Not sure what I need but any kind of help/advice welcome!

[marc1983]

I'm going to try keep this from not being an epic but I do fear in order for me to convey how stuck I am I need to give a bit of background. I know most people will most probably turn there noses up and hate me, I am going to be 100% truthful and Im sure you will all think I was a rat but I really am stuck, and need some help.

Basically I hooked up with an old school friend about 7 years ago, we hit it off big time but a lot of it I believe was drug induced. After being together for all of 1 month I am hit with the bomb shell - she is pregnant and wants to keep it, regardless of if I stay or go. Im fine I did really like her and decided to do the best thing and stick by her, we got engaged and both stopped drugs immediately. Shortly into the pregnancy I got cold feet and decided to dip them in the pool again. I know Im a tosser. I never actually cheated but was caught out on my phone. This killed her trust in me as Im led to believe now. So from there it went downhill we had a second baby and somewhere along the line I did cheat several times, but it was nothing more than getting what I needed (sex was on rations for some reason), I loved her and stuck by her for the kids. Now I'm not naive I am well aware something wasnt right or I wouldnt be doing this. Eventually she got pregnant for the third time and by this time things were really rough we hardly ever had sex and pretty much just lived under the same roof living sperate lives with hardly any communication.

So well, I had met someone else. This girl swept me off my feet, she was everything I could every want. For first 3 months it was all a total secret until I got found out. Now I wont bore with everything that happened but basically I left and got with this new chick. BUT i couldnt tell my ex that I didnt want to be with her, because quite frankly I still love her and do. Anyway I left the house to my ex and the kids and moved out. Now Things were absolutely blinding with my new gf until she went away. She has been gone for 3 months and tbh I was devestated when I dropped her at the airport and really have pined for her since.

This is where I am now, I don't know if I trust her she is a proper party girl and is out getting lashed every night of the week. Pictures of her pop up on facebook and she has different blokes all round her etc. She swears blind she hasn't cheated and has even said she wants to marry me, she is only 19. She has bought some claddagh ring that she wears and has spent no joke thousands ringing, texting etc everyday. Sounds mad dont it that I am being paranoid. haha still I can't help it. One day she gave me her facebook profile and asked me to log in and delete something cause she couldn't get on it. I said no, I dont want to go on her fb so didnt. Well that was about a month ago and one night she couldnt get hold of me and went on the internet left me all these messages about how she loves me etc. Curiousity got the better of me this day and I logged on her page. I found she had been chatting to some fella that night and was talking about how she hasnt had sex for 3 months and hasnt she been a good girl. OK I thought but then she turned round and said oh well if it all fails when back I can snuggle with you :O. Well I bought this up, I didnt say how I found out, I didnt really need to but she owned up and cried etc saying she never done it before and was just pissed. hmmm. Now she is only gone for another 4 weeks but its cracking me up, I'm constantly wondering what she is up to and thinking she is just copping off with everyone. When she comes back she is back for 2 weeks then jetting off to egypt with her mum for 2 weeks then she comes back and is moving away to uni. ok there is the background this is the dillema.

This is where I actually need the help. I am head over heals for this girl we can call her A, we gel (without drugs), have the best sex I've ever had in my life and basically really make each other happy (when Im not being paranoid). My ex we can call her B is still waiting out for me to come back, we hadnt spoken for ages and then the past week or so we got back in contact and have been talking ok. She declared that she still wants me back etc and is really pushing me to tell her now that I dont want her back. I can't. I still really love her I have 3 kids with her a house and everything but she don't make me happy like when I'm with A.

The bombshell - last night she invited herself over and come prepared with drink. Stupidly I sat there and got smashed with her, we had a "smoke" and ended up having sex. Whatever you think I didnt push for it it was pretty much thrown at me and I was trying to put it off and saying no we shouldnt etc but she is very persistent.

I feel massively guilty towards A but part of me thinks if she hasnt gone all the way she has copped of with other blokes surely. I as bad and most probably stupid as it sounds love both of these girls and am so stuck with what to do. Both sides have advantages and disadvantages A being the dream girl B being mother of my children.

wtf do I do?

[dave_s]

Well your definately ****ed in one way or another my friend, your about to enter a world of stress!

If you want A my advice to you, is to tell A when she is back in town that you slept with B, i assume she knows your background and that you truly have a life with this person, your connected no matter what through your kids. you tell her the truth, definately playing down the parts where you still love B apologize, you mean it, so she will see that you mean it, bring up the fact that you found out she almost cheated but didnt, but dont blame her, be understanding, because you caved too! the most important thing is that you be humble, dont try to rub anything in her face, she has just been betrayed. you have to talk through everything your hopes dreams and fears, she may turn around and cheat on you, she may not, if she does, you should not blame her, you did it to her, and paybacks a bitch no matter which way you look at it, tell B that you do NOT want her sexually and that any contact you have with her is purely because your the father of her child, cut her off completely. now assuming you stilll have A continue to be humble as long as she needs you to be, take care of what she wants and be patient,

this may however cost you A, in which case you can still go back to B if you havent broken it off yet, save that for last just in case, unless A requires it for you to stay with her, if you do lose A you know why, you need to learn self dicipline, stop cheating, open your whole life to A so she knows your not cheating and be prepared for her to cheat on you

If you want B, tell her you still love her, you were stupid to leave her, and that you want to come home, you think about her every day. also if you do get back with her, communicate, even if it is not all happy communication is most important... what happens happens, ya know... but B is probably the easy option since a women scorned is... well volatile, unpredictable, and overall dangerous

well you may be screwed you may not, it depends on the personalities of the women, and how smooth you can really be, but most important either way,
BE HUMBLE
COMMUNICATE
DICIPLINE YOURSELF (DON'T CHEAT!!!)

