Im hurting so much and truly confused

[banser123]

I need advice from a female on this one.
If you have read about my situation, and I know its long and complicated, I need to know about what just happened. I will explain.
The last 4 weeks have been just a little better. Her son had a surgery the first week of august so i called her one night to see how he was feeling. She answered and we spoke for about 10 minutes. I left off saying call me and she said ok, then she said you call me. I texted her just a couple of times asking how her weekend was and she replied right away saying good and asking me about mine. I kept it brief. Then she started to text me when she left work (she leaves at 2 I leave at 5), and complaining how the other girls at work are not too friendly with her. She did did twice in a week, so i just told her to ignore them. Then I asked her if she would like to get together for lunch or dinner one day. She replied that dinner would be cool. I told her to let me know when was good for her and she said how about next friday. I was happy because i thought she would just say ok i will let you know, but she actually gave me an exact day, so this was cool. The week went by and we made some small talk at work, nothing major tho. Then the day before our dinner plans I approached her in person and asked if she still could make it tomorrow. She said yes she can. She asked me what time, I said 7 and she said how about 8. I said cool. So things seemed good.
The day of our dinner plans she texted me around 5 saying her sitter cancelled because the sitters daughter was sick. I said no problem, that sux. She said I know, if anything we can meet up another time. I said ok no problem. Then i asked her how her kids were and said good night.
I am confused because i dont know if she was brushing me off. I know she has a hard time getting sitters, even when we were together she had a difficult time getting a sitter. Also, why did she change the time from 7 to 8 if she had no intentions on going. But you never know.
What do you think? Do you think it was a brush off?

[carl1222]

It's a shame that she has found a perfect boyfriend at long last and now finds herself missing the necessary spark for a romantic relationship with him. Lack of chemistry is a relationship killer, and you must believe her when she says things will never work.

With her history, she's probably most attracted to "bad boys" who treat her poorly. She told you this when she said you were "too nice and it turned her off a little."

I believe she genuinely wishes that she could be happy with you, but that's just not the way she's wired.

Sorry.

Carl.

[banser123]

but why doesnt she just tell me that. I give her the opportunity by asking her if i put her on the spot and that she might feel awkward but she says no, its fine. if she really doesnt want to meet with me and she doesnt want to look bad why doesnt she just tell me she feels akward and rather not.
I feel as tho she wants to but might me nervous or embarrassed.
She told me there was no chemistry and feeling once before but then came back to me saying she was just very scared, actually terrified. So the no feelings and stuff might not be the truth,
I just wish I knew if this latest incident was a brush off

[carl1222]

But that's the whole point, Banser. in every OTHER way, you are perfect for her and she knows it. It doesn't surprise me at all that she still wants you around and wants to keep trying again. Yet in spite of this, she has told you at least twice that the spark is missing. You should appreciate her moments of honesty and unwillingness to take advantage of your feelings for her that she doesn't share for you.

[banser123]

yes, i understand. But we work together and live so close. Why is she being so distant? You seem like a wise person carl and thanks for the replies. Do you know why she might be keeping distant. If she wants to remain friends, why doesnt she just ask me if i can do that. this way we can remain friends and if i do continue to have feelings for her she cant say she led me on because she warned me first that we are just friends. or do you think she is being distant for another reason

[carl1222]

I think she is being distant because she realizes that if things continue, she is going to eventually hurt you ... something she desperately doesn't want to do. Plus, losing you means that she has to admit her utter failure in finding a happy and stable relationship. I don't blame her for being scared! That also explains why she keeps trying to develop chemistry she just doesn't have for you.

Sure, she could probably get you to accept just a friendship (all she can offer) but she knows you want and expect more from her. You can't turn off your feelings like a switch, and a one-sided romantic relationship is among the worst imaginable.

As "just a friend" you would have to endure watching her enter into damaging relationships with worthless men in the future.

I can certainly appreciate your desire to find another reason why she is so reluctant to move the relationship forward, but you can't ignore it when she keeps saying that your being a nice guy turns her off and she just doesn't feel it for you. Girls never use that as an excuse for dumping someone they like unless they mean it. NEVER.

Carl.

