Love of my life is dating a friend of mine now

[flora]

I am 33 and have only ever had four boyfriends, and only one that I really thought was the "one". We dated for 6 years, from when I was 20 to 26. Towards the end of our relationship, he was accepted to grad school in another state. I moved with him. About 6 months later, I came home one night and he told me he didn't love me anymore and I should start looking for another place. I was absolutely, completely devastated. That night, I packed all of my things and moved back to my home town.

I ended up sinking into a pretty serious clinical depression, and even attempted suicide. The end of this relationship was not the only contributing factor, I was also having trouble finding a decent job, did not really have that many friends who had lived in my hometown, and ended up failing out of the grad school program I had started upon my return.

Luckily, I survived and was able to get the help I needed to recover from the depression, though I am genetically prone to depression and have to be sure to take good care of myself to prevent its return. Because of what I had been to though, I was scared to date or get close to anyone for four years.

Eventually, at 30, I met someone and we dated for a couple of years, though I never really felt the same for him as I had for my old boyfriend. Realizing this, I eventually broke up with him, and this past March I found out that my ex, the love of my life, had moved back to my hometown. We got and touch and eventually, after about two months of dating,, slept together. From my perspective, the old connection was still there, but apparently not for him because after we had sex he never called me again. The only thing I heard from him was comments he put on my facebook page, and he also would occasionally "poke" me on facebook. I was heartbroken all over again, and eventually stopped returning his facebook pokes because it seemed unhealthy.

Two days ago, an old friend of mine from high school came through town, and and she invited a bunch of her old friends out for drinks at a local bar. One of her old friends, was an old friend of mine who I had lost touch with. When this girl, I'll call her Jane, showed up at the bar for drinks, she brought her new boyfriend-my ex-boyfriend who I've never really gotten over. I held it together, and was friendly to them both but was pretty much dying inside.

At the end of the night, when I left, Jane invited me to a party at her house this next Saturday. Not wanting to appear upset, I said I would go, but I really don't think I could handle spending time with them again.

I know it has been so long that I should be over this, but I am rapidly spiraling back down into depression. I haven't even cried over the whole thing, but I can't sleep, can't eat, can't concentrate at work and can think of nothing but him and her together. What makes it worse, is she is a great girl, they have a lot in common, and I can see them having a great relationship. I know it sounds awful to not be happy for them, but I am still single and horribly lonely and am physically ill.

What is wrong with me?

[girl68]

Nothing, but I do think you should avoid both of them and situations where you might encounter them. Have you sought counselling?

[Gigabitch]

Get some help. Seriously. I am very worried about you.

You don't have to hang out with Jane and your ex. You don't owe them anything, and you can't be expected to act as if this doesn't matter. What are you, made of plastic? The guy broke your heart, then slept with you and blew you off. No, you don't have to make chit chat with him at a party, and pretending you can do this is causing you to rupture inside.

I think you should tell him the truth, that seeing him makes you feel ill, that you never got over the breakup and that you think he should stop being so casual about it. His comfort is not your responsibility.

[flora]

Thank you. I have sought counseling before, when I was seriously clinically depressed, but since I have been doing well lately I have not since I don't have good mental health benefits on my insurance. After this though, I think I will just return and pay out of pocket as it is worth it for me to be healthy.

I don't know why, but for some reason I just don't want him to know how much he hurt me. I guess it is just a matter of pride, but I don't want to make them feel weird, or to let him know how badly he fractured my life. I think I will just make up an excuse as to why I will not be going to the party.

[girl68]

If counselling might help and you can pay for it do... Your mind needs to be well.

[Gigabitch]

That pride could be endangering your life.

[flora]

I just am so embarrassed to make a huge thing out of it, since we all have mutual friends, the chances are I will end up running into them again. The town I live in is not that big.

I think the whole thing is that I have been rejected, twice, now by the only person I have ever really loved. It makes me feel like there is something fundamentally broken inside of me, or outwardly, that makes me unlovable. I am not the most attractive person, and have a really hard time meeting people and getting dates. At 33, I am beginning to suspect that I am faced with a future of loneliness and solitude, while everyone else moves on. Apparently, even though he was my everything, and I would have done anything for him, I meant absolutely nothing..

[girl68]

that is your depression talking...

I think maybe you have to put yourself out there a little more, but first you have to get a grip on your depression and the poor self image you have of yourself. You like to think you can do this yourself but I think you might need a little help.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe getting yourself out of that small town might be a good idea, too. I've found that I thrive more when I don't live in my hometown. Is moving an option for you? You don't sound happy there anyway.

[flora]

I have been looking to move for some time now actually, but with the economy it is hard to find work. I work in an industry that tends to be mainly employable through government positions and with all of the states bankrupt, I am having difficulty.

I have actually been thinking of going back to school. I have a decent amount of credit card debt, and some prior student loans, but I have always wanted to be a nurse. I am really interested in the medical field, and it is also much easier to find a work in nursing. I hate to acquire even more dept, but the horrible gut wrenching blow I was dealt this week has kind of made me realize I need to make some pretty big life changes. It may be worth taking out some loans in order to get much better paying job, that I feel like I would really enjoy.

[Gigabitch]

That's a fine idea! Maybe being really busy with nursing school would help keep your mind off of your ex. He certainly doesn't deserve all this space in your heart.

[roy_delene]

I just think you are hurt and feel betrayed. I don't think there's really anything wrong with you. Its a natural reaction to the circumstances you've been in. I would recommend trying to find a new circle of friends. Maybe get involved in some sort of volunteer work with the idea of meeting people and finding new friends. I think the more actively you are in seeking out new friendships the less likely you are to feel depressed.If you can find some sort of activity to keep your mind off your problems it might help. I think I know how you feel, I also suffer from depression and it isn't easy. Some times its just a struggle to get up out of bed in the morning. I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon.

[Teddy057]

Please please please don't let this man ruin the rest of your life. Life is so precious, don't throw yours down the drain because of him. You were in a relationship with this guy 7 years ago, and you need to accept he obviously wasn't the love of your life, because it takes TWO people to make it work. You made it work, and he didn't. It's his loss, not yours. I think what's really hurting you right now is being in the same town as him, although after 7 years I would hope you would be pretty much healed over by now. You ending your past relationship because you didn't love him as much as your ex is something you need to work on. I'm not saying you should have stayed in it, because you shouldn't of if you truly weren't happy. But, if someone is there for you, day in and day out, and at the end of the day that isn't enough because you're still in love with a guy you dated 7 years ago, well then, that's a problem. I think the issue here lies with acceptance. Until you come to terms with that huge slap in the face that happened to you such a long time ago, I don't think you will be happy, with anyone.

I don't mean to sound mean or anything, but it sounds like you feel pretty sorry for yourself too. When I was going through a pretty tough break up, my dad told me I was just dwelling in self-pity and it kind of snapped me out of it. The only thing that's gonna get you through this depression and self-pity is a strong positive attitude, and the right outlook on your situation. There is no pill out there that will make you happy, so don't blame depression and get prescribed some pill. Search within yourself, tell yourself, "Everything is gonna be just fine, I'm better off without him anyway" Because, you know what, you are.