I'm going to try keep this from not being an epic but I do fear in order for me to convey how stuck I am I need to give a bit of background. I know most people will most probably turn there noses up and hate me, I am going to be 100% truthful and Im sure you will all think I was a rat but I really am stuck, and need some help.
Basically I hooked up with an old school friend about 7 years ago, we hit it off big time but a lot of it I believe was drug induced. After being together for all of 1 month I am hit with the bomb shell - she is pregnant and wants to keep it, regardless of if I stay or go. Im fine I did really like her and decided to do the best thing and stick by her, we got engaged and both stopped drugs immediately. Shortly into the pregnancy I got cold feet and decided to dip them in the pool again. I know Im a tosser. I never actually cheated but was caught out on my phone. This killed her trust in me as Im led to believe now. So from there it went downhill we had a second baby and somewhere along the line I did cheat several times, but it was nothing more than getting what I needed (sex was on rations for some reason), I loved her and stuck by her for the kids. Now I'm not naive I am well aware something wasnt right or I wouldnt be doing this. Eventually she got pregnant for the third time and by this time things were really rough we hardly ever had sex and pretty much just lived under the same roof living sperate lives with hardly any communication.
So well, I had met someone else. This girl swept me off my feet, she was everything I could every want. For first 3 months it was all a total secret until I got found out. Now I wont bore with everything that happened but basically I left and got with this new chick. BUT i couldnt tell my ex that I didnt want to be with her, because quite frankly I still love her and do. Anyway I left the house to my ex and the kids and moved out. Now Things were absolutely blinding with my new gf until she went away. She has been gone for 3 months and tbh I was devestated when I dropped her at the airport and really have pined for her since.
This is where I am now, I don't know if I trust her she is a proper party girl and is out getting lashed every night of the week. Pictures of her pop up on facebook and she has different blokes all round her etc. She swears blind she hasn't cheated and has even said she wants to marry me, she is only 19. She has bought some claddagh ring that she wears and has spent no joke thousands ringing, texting etc everyday. Sounds mad dont it that I am being paranoid. haha still I can't help it. One day she gave me her facebook profile and asked me to log in and delete something cause she couldn't get on it. I said no, I dont want to go on her fb so didnt. Well that was about a month ago and one night she couldnt get hold of me and went on the internet left me all these messages about how she loves me etc. Curiousity got the better of me this day and I logged on her page. I found she had been chatting to some fella that night and was talking about how she hasnt had sex for 3 months and hasnt she been a good girl. OK I thought but then she turned round and said oh well if it all fails when back I can snuggle with you :O. Well I bought this up, I didnt say how I found out, I didnt really need to but she owned up and cried etc saying she never done it before and was just pissed. hmmm. Now she is only gone for another 4 weeks but its cracking me up, I'm constantly wondering what she is up to and thinking she is just copping off with everyone. When she comes back she is back for 2 weeks then jetting off to egypt with her mum for 2 weeks then she comes back and is moving away to uni. ok there is the background this is the dillema.
This is where I actually need the help. I am head over heals for this girl we can call her A, we gel (without drugs), have the best sex I've ever had in my life and basically really make each other happy (when Im not being paranoid). My ex we can call her B is still waiting out for me to come back, we hadnt spoken for ages and then the past week or so we got back in contact and have been talking ok. She declared that she still wants me back etc and is really pushing me to tell her now that I dont want her back. I can't. I still really love her I have 3 kids with her a house and everything but she don't make me happy like when I'm with A.
The bombshell - last night she invited herself over and come prepared with drink. Stupidly I sat there and got smashed with her, we had a "smoke" and ended up having sex. Whatever you think I didnt push for it it was pretty much thrown at me and I was trying to put it off and saying no we shouldnt etc but she is very persistent.
I feel massively guilty towards A but part of me thinks if she hasnt gone all the way she has copped of with other blokes surely. I as bad and most probably stupid as it sounds love both of these girls and am so stuck with what to do. Both sides have advantages and disadvantages A being the dream girl B being mother of my children.
wtf do I do?