A good time dating, soon to be forgotten

[kalifornia]

Up until 2 weeks ago I was dating a girl that I really liked. (And when I say "girl," I mean "woman." We're both comfortably over 30.)

We dated over 6 weeks and had about a dozen dates. They were all good. We did get intimate rather quickly, and she expressed doubts about that. I was kinda thinking maybe we should have taken it slower, too. We talked about this.

I was honest with her and told her about some of my insecurities. She was honest with me and told me about some majorly screwed-up things that happened to her in her past.

She's busy trying to advance her career. She works a lot. I work a lot. I'm trying to launch a creative endeavor on the side.

Anyway, two weeks ago, We met up for a drink and had a nice time. The next day she texted me and invited me over that night to hang out. We had a good time (no sex, just a drink and some kissing).

The next morning, she calls me and it goes like this:

Her: "You know, I think we got too intimate too fast, and I feel bad. I don't want to hold you back."

Me: "If you're calling me to say we can only be friends and you can't see me for a while, then there's nothing I can do about that. I've just got to move on."

Her: "That's not why I'm calling you."

Over the next week-and-a-half, I called her once and texted her two or three times. She returned my messages with what seemed like "courtesy texts," like she was just doing it just to be, well, polite. She returned my one phone call the day after and kinda busted my chops for even questioning why I hadn't seen her in over a week. She said I knew she was sick. (This was a Thursday and the last I had heard from her was 3 days before in a text. I had no idea she was still sick.) As a side note, she was driving to work and working a few hours here and a few hours there while she was sick. She didn't initiate any contact with me over those two weeks, i.e., yes, she responded to my phone call and a few texts, but she didn't contact me outside of responding to my messages.

I called her last week and left a message saying, "What's up with me not seeing you in 2 weeks? We haven't even talked in a week-and-a-half." She returned with a voicemail saying that I was trying to make it sound like she was to blame and reminding me that she had responded to my phone call and texts.

Today I left her a message and told her honestly that I think she's done with me and all I wanted was one last conversation to clear the air and so that she could tell me what happened. Very doubtful we'll ever have that conversation.

Anyway, life sucks sometimes. You go out with someone, spend a lot of time with them and the dates end with kissing and cuddling. You think some moments are meaningful and it turns out, those moments are rather fleeting. That's the funny thing about those moments in life: reflecting on them, there's a beauty and a sadness all at once.

[lovesjoyajm]

Wow, it really sounds like you jumped the gun with assuming she wasn't interested - never gave her the benefit of the doubt. Why did it always have to be, "I just wanted to have one more conversation, but I guess we won't..." or "It's a bummer that we haven't talked" instead of "I'd like to have a conversation" or "I'd like to see you". Even when she called it, which in my opinion sounds like it was to slow things down a little but not necessarily break it off, you immediately assumed the worst. I would work on that.

[bloodtippedrose]

Im guessing since youre over thirty you really dont want to play around so much with the dating scene so it is understandable why you would be upfront with your feelings. It sucks you guys were hitting it off then she thought it was going too fast. By the 12th date I probably would have done more than kiss. No matter, if it was an excuse she was using or if she just has baggage, you cant force someone to fall for you

[kalifornia]

Wow, it really sounds like you jumped the gun with assuming she wasn't interested - never gave her the benefit of the doubt. Why did it always have to be, "I just wanted to have one more conversation, but I guess we won't..." or "It's a bummer that we haven't talked" instead of "I'd like to have a conversation" or "I'd like to see you". Even when she called it, which in my opinion sounds like it was to slow things down a little but not necessarily break it off, you immediately assumed the worst. I would work on that.

I think you may be right and I'll consider your words. That said, when you're texting and talking to someone for weeks and everything's positive and you're having fun dates, then out of the blue one day she calls you and seems to be wanting to take a break from things, I think it's natural to go "WTF?" Especially when the texts after that phone call are all of the "I'm sick" and "I'm busy, hope you're well" variety. But you might be right and, again, you've given me something to think about.

[kalifornia]

Im guessing since youre over thirty you really dont want to play around so much with the dating scene so it is understandable why you would be upfront with your feelings. It sucks you guys were hitting it off then she thought it was going too fast. By the 12th date I probably would have done more than kiss. No matter, if it was an excuse she was using or if she just has baggage, you cant force someone to fall for you

We did more than kiss by about the 4th date, or maybe it was the 5th. Yep, I know that I can't force a girl to fall for me, which is why I told her, "If you're calling me to tell me we can only be friends and you can't see me for a while, there's nothing I can do about that and I've just got to move on." Of course, I haven't moved on quite yet, but I'm trying.

