Uncomftable situiation regarding friend and rejecting a date

[mafj99]

Hello,

Well I have been doing my best to get over my ex, been difficult but I think I have been doing ok but know it is too soon for me to look for something else.

The other week I was out with a female friend who I met through another friend and we had been out a couple of times on a night out, usually with the other friend. It usually resulted in us being left alone at the end of the night as other friends that were out either had work the following day or were tired and went home.

Well I really enjoy her company and at the end of the night made sure she got home safe before getting a taxi home myself from hers.

A couple of weeks ago just as i was leaving her house to get in a taxi home she just asked me if I fancied going out on a date with her at some point as she really liked me. That kind of threw me a little bit, not a good time to say something as I was walking out her door at the time. Now I was quite drunk at the time so may not have answered the best I could have done, I believe that my answer was something along the lines of I needed to think about it.

Anyway this was about 5 am so following morning I get woken up at about 9 with a message asking me what I had decided, she thought obviously it was a no as I hadn't replied as of yet. I simply replied that it wasn't necceserialy a no I had just gotten out of a long relationship a couple of weeks before and was still getting over my ex as I still loved her and cared for her. I also said I just need time to think and sort myself out, I don't want to get into anything else at the moment and don't want to lead her on thinking that there was a chance of something happening when at the moment I am not looking for anything.

Now silly me thought this was probably the end of that as she knew where I stood, well I was wrong. She never said anything to me in person when I saw her however the other night she sent me a message asking if I wanted to chat online for a bit, which I decided to do as I was online anyway. It kind of took a sinister turn for the worse, she started to have a go at me as she wanted to know how I felt about her. I explained again I wasn't looking for anything, then found out that she thought that the couple of times when we had gone out for some drinks while waiting for another friend she thought we like dates and wondered why i didn't want to have a proper date. In the end she concluded that I wasn't particularly interested in a relationship and she needed to move on, which again I thought was the end of it.

A week later she caught me online again, and started asking why I had been avoiding her. Which I hadn't, had seen her a few days before hand when I popped round to help her with a problem she was having and asked if I could pop up and fix. Anyway I told her that I wasn't avoiding her just been very busy, which I had and hadn't had time to go out and see anybody really, which I hadn't as I had been working long hours at work. Anyway she go more annoyed with me and asked if there was a spark there between us as she felt one, I said I didn't feel a spark and didn't see her in that way. I liked her and got on with her but just as a friend and again tied to explain that I was not looking for anything at the moment as I was still getting over my ex. Well she started to get quite angry and abusive with me then going back through the chat history and copy excepts of phrases I had written, out of context with the whole paragraph in was and asking why I obviously want more yet tell her that I do not want anything.

After this that night I then got a sting of quite abusive text messages at 5 am through until about 6 am, then after that when I got up feeling quite shattered as I had not got much sleep got another message saying that she had to take the day of work because of how much I had upset her and that she was already on thin ice and may loose her job because of me.

Followed on to that she also sent my friend a message telling him how horrible I was (toned that down slightly) and that she was annoyed at him as I had spoken to him about her when he asked what was going on as she told him she asked me out.

Even found out that she went through on facebook and had a look at my ex and looked at her profile. Last I heard from her was telling me that we needed to meet up and discuss this whole matter as it is not resolved and we can't continue to be friends until it is all sorted.

Now I am pretty certain I haven't done anything wrong, as she was a friend I didn't just want to turn round and say "No" when she asked me out as that seemed harsh so I tried to do it in a nice way by explaining that as flattered as I was I am not looking for anything at the moment and don't want to lead her on to something that isn't there. Obviously this was a mistake but you live and learn.

What do I do about this though? How do I try and get her to understand that I am not interested and wasn't interested in her in that way? Now if she had asked a few months down the line then who knows what would have happened but I explained everything to her about how I felt about my ex still before she asked me out.

S

[hello_gorgeous]

She wants you because she knows she can't have you. You telling her that you are emotionally unavailable made her want you just that much more. Plus she seems a bit crazy so that is also a factor. If you being kind in rejecting her didn't get the message across and you don't want to be mean about it, I say just explain to her that you do not want to continue the friendship because you don't want her feelings for you to develop any further. Then do not have any contact with her at all.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah wow, are you a magnet for the batshit crazy ones or what?

