My wife has no sex drive, what can I do?

[Incognito]

Ok, before I go any further does anyone know how to keep this site from signing you out if you are idle for more than a minute or two? I just typed a bunch of responses only to get a messgae saying that I wasn't logged in and my responses erased once I did log in.

@ tropigal82 : I am not wearing a shirt in my profile picture, so that might have been me that you saw. Just to be sure I posted "Hello to tropigal82 " on my wall for you to see. It is a public profile, so you should be able to see it.

@ bluesummer : Yes "room mates" sums up our relationship perfectly. There is no real physical intimacy, and hardly any emotional intimacy.

I realize as you all respond that there are details that I leave out, and I try to add them. That being said, its not that she says "no" to me (although she used to). She lets me have sex with her if I really want it, but that is precisely the problem. She lets me have sex with her. It makes me feel like a f*cking rapist to have sex with someone who is letting me have sex with them instead of wanting me to have sex with them. I've told her this before too since I translate that into her not wanting me in general. She usually responds with "I do enjoy sex" and "I do want you". I rebutted with the following : You enjoy eating candy bars, so you want one every now and then. If you want a candy bar you will go and get one, and then enjoy it. So......if you enjoy sex, you want it. If you wanted sex you would think about it and then act on that desire (especially since the source -me- is readily available). She didn't agree with the comparison, but couldn't give me a reason why it was flawed.

[vashti]

She let's you? umm, that's a whole other story!

If she lets you, but she isn't enjoying it, then you should work on your technique. Are you asking her to do stuff she finds degrading? Maybe some of that stuff you see in your porn videos?

[girl68]

You have forgotten to ask her how exactly you're so supposed to conclude that she wants you? She doesn't show you, she doesn't act like it. So how do you know she wants you.

[Incognito]

She let's you? umm, that's a whole other story!

If she lets you, but she isn't enjoying it, then you should work on your technique. Are you asking her to do stuff she finds degrading? Maybe some of that stuff you see in your porn videos?

That's just it, she tells me that she does enjoy it. When we DO have sex I always go down on her first, and don't do anything until she has an orgasm. I do realize that she could be faking it, but if she is faking then she is good at it. No she doesn't do the whole "oh yes thats so good" screaming orgasm. Her body usually gets tense, she breathes harder and faster, and she makes a really low 'primal' sound just like when I hit the big O. Her clit, thighs, and breasts seem to be overly sensitive after she orgasms too. As you can see IF she is faking she is being incredibly thorough, which is why I don't believe she is faking. As far as me asking her to do degrading things, I don't. I asked her what she'd be comfortable with during the first year of marriage (ie oral, anal, if she wanted me to come on her, if she wanted to role play etc). The whole list got big red Xs except for oral, vaginal, and coming on her back. All the things she wasn't comfortable with I didn't bring up again because I figured she DID view them as degrading. The only thing that did come up again (besides sex itself) was having sex somewhere else besides the bed, which still has not happened after 5 years. As far as my fantasies go....er, went......some did revolve around what I had seen in porn movies. Although much of the porn made in the past few years seems to focus on purposely degrading women and being rough, both of which I totally disagree with. I think the main reason I watched porn was because the women acted (if you can call it that, lol) well enough to convince me that they wanted sex and that they enjoyed having sex.

[vashti]

I don't know what to tell you. Women who orgasm tend to like sex.

For the record, my thighs and breasts are not overly sensitive when I orgasm, and even my clitoris is overly sensitive only for a short time (maybe a minute?). Maybe other women are different.

Is she taking birth control pills or antidepressants? Any other medications? Is she diabetic or does she have hypertension?

[Incognito]

She generally avoids all medications, so I seriously doubt she's taking any. I doubt she takes birth control either since I had a vascectomy when we got married.

[mom44g]

I was in a nearly ten year relationship with a man who preferred porn to sex with me, although he liked looking at my body when I walked through the house naked (which I would do occasionally just to see his reaction!). Anyway, I wound up cheating on him after about three years; then I left for a job out of the state. We wound up back together briefly; I left again to attend school in another state. After about a year he moved to that same state and we spent five more years under the same roof. We were the best of friends in so many ways; we went fishing together and took trips together, but no sex. I didn't discover the porn until we got back together in the state where I was at school, but before that I thought there must be something wrong with me and it hurt me deeply although he said he loved me. Eventually I left for good because I wanted children and that was no going to happen with him. It took me another five years to get over him enough to get through a day and not think of him. I still miss him to this day...he came from a home where the parents never showed affection openly at all, so this may have had something to do with his issues. I don't regret the time I was with him; I just know that it affected me to the point where every relationship since then I compare them with him in many ways.....and they rarely measure up...he was very intelligent and I love that in a man...Ah, well. I went on to have four beautiful daughters with a man who was an abusive alcoholic...so I have raised them alone and they are wonderful and the best gift ever bestowed upon me in this life! So nothing to complain about....I am truly blessed in so many ways....

