Very very complicated romance...

[jamesonherts]

Hi everyone!

I am in need of some advice here! I am very deeply in love with someone, someone who not only completes my life, but makes up 100% of my life. I thought I knew what love was until I met her, now I truly know how deep love really is!

She is 6 years older than me, and a year ago married a man she doesn’t love because she was scared of being alone.

We started off as work colleagues, and I tried so hard to be her friend – and one day my wish came true. We became best friends and we were inseparable. We kept no secrets from eachother, we both knew every intimate detail about one another. Then on valentines day this year, she admitted she was in love with me. I knew I felt exactly the same way and I came clean too. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger every day, and after a few weeks we shared our first kiss, but not the last. Passionate kissing became the norm for us.

But our colleagues at work found out and none of them approved of our romance. Mainly because she is the most popular and friendly person at work, and I am probably the most hated (don’t ask me why!), yet we were both madly in love with eachother.

We both “staged” a falling out at work to get rid of the third-party interference, as this was causing a great strain on our relationship. I managed to transfer to another department after talking with my line manager. So we no longer work together.

As far as everyone at work knew - we were over, however this was far from true.

One day in April totally out of the blue, she stopped talking to me and sent me a text saying she was ending our friendship. A week later she got in touch again and said she was so sorry, her husband had found out and confronted her about our relationship. She was confused and felt sorry for him.

We met up again and agreed to not see eachother for 6 months, to give us a chance to fall out of love with eachother. This lasted 2 hours before we were both on the phone to eachother!

Then she decided that she was going to leave her husband and be with me. I offered her a place to stay when she left him, but we agreed it will be an emotional time for her and so we found her a property to rent.

Then in the middle of May she phoned me and calmly said “I’m sorry, I actually love my husband, I cant even dream of leaving him. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what I felt for you, but it wasn’t love”. I begged her to stop lying to herself, but she hung up on me, and wouldn’t answer the phone.

In my hysteria I forwarded a copy of every email she sent to me to her husband. This was something I instantly regretted! I just didn’t think, I have no idea why I did that but it was so stupid.

Her husband confronted her about it, but he forgives her for everything and told her she was just being immature.

Then a week later, she calls me up saying she needs help opening a bank account because she is leaving her husband. She then told me what I did was disgusting and she’ll never forgive me for it. But then she kept saying “I love you, I am just so madly in love with you, I’ve never felt this way about anyone”. Then she said the bank account thing was just an excuse to call me. She cant stop thinking about me, and she cant live without me. But she said “You suffer now, because of what you did we will never be together, I cant change you or my husband, so I’ll dump you both”. Then she continued to say I love you.

She knows how much I care about her and I’ll always help her through anything, so he has asked me help her find a new property and open a bank account etc…

We haven’t kissed, just hugged. Our connection is still as strong as ever but I’m not sure what she sees in me.

She still says I love you, but not as frequently as she used too. And occasionally she comes out with compliments like, I love your eyes and Your voice is so comforting, I just feel so relaxed when I hear your voice.

And now she regularly says “My husband is too strict and your too chilled out, I’ll have to find a man who’s a balance of the too”. And when we walk something like “my husband used to like walking like you, then he changed”.

She keeps calling, complimenting and saying she loves me, but we will never be together! I only mention the prospect of being together in a humerous context, when we are having a laugh.

I’m not putting any pressure on her as it’s obvious she’s confused about the whole situation. I would never force myself on her and never have. That's one of the many reasons why she loves me (as she has said in the past!)

Am I doing the right thing? Does she want me to feel bad about what I did? Am I supposed to be getting a hidden message here? I’m so confused myself!

Any help appreciated here!

Many Thanks!

[VincenzoG91]

Time for you to go to No Contact. This is a losing situation for you. You could waste years waiting on her and suffering and hoping for sloppy seconds, while life passes you by. There are approximately 3.5 billion females on this planet, and many of them are even single. Get out there and start dating, and stop sneaking around with some woman who won't even kiss you.

[jamesonherts]

I couldnt leave her life, I just couldn't. She means so much to me and I care about her so much. I couldn't go through life letting her suffer. I'd sacrafice the rest of my life for her if it means I know she is looked after. Out of the question I'm afraid.

[Alvy]

She sounds like one messed up individual...why in the world are you even with someone like her? Unless you want a life of misery and being played with, ditch her. As for out of the question, you wanted advice, we're both giving you the same advice and I guarantee you every other person below me will tell you the same thing. Find someone who's more stable.

[VincenzoG91]

Don't be a martyr. I wasted nearly a decade on hopeless youthful crushes, and I really wish I could have that time back now. There were three separate women that I got involved with who happened to be married. In every case, we got close for a while when the marriage was going through a rough spot, but eventually each woman went back to her husband. One of those husbands was a cop, and another one left a death threat on my answering machine when he found out about me.

If this woman really, truly loved you, she would have started divorce proceedings by now. You haven't mentioned kids, so I assume that there aren't any kids in this situation. So, in theory, she could just get a divorce if she wanted without any custody issues. But she keeps going back to her husband. Maybe she is old-fashioned and really values the institution of marriage. If so, she is always going to instinctively favor her husband over you. And if they did manage to divorce someday, she might end up resenting you in a way for causing the divorce to happen.

Relationships are hard enough under normal circumstances. Two different people with a lifetime of different experiences, moving past initial attraction and infatuation to get to know each other as real people. Both trying to cope with personal issues while making the kinds of compromises that are essential to a lasting relationship. Throw in some huge complication, like say a jealous husband, and it seems fairly hopeless. Even if you managed to win her over and someday be married to her, you will never be secure in this relationship, because she could end up getting friendly with some other guy and leave you for him. Relationships that start with cheating usually end the same way.

Just for a moment, try to imagine a clean start with some other woman. One who is just as attractive as this married woman, only closer to your age, single, and totally interested in just you. This is not some far-fetched fantasy like your current obsession, this would be a normal dating relationship that you could start, if only you stopped chasing this married woman and started dating more normal women.

[vashti]

She sounds like one messed up individual....

lol

and he doesn't?

[Alvy]

Well I was originally going to put after that part "...and you're not much better", but that would've been a bit mean.

[xxazurexx]

Well her husband obviously has something going for him, which is why she chooses to stay with him.

A bigger penis or fatter wallet perhaps??

Anyway, if she had any intentions of leaving, she's had ample opportunity to leave and she'd have done so before now.

And if you want to live the rest of your life waiting on her, while she has the best of both worlds and goes back to his bed every night...well uhm, go ahead and do so

[xxazurexx]

I couldnt leave her life, I just couldn't. She means so much to me and I care about her so much. I couldn't go through life letting her suffer. I'd sacrafice the rest of my life for her if it means I know she is looked after. Out of the question I'm afraid.

Don't kid yourself that she's suffering.

She's loving every minute of it and probably gets off on the drama.