More Than a Friend

[sleepmask4 life]

Hi, my name is Billy and I'm new here. I just stopped in because I have a dilemma and could really use some good advice.

I have a friend at work that visits me almost every day. Unfortunately for me, I like her a lot more than a friend. We have many similar things in common, especially a deep love for horror films. She is also old enough to be my mother, but that doesn't bother me at all. I am 31 and as far as I'm concerned, age is just a number and has no bearing on love. She is in her 50's and she is gorgeous and I'm pretty hot for her.

We have gone out before, to dinner and a movie, but she would say it was not a date and refused to let me pay for anything. We have only gone out twice, the second time was to be our last. We ended up at a restaurant where a fellow co-worker recognized us and she told me, much to my disappointment, that she was embarrassed to be seen with me. Of course, at the movies I tried to put my arm around her, only for her to tell me she was going to mace me.

Well, after that I started avoiding her when she came around to visit me at work. I was heartbroken, and I still am. I would just say sorry, I'm busy and would take off, not hang around my desk when she came by. Finally, she stopped coming to visit and a little over a year went by without contact.

Then, out of the blue, she sees me in the aisle and stops me to talk. Tells me she misses me, wanted to know if I was o.k. She thought I was mad at her (I was) but I denied it, that I'm busy. She knows how I feel, but tells me she just wants to be friends, that she needs a friend to talk to, she needs that emotional support. She also hates the people in her department, so a visit to me in my department breaks up her day. And because I'm still in love with her, I let her come back into my life and visit me again at work. But she will not give me her phone number (I used to have it, lost it when I changed cell phones). She also tells me she's not for me and that I will meet someone my own age.

So now she visits, tells me about all the things in her life and all her problems. I just sit there and listen like the good friend that I am. She asks me about the weekend, which is uncomfortable because when I used to talk to her before, I would try real hard to get her to go do things with me on the weekends, like go dancing or go to a Horror Convention, which I've never been to and told her I really don't want to go by myself.

I really don't have friends, I have always been the loner who was picked on throughout his life. I would tell her I wanted to start living and having fun, but it's hard being alone. That (and it's true) I started not wanting to watch horror movies because I'm watching them alone and have nobody to discuss it and enjoy it with. And that I want to start going places but again, I don't want to go alone, I want to go with someone who I can interact with, enjoy things with, be social. I'm not going to go to an aquarium by myself, what fun is that?!

So, all I used to do on the weekends was visit my Grandpa and that went on for years. He liked old horror movies and we would talk and have dinner. He just passed away about a month ago. My mother would like to do things with me but she doesn't like all the things that I do. And I did at one time had a friend that I would see on Saturday nights, but he became an abusive drunk and I had flee from the friendship. So now I sit home, with my dogs, a hermit with his video games. I don't want to discuss the weekend with her, it's depressing because I have nobody to have fun with and she won't ever get together with me outside of work.

Well, I'm trying real hard to turn my life around for the good and get out and do things, even if it means by myself. But whenever she comes to visit me, it ultimately makes me feel depressed. I could be in a great mood, but after she has left my area, severe depression sets in and I'm like a miserable basket case for the rest of the day. She is so good looking, but she doesn't think so (she has her own self esteem issues, she went through a divorce where her husband had turned gay). So, she uses me in a way to make herself feel good because she knows I find her attractive and desire her. But it depresses me because she is kind of teasing me and snubbing me and making me feel like an inadequate guy. Like I'm not good enough for her because we have 20 years between us, but I'm good enough to lift her spirits and make her feel good about herself. I'm the best friend, you know, the best guy she knows that she will use as a measure to compare all other guys to and ultimately choose someone else who is less qualified for the job, which she will then complain to me about.

When she visits nowadays it doesn't have the spark it used to, it sometimes is really hard to hide my feelings and sadness. I have always been a very quiet man, not knowing what to say, shy and reserved. Sometimes (after she has told me what is bothering her) she doesn't know what to say or something personal may be bothering her but she doesn't want to tell me because clearly I am the at work friend that wants more. Many times we just look at each other and have no idea what to say, then I usually pull out a new Fangoria magazine and let her check it out (good ice breaker, she's a horror fan).

I'm really conflicted on what to do. I don't mind talking to her sometimes, we do have things in common. She can be a good person despite being so shallow and heartless in the love department. I don't have friends, especially any that are as pretty and attractive as she is. But she is depressing me way too much. She's playing with my emotions and I'm letting her. She keeps me excited for just a bit, even shows me her matching color panties, but that's it. She has told me in the past that she has some kind of butterfly vibrator. Last Valentine's Day she brought me in candy (of course no card and not the kind of candy that says, "I love you") and it really depressed me, I try not to even think about that holiday.

She knows that I do get sad, she can see it on my face, but she doesn't try to cheer me up or make me feel good about myself (save for an occassional pat on the back, things will be o.k.) She walks back to her desk, leaving me strung out and feeling pathetic. I don't want to sound pig headed now, I do want her more so for a companion then just some sex partner, but her coming around is like a big juicy steak waving in front of a starving tiger who has not had steak since 1999, if you catch my drift. Deep down inside of me I just have this urge to hold her in my arms and sweep her off her feet, and it feels tough surpressing that urge... but I do (I'm not trying to get fired for sexual harassment).

I really don't know what to do. Do I just start avoiding her again? Do I tell her exactly how I feel, that her visits depress me? I try to think of myself as a good soul and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm all for making her feel good about herself and raising her self esteem. But the result is my heart ripped out and splattered on the floor.

I don't know what else to say. What do you think?

[francoatgrex]

...I really don't know what to do. Do I just start avoiding her again? Do I tell her exactly how I feel, that her visits depress me? I try to think of myself as a good soul and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm all for making her feel good about herself and raising her self esteem. But the result is my heart ripped out and splattered on the floor...

Tell her exactly how you feel, that her lack of responsiveness is depressing you. From the description, she seems like a selfish person, she doesn't care about your feelings and your well-being. If she continues being the way she is, it's better to be alone that waste your time and energy on her.