[mom44g]

You will eventually cheat on her; it is not normal to never have sex with your husband. She sounds like she is quite full of herself; maybe thinks she's too good for you or maybe she's cheating on you? Ya never know....

[weibin]

Please ask yourself whether you have intimacy, passion and commitment with your wife. These are the three elements that forms love. You lack these elements or any one of them, you should not live with your wife.

[SelflessnHumble]

Ok, first let me say that I had carefully laid out the situation here and when I went to preview it I was all of a sudden not logged in, which erased the whole thing. Frustrating!

Check the remember me tab...If you don't the site automatically logs you out (found that out the hard way!)

I have been married for over five years, and can typically count on two hands how many times I have sex in any given year. I made the choice not to have sex before I got married, as I try to be a gentleman (plus its not a bad thing to have on your resume when you're looking for a wife).

.....Before I give you my perspective: two things come to mind:
(1) I truly commend you bro, for wanting to wait until marriage for sex...However this brings me to:
(2) How and when did she know you were a virgin prior to having sex? How many partner's did she have before U?

Her sexual history and yours I think played in a vital role in how SHE views sex and HOW you have come
to view it based on each others differences of opinion...Which then begs the question: Did you talk to her
about sex, how she viewed it, if she'd ever thought about it (ever felt horny) lustful, talk to her about masturbation,
porn, sexual desires and the like? <------This is highly important.

Anyway, while in Mexico on our honeymoon I say toward the end of our first day, "lets go back to the room" with a devilish grin on my face. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "why would we want to go back to the room? There is nothing in the room except for a bed and a TV". I laughed because I thought she was joking, but she wasn't. We had sex like two days later after I nagged her, and she wasn't into it.

See, this issue didn't just surface just because it was your honeymoon and that you had wanted "more" sex with her.

This issue has been embedded into her mind (for some reason) PRIOR to meeting you, bro. It is possible
that her own allowed programming and (unbeknownst to her) indoctrination played a vital role in her own
state of mind and how she views sex...Open and honest communication (without fear of invalidation) is key.

As a married couple both should confide in one another for comfort/solace and for: an amicable resolution.
If you have to nag someone for sex: it doesn't mean they don't love you: BUT it does mean that THEY view
sexual intercourse as perhaps a tool for consummation (or for the conception of a child) -not AS an expression
as one's love and bond for one another...Which to me sucks a$$ BUT people are who they are. Going into a marriage
does not enhance anything nor make it better...If any: it (the title and all promises, sworn oaths and benefits therein)
put an illusory but real stress on a person's perception...

After six months of no sex I started buying porn and sex toys. In 2007 we almost got divorced, and afterward I told her about the porn and toys.

This reveals MUCH about her and of what I was getting at.
Inhibitions (most likely due to ignorance) are what kills a relationship's sexuality. -Not good.
She finds it equally as disgusting to have sex with you as she does YOU using other means of satisfying
your own natural sexual desire(s) ...You didn't go outside the marriage to do it: however, given the face she isn't a
good (intimate) match for you (if we are looking at needs not being met, nor addressed) then it is clear: your needs
are not important to her as her own needs seemingly invalidate YOURS. -Not cool.

Then again, you also have to take into consideration sex (in your eyes) is NOT how sex is seen in hers.
Getting pity sex is the worst kind of sex.

She always says "I'll work on it" or "I'll do better in the future". Nothing happens.

Words mean nothing.
We can put stock into them> but what happens AFTER they are said is the key.
Her inaction says "I'm FOS, but don't call me out on it because of your perverse sexual needs."

Unfortunately you have both made vows and while you are *for better or worse* upholding them...
I don't feel she is doing the same for the relationship.

Just yesterday there was a program on female sexuality covering orgasm, the G spot and a few other things. I stopped there for 15 seconds and she immediately chimed in "why are we watching this?". If it were a program on how to improve male orgasm you'd have to shoot me in order to get me to change the channel (not that I wasn't interested in the program about female orgasm, because I was).

It says you haven't communicated properly enough to find out the cause of her
sexual awkwardness and inhibitions and it also says you two *in my opinion* shouldn't even be in a boyfriend -
girlfriend relationship...much less actually married, where metaphorically two become one.

Did you propose, was she a virgin too?
Was the proposal based on love, wanting to have her, or sexual gratification?

While I have had a girlfriend who had this issue...I never sat her down
and asked her why...I had assumed she didn't love me, so I dumped her.

She may have been sexually touched inappropriately or some unknown truth she
has yet to reveal to you. I feel you have the RIGHT to know if she has the intention of giving you
only pity sex (to satisfy your needs, not hers because she hasn't the same needs as you re: sex) and at the
same time: the vows of marriage are there when things don't go right as things tend to do sometimes...

I feel that via open and honest communication: she should tell you the truth.
You being the other party need to accept the truth: whatever it may be.
What does she do for you other than give you pity sex?
Do you have children? What are her views? Have you asked her since?