[marc1983]

Cheers for that I do fully understand what you saying. Problem I have is I dont think B will be willing to wait 4 weeks for A to get back. She is after my blood now!

I guess it boils down to:
A is following my heart - shes everything I could want BUT is a risk she's young, travelling, uni etc
B is following my head - Totally devoted wants the happy family BUT doesnt light the fire

Such a crap situation because I do care for both of them and dont know how the hell I ended up getting in this lol

I failed to mention I am 26 coming up 27, I feel I'm pretty much ready to settle down in one way or the other. A being that we are a proper gf and bf and can just enjoy ourselves until we are a proper age and set up to have kids etc. With B its already there and I could end up living the rest of my life regretting not getting with A and seeing it through or realising I made the right choice.

ggrrr I really don't have a clue, please if anyone else feels to chip in it greatly appreciated, I'm hoping something will just click and I'll know. I honestly can't stand hanging both these girls out though I really aint a bad guy.

[marc1983]

damn I well ballsed up cheating on A, really actually wish I didnt

[xxazurexx]

All down to you isn't it.

You either remain with gf B and continue on in a relationship you aren't 100% happy or contented in, or you go with gf A who you are 100% happy with and try to make things work with her.

Personally and if I was gf B, I'd rather you let me go and if you weren't 100% happy being with me. I'd feel it only fair to me, that you allow me to move on and so that I could meet someone else who would be 100% content and to be with me.

You have already cheated on gf B numerous times and if you settle for her, then I can't see that you would change. You would always feel unsettled and thinking there was better out there for you.....so the kindest thing to do, is to let her go.

The worst thing you can do, is to settle for gf B and because you don't trust gf A!!!

You would be deciding to remain with gf B and for all the WRONG reasons.

You are supposed to be with someone because you LOVE them.....not because they are the next best choice!!!!

[IndiReloaded]

bring up the fact that you found out she almost cheated but didnt, but dont blame her, be understanding, because you caved too!

There is a world of difference b/t someone who almost cheats but doesn't and someone who actually does. In fact, that is the litmus test. Someone who is tempted to cheat but can walk away isn't a cheater.

I would avoid saying something like this if I were you. It sounds like you are trying to excuse your behaviour with a 'you're almost as bad as I am' and, if she has any self-respect, she would dump you immediately. I would.

[marc1983]

TBH after a bit of sleep, I think I have come to the conclusion. I am somehow going to have to break off B as much as it hurts, and going to put my efforts in A.

I do regret it and I really have no desire to do it again with B or with anyone else. If she has cheated on me while away then I highly doubt I'm ever going to find out and the day she does own up is the day I will own up. If she has she has, deep down I dont think she has she wouldn't have said to this guy that she has been faithful and a good girl for the past 3 months, ok so she may have had a hint of insecurity by saying she would snuggle with him if we fail but I can put that off as being drunk. I do agree with IndiReloaded there is a difference and truthfully I had no intention of cheating, girl B has tryed it on before and I have actually had to push her off numerous times, I just had a weak moment I think.

I dont think I am going to mention I cheated, is this a bad idea? I really dont want to hurt her or lose her!

[xxazurexx]

Thing is and you have no evidence that gf A isn't being faithful to you. Innocent until proven guilty...and you have no solid proof she is/has cheated and until someone gives you reason to distrust, you should trust them. You could ruin what you have and with gf A, if you allow insecurities to take over and run riot.

It's down to you and whether you fess up that you cheated and do what you think is best in your situation.

Bear in mind that you can also still play dad to these two kiddies you have, even though you are not with gf B anymore. If the ex gets awkward, then go seek advice from a solicitor, who will advise you of your rights.

[IndiReloaded]

I am confused about who cheated. Did all 3 of you cheat at some point?

You - cheater, confirmed
Girl A - cheater?
Girl B - cheater?

Anyway, I think its always a bad idea to enter a relationship with any kind of deceit. Some people are more offended by the lie (and it would be a lie by omission) than the actual deed. Cheating is offensive, but its made even worse by someone who can't own up to it.

You sound very juvenile to me and very self-centred. What do you think the effect of your cheating on your partner might be? Can you think of any reasons why someone would want to know this history?

[Cloud206]

No offence but ...have u ever heard of protection ?I agree with above,your in a tough spot but i would stick with the mother of the kids if she wants to.Kids don't pop out alone.

