move ahead regardless, and I agreed. I appreciated his taking the time to be honest and upfront with me.

Nevertheless, I still find myself over-analyzing everything. I feel disconnected, and I'm not sure if it's just me wishing we could be around each other more than is realistic right now, or if he's pulling away. He's been very preoccupied with applying for jobs, playing softball, watching the Red Sox, and getting his stuff taken care of. His parents have the expectation that he's going to start taking on more financial responsibility now that he's been out of school for a year and done with Mexico. I know that if I don't voice my concerns in a loving and understanding manner that it will only add more pressure.

I know I need to be understanding. I'm know he's concerned about money, and conserving gas (San Diego county is no help in this regard), and maintaining his priorities. If we are to have a strong future together at all, he needs to handle this stuff. He certainly doesn't want to be where I was last year. I haven't voiced any of this to him as of yet because I am trying to find some peace of mind and perspective first. It will do me no good to enter into such a conversation without having clear goals in mind. Simply whining to him that I want to see him more will do nothing but cause frustration.

/endrant

[Asip4u]

Well i think it is normal what you are feeling and i also agree with the last part where you don't want to whine and tell him that you want more time with him. He has enough pressure as you said so maybe just give it some more time. I use to over-analyze everything in the past and it really made things very difficult. Relax and enjoy the time you do get with him. If he's a nice guy and cares about you, for now at least, it should be enough.

[VincenzoG91]

You seem to have a very solid understanding of your situation, including the fact that there are certain intangible aspects that aren't clear right now. Like you, I tend to over-analyze things when I don't have enough information, taking the facts that I do have and relentlessly thinking them over. But sometimes that over-analysis can actually do some harm, causing you to put too much weight on minor things, a look here or a careless word there. Try to just take things as they come, at face-value for now, and see what happens. Know what you want and act accordingly, but accept the possibility that things may not work out that way.

Brief story I heard while studying eastern philosophy:

A Chinese farmer found a horse roaming around and brought it back to his farm. Nobody claimed it, so he kept the horse. His neighbors were all impressed with his good fortune. The farmer said, "Who is to say what is good and what is bad?"

His oldest son tried to tame the horse but was thrown to the ground and broke his leg. The neighbors felt sorry for the farmer, for his bad luck. The farmer said, "Who is to say what is good and what is bad?"

A week later, the army was in the area, rounding up healthy young men to be drafted into the army. The neighbors saw all their older sons drafted into the army, leaving them with more work to do themselves. They all envied the good luck of the farmer who found the horse, because his son would recover from his injury in time for the fall harvest. Again, the farmer said, "Who is to say what is good and what is bad?"

[Gigabitch]

When you do get to see other, is it quality time? You're not dragging one another along to run errands or something, are you? If you have less time, it should be time that you spend focusing 100% on each other.

[lahnnabell]

When you do get to see other, is it quality time? You're not dragging one another along to run errands or something, are you? If you have less time, it should be time that you spend focusing 100% on each other.

Good point, Giga. In fact, I was having car issues when he got back, and so the first two days we spent together involved chauffering me to and from the DMV. I would have rather spent time lazing in bed with him, but I had very serious issues to handle. He was right there with me, talking me through my money anxiety, standing in line with me at the DMV, kissing my forehead.

We've only gotten to spend one night/day of quality time together so far. He was very tired, but drove me to pick up food. I ate, then felt sleepy too. We cuddled up and went to bed early. We woke up and did some Mother's Day shopping, I bought us lunch, and then we watched the Sox game. I fell asleep sprawled out on the couch next to him. I had no idea I was so tired. Then I had to go and get ready for work. But for the time I was there, it was wonderful

Most of his close friends are graduating in about a month as well, and so he's concerned about them leaving soon. Most of them aren't from the SD area, and he wants to spend enough time with them before they go off to become adults. I plan on being around for the long haul, so I may have to take a bit of a back seat right now. He's got a lot on his plate.

[lahnnabell]

I talked to him today and was able to bring up the issue in a very roundabout manner. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he ever needs help with anything. I'm totally fine with fronting him gas money, paying when we do go out, or driving up to see him (though he hates asking me for ANY of that). I told him that I wished I could do more to help him. He said, "You're fine. I just need you to be patient with me. I've got a whole slew of new things to pay for now, and almost no income that will allow me to drive around to see you or my friends. Please, don't be upset. I know we went from 4 months of seeing each other every day, to nothing at all for 4 months, but now we've got to moderate our time. And I don't just mean every other day. Once I get a job, things will be easier."

I told him it's not an easy task to job search and it can be quite discouraging. I told him he's doing great, and that I love him. I know the best thing I can do for "us" and myself right now is to take care of myself. Work my ass off and handle my shit.

[xxazurexx]

^^That is the best thing to do Lahnna, just get on with your own thing and leave the rest to take it's course. Let him sort out what he needs too

I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and because in a situation such as this, most women would be panicking, start to become 'demanding' and 'clingy', etc....but you are wise enough not to go there and you possess 'understanding' of his situation. With that attitude, you won't go far wrong

[lahnnabell]

Thanks for the continuing support, guys. I figure I could also use to start volunteering or something. All of my friends have two jobs like I do, or they work a lot, so it's hard to find time when we can get together. I could use to start another activity that makes me feel good. I wanted to start volunteering at this therapeutic horse farm just north of me. I used to do it back home and it was some of the most rewarding work I've ever done. I have to look into that again.

He and I are gonna go to the beach next week if the weather continues to stay sunny and warm. San Diego has been oddly rainy this year. I'm gonna be all cute and put together lunch and stuff. Regardless, he wants to get out of the house somehow, and I'm more than happy to oblige. I wish he lived closer. I live a lot closer to central San Diego and he's up in North-ish county (where all the "zombies" live). Even still, my friends enjoy going out to bars and dinner. I'm becoming more and more concerned with saving my money for the things I truly want. The Sox are coming to Anaheim in July, so I'm gonna purchase killer seats and coaster tickets. I know he's looking forward to that