[banser123]

I understand but the part that confuses me is this:
If she just met me, found out I was a nice guy and knows she likes bad guys, then I would totally see why this happened.
But we worked together, and she knew about me, she even said she was attracted to my qualities and told me numerous times she was physically attracted to me as well. Within days of us first dating she told me she was scared. scared to let her guard down. she told me to be patient and she would eventually overcome it.
I know she is confused. i just am not sure about the part of her not having romantic feelings for me, because if thats true then she lied to me numerous times. and she is not known to lie.
I didnt ask her or force this on her she asked me to date.
if she would just tell me shes scared and thats why she did this then I would understand and not feel used or betrayed by a coworker and good friend.

[banser123]

hello everyone., It has been a long time since I posted anything.

If anyone remembers my story, or wants to reread my story, I have a question.

Me and this girl had become friends again. Since september we started to speak more and I even went by her house a few times. We are friends only, she made it clear that thats what she wants and she does not want to lead me on in anyway. I respect her for that.

to make a long story short, we have become very close, she texts me 3 times a day, we go to lunch at work everyday, I go to her house once a week after work to eat and we get together for lunches on the weekend once in a while. She even got me a valentines day card that said luv ya, with chocolates. It was as a friend but I was surprised because she is not big into getting gifts, especially for a lovers holiday. but reagrdless things have been fine.

Now all of a sudden she hasnt called me so much and things at work are very cordial, not as friendly. We dont do lunch at work as much, or she invites someone else to come with us if we do. She seems very uncomfortable around me. I confronted her about it and she said she was just busy and tired. a week later, she still continued like this so I asked her again. she told me she wanted us to spend less time because it would help us both to move on. she says she would like to date one day and it would be easier if we spend less time.

I never once talked about us being together since last year. I never pressure her and I am just a very good friend. Her logic does not make sense. She has no feelings for me so why should it be hard for her to move on.

She has been a little depressed lately, but it seems she is avoiding me for a reason she wont say, and she is making excuses.

Does anyone have any thought as to why she is distancing herself from me. Its not another guy, I know that. and its not me pressuring her because I never mention it.

[Titobay]

Office romance could be tough to handle when situations like this arise. I will advice that you stop being sentimental about her feelings and be a man. If you love her as much as you claim, send her a note if she wont talk to you and be honest with your feelings. It appears like she is scared of her own shadow. She really doesnt love you as much as you do. If you were friends for almost four years and nothing serious evolved, then she is probably more comfortable with you being a friend than a lover. Your pampering and caring attitude gets to her because she probably feels you are doing too much beyond her expectation and she doesn't feel comfortable with that.

Give her time to get over her emotions especially over her disabled child, then make time out whenever she resumes to discuss issues as honestly as possible. I will advice you respect whatever decision she makes finally whether negative or positive and move on with life. I must admit it'd be tough though since you both are in the same office. Wish you luck.

[banser123]

thanks for the response. Yes, I did tell her how i felt, but I did not pressure her or annoy her with it. My actions alone told her how much I care about her.
Im sure she is more comfortable being a friend as apposed to girlfriendbut all of a sudden she seems to not want to be such good friends anymore, she is trating me as a coworker. and the confusing part is that she iniated us getting close again, she called me and made plans with me.
I will give her time and it is what it is, I just feel bad because we were close friends and now she ended that too, just like she ended our dating.
It is very difficult being that we work together. This might sound like me not letting go but part of me accepts her not wanting to dat me but another part feels like she wants to but is just scared and its easier for her to settle with a loser or just being alone

[banser123]

Thank you for your responses. It makes sense what you are saying, but this seems a little more complicated.
She tells me she wants to spend less time and stops calling me after work and on the weekends. I say no problem and leave it be. At work we are friendly but not like before.
The funny thing is, after a few weeks of this she calls me on a saturday and says she wants me to come over, she misses my company. I pass by for a few minutes then she asks me to come over at night after the kids fall asleep so we can talk, she says she is feeling a lil down. When I get there we watch tv and she says she is ok its nothing major thats making her feel down. I thought she would have a lot to say but we just chilled and watched tv and talked. Its like she lied to me to get me to come over.
I know there is no other guy. And she doesnt seem to be using me for anything other than my company maybe. It makes me feel like she cant let go of me. I mean she had us being distant and she keeps coming back, but I dont know why. It seems like she wants to be close but gets scared off. Im sorry but its really confusing.