Her kind of behavior isn't healthy, and I don't think her desperation is making things any easier is it? She doesn't want to let things progress, she wants to know immediately the answer. And she put you on the spot like that, you were just being honest, and she is abusive to you and takes it personally? Not only is she not listening, she is almost trying to bully you into getting her way. Possibly because you are such a nice guy, she thinks she can take advantage of that.

You don't really owe her anything. All I hear from her is "She needs this, she needs that, she needs an answer, she needs to talk it out." What she could probably use is some blunt reality. She could use you telling her "everything was okay until you started acting like this. Your behavior is inappropriate, pushy, and totally unnecessary. You being abusive is not okay." You probably won't say that, but you would be helping her if she is really oblivious to how she is acting. Another good example of what can happen if you wait things out a bit instead of rushing in: you get to see their true self when they can't hold up their good behavior.

But you don't need to pretend to be friends with her just to "help her out". She needs to relax and I hope she knows this. If she continues with the pushy behavior, I would tell her that you could use some space. Like you said to your ex. If she doesn't respect that, remind her how selfish she is being. If that doesn't work, cut her off for good. You deserve better than this bullshit.

[vashti]

Cut her loose. She sounds mentally unstable.

[mafj99]

Yeah wow, are you a magnet for the batshit crazy ones or what?

That made me laugh

On a serious note, she does seem to be trying to force me to make a decision which has really pushed me away. It is clear she didn't listen to me otherwise she wouldn't have asked. I can't be dealing with this at the moment, I have been working on getting over my ex which has not been easy but then to have this thrown on top it's just not what I need. I tried to be nice as her being a friend of a friend there is a good I will end up running into her again on nights out so wanted to try and keep it nice and understandable rather than having to do the inevitable now of telling her to back off.

It has already got more awkward as she laid into my friend about the whole thing which really annoyed me as it had nothing to do with him. Fortunately he is ok with it and understands and is annoyed with her as well as he doesn't want to be forced in the middle.

I haven't heard from her for a few days which is good, hopefully she has decided to leave me alone and got the message when I was a bit more blunt with her.

Here's hoping I don't attract anymore crazy girls when I do start looking again, just somebody nice and normal.

Thanks,

S

[Kaius]

wow she doesn't take no for an answer! imagine how good she would be in bed!!!
Seriously though, how bad would it be to bed her now and forget about your ex?
I mean you definitely need the distraction.

[mafj99]

wow she doesn't take no for an answer! imagine how good she would be in bed!!!
Seriously though, how bad would it be to bed her now and forget about your ex?
I mean you definitely need the distraction.

You see that is a really bad idea, firstly that is not me, secondly it would have dire consequences as she is friends with a few of my friends and finally if she is harassing me now how much worse do you think that route would make it?

I do need a distraction but that is not the right distraction and it would be a whole can of worms, I think my best option is to try and distance myself from her as much as possible.

S

[Kyouhen]

Just be straight to her, its better to have resentment for cruelty then having a batshit crazy stalker who has the wrong impression of you

AND BAD ADVICE KAIUS

She would get the wrong impression, you would be using a girl for personal gain, just so many things wrong with sleeping with a stalkerish girl who you have no feelings for

Have you not seen the movie "The Life of Garp"

[vashti]

wow she doesn't take no for an answer! imagine how good she would be in bed!!!
Seriously though, how bad would it be to bed her now and forget about your ex?
I mean you definitely need the distraction.

Haven't you seen Fatal Attraction? This is a bad idea.

[mafj99]

I hadn't thought of her as some kind of crazy stalker, I was trying to be nice as I hate upsetting people but it is defiantly better to upset her and being straight and blunt rather than her get the wrong idea.

On a side note, saw one of my mates today who has know her for a few years, told him what had happened and he laughed which was nice. Turns out this is not the first time she has become infatuated with somebody who has consequently not been interested and had her go slightly crazy at them, would have been nice to have know this beforehand as I could have been a bit more careful and tried to avoid this whole situation.

S