Anyway, thanks for your response.

[bloodtippedrose]

I think in your phone conversation when she said "i dont want to hold you back" she was fishing for some kindve "youre not holding me back!" or "Of course not!" Ill wait for you kindve response but what she got was that youll move on. so that made her upset and she probably felt used or like youre an insensitive jerk. Then when you didnt ask how she was feeling and wanted to selfishly hang out with her forgetting completely that she had been sick it added to her idea of you being an insensitive jerk.

And saying why haven't I seen you sounds like youre expecting her to make plans to get together with her so she feels like she has to do the work and that shes not worth chasing. And then instead of hearing any kind of apology or getting asked out on a fun date, she gets "lets have a last conversation for closure.." which isnt what she wanted to begin with! it was one miscommunication after the other. just a possible scenario from her point-of-view

[kalifornia]

I think in your phone conversation when she said "i dont want to hold you back" she was fishing for some kindve "youre not holding me back!" or "Of course not!" Ill wait for you kindve response but what she got was that youll move on. so that made her upset and she probably felt used or like youre an insensitive jerk. Then when you didnt ask how she was feeling and wanted to selfishly hang out with her forgetting completely that she had been sick it added to her idea of you being an insensitive jerk.

And saying why haven't I seen you sounds like youre expecting her to make plans to get together with her so she feels like she has to do the work and that shes not worth chasing. And then instead of hearing any kind of apology or getting asked out on a fun date, she gets "lets have a last conversation for closure.." which isnt what she wanted to begin with! it was one miscommunication after the other. just a possible scenario from her point-of-view

Well, I hope you're wrong about that possible scenario because if that is indeed accurate, then I've effed up in a big way because, trust me, she's a beautiful woman and I was really into her. Still am.

I'm trying to get over this girl by listening to Radiohead's "OK Computer." Don't ask me why, but it seems to help.

[bloodtippedrose]

Why not try to make amends instead of trying to get over her?

[kalifornia]

It's probably too late for that, given the voicemail I left her today (which I detail in my initial post above).

One of my two best friends that I have known since I was in my teens gave me some advice today. He's married now but he was dating a lot a few years ago and he went out with a knockout, was totally into her and called her too much. She blew him off. His advice to me: Give this chick her space. Don't call her for at least a week.

[7sins]

It sucks though, but personally i would take your mates advice with a grain of salt. What works for one girl might not work for your girl.

I would personally call her and explain that since she wanted to slow things down it confused you and you didnt want to press the matter. Just tell her the truth. You'll find that being direct with your feelings, and your wrongful interpretation often will work better than expected. Tell her how you feel and ask her to explain her feelings. You guys are 30, but acting like kids.

[kalifornia]

It sucks though, but personally i would take your mates advice with a grain of salt. What works for one girl might not work for your girl.

I would personally call her and explain that since she wanted to slow things down it confused you and you didnt want to press the matter. Just tell her the truth. You'll find that being direct with your feelings, and your wrongful interpretation often will work better than expected. Tell her how you feel and ask her to explain her feelings.

Thanks, I think you're right.

You guys are 30, but acting like kids.

I don't know if you're over 30, but, trust me, LOTS of 30+ year-olds act like kids when it comes to dating. It's pretty much common knowledge that, although you'd think the games would go away when people are over 30, they actually get worse.

[kalifornia]

It's probably too late for that, given the voicemail I left her today (which I detail in my initial post above).

One of my two best friends that I have known since I was in my teens gave me some advice today. He's married now but he was dating a lot a few years ago and he went out with a knockout, was totally into her and called her too much. She blew him off. His advice to me: Give this chick her space. Don't call her for at least a week.

Another thing my friend told me regarding the drop-dead gorgeous chick he dated: He'd go over to her apartment and they'd hang out (they didn't have sex). Before he'd leave, she'd kiss him, as he put it, "like I was going off to war." Serious makeout session every time he was about to leave. Then he'd talk to her on the phone the next day, and she'd be aloof, distant.

It's curious how some women will be totally sweet when you're with them, and then they become different on the phone. They bust your balls a little bit or become aloof or whatever.