[xxazurexx]

No offence but ...have u ever heard of protection ?I agree with above,your in a tough spot but i would stick with the mother of the kids if she wants to.Kids don't pop out alone.

Then he'd be in a relationship he wasn't 100% happy in.

He also wouldn't be able to give 100% his all to a relationship and a woman he wasn't happy and contented to be with and even if this woman is the mother of his kids. And it's unfair to the mother and for him to be there for solely the kids sake and not because he loves her. I'd want a man to be with me because he loved me, not because he felt obliged to be there because of the kids. What kind of life would that be for me?

He could still be a dad to these kids, if he isn't with the mother and he doesn't need to be with a woman he doesn't love, to be a dad either.

[marc1983]

Please don't think I don't give a crap about any of this. I know it maybe read really slap happy how I have wrote some of this but I have litrally spent the last 3-4 months in turmoil. I have destroyed my business, lost my house, lost a car and haven't seen my kids since january, I have been seriously fighting a battle that doesnt want to end with no correct direction to take.

I am confused about who cheated. Did all 3 of you cheat at some point?

You - cheater, confirmed
Girl A - cheater?
Girl B - cheater?

Anyway, I think its always a bad idea to enter a relationship with any kind of deceit. Some people are more offended by the lie (and it would be a lie by omission) than the actual deed. Cheating is offensive, but its made even worse by someone who can't own up to it.

You sound very juvenile to me and very self-centred. What do you think the effect of your cheating on your partner might be? Can you think of any reasons why someone would want to know this history?

No, I have cheated on both of them I do know Im a tosser, but it wasn't ment to be like it was. Prior I had never cheated on anyone, but my relationship with Girl B was lacking and rather than be a man and talk it out I was a fool and put it about. Cheating on girl A I done with Girl B on friday, but I was drunk and she come round all done up before she went out, she really put it on me and after 3 months of no sex, animal instinct got the better of me!

I'm honestly not a bastard, although it may read like it here, Im just trying to be honest about it and sort it out. I do really want to own up but at the same time I don't want to damage it how it is and have her be a paranid wreck that Im cheating on her. I honestly won't be doing it again, I feel guilty and resent it, something which I never felt when I was cheating on Girl B.

No offence but ...have u ever heard of protection ?I agree with above,your in a tough spot but i would stick with the mother of the kids if she wants to.Kids don't pop out alone.

None taken the first time I was always under the impression she was on the pill, second time well a year of unprotected sex and you kind of think ok its not going to happen. We were both to blame.

You've now just thrown me back off So you think I should stay wit her for the kids hoping that it may flourish in the future. The kids have really been pulling at my heart strings for me to go back, but I feel its the wrong reason.

[xxazurexx]

I am confused about who cheated. Did all 3 of you cheat at some point?

You - cheater, confirmed
Girl A - cheater?
Girl B - cheater?

Girl B is his ex and mother of his two kids.

He was never 100% happy with Girl B, but she got pregnant within a month and he felt obliged to stay with her, despite feeling she wasn't the right one. He cheated on her a few times....she fell pregnant with second child.

He met Girl A, while still with Girl B

Left for Girl A and because he loved her.

Now thinks Girl A might be cheating because she is away...but has no solid proof she has/is cheating....

Meantime beds Girl B again and because he thinks Girl A might have cheated...

All of the above, is why I said leave Girl B!! Let her go and to find someone else, who will 100% love her, for if he stays with Girl B, who he doesnt really love...he won't change and will always continue to cheat on her and be looking for greener grasses.

[marc1983]

Spot on I'd say apart from I didnt really cheat on Girl A because I thought she had cheated, I done it because I was a drunk idiot

[xxazurexx]

Even though you seem like a bastard, I can sympathise and I can see the situation from your side.

You meet a girl, start seeing her, she says she is on the pill and within a month she is pregnant.

That leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place. With a decision to make, 'should I do the right thing'? A lot of men would have walked and not felt obligated to stay ...

You decide to do the right thing, despite not loving this woman like she should and deserves to be loved. You sacrificed your own happiness and in order not to hurt her.

Many a time I can imagine you did want to talk about how you were truly feeling, but you didn't want to hurt her like you said. Instead and rather than open up and tell her you were not happy and wanted out, you instead look for an escape to your unhappiness and that comes in the form of cheating.....

Now cheating is wrong, everyone knows it is. But it's too late, it happened and it happened I think and because you were unhappy in this situation you felt obliged to be in. The kindest thing you could have done, was to end it.....sometimes ya gotta be cruel to be kind. To be cheated on hurts people more, than a suggesting of a mere seperation does. You played it the wrong way, but what's done is done.

So yeah, I can see it from your point.

Many a guy is caught up in this situation, of having a woman fall pregnant and shortly into the relationship. Even though it takes two to tango and two to make a baby, I can't help but wonder that some women dont try to get themselves deliberatley knocked up and in the hopes of bagging a bloke!!......I know of a few women who stooped to this level anyway.