Help! Need advice.

[mlwfg4]

First off, I apologize that this is so long. I really would appreciate anyone that is willing to read this and give me some advice!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We just got an apartment together and have really enjoyed it so far. I am very much in love with him. When we first started dating, we were very open with each other. We talked about everything from our pasts to what we want for our futures, our deepest secrets, good and bad, etc. In general, I am very happy with him. I enjoy the time that we spend together and I never get annoyed or tired of being around him. He is a good person.

It seems though, that I can't talk to him about how I feel when it comes to our relationship. If he ever does anything that hurts my feelings, and I try to talk to him about it, he is always defensive and turns it around into what I have done to him, basically saying since I did this or that, what he did was okay so he really isn't sorry for what he did in the first place. He feels like I do the same thing to him. For the most part, when my feelings are hurt, all I want him to do is apologize for the way his action(s) made me feel, and to say that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I don't expect him to apologize profusely and do this or that to make it up to me. And at times I don't care to even say anything, but to just walk away and be by myself, let my feelings be hurt for a little bit, then get over it. But he hates both of those things. When I just try to walk away and be by myself he thinks I'm being a bitch and running away from my problems.

Right now, I am especially sad about something, hence why I am on a relationship advice forum. He has been planning a trip to Vegas with his friends for a long time (before we were together). The friends that he is going with are males and females, and people that he has been friends with for many years. I was going to go with them, but wasn't able to because I started a new job and couldn't take the time off, and they ended up scheduling the trip when my mom was getting married anyway. I have been dreading this trip, not because I don't trust him to go to Vegas without me, but because it would be hard for me to be away from him. I share my entire life with him. I want to tell him everything about my days and come home from work and just be with him. I have been dreading it simply because I know how much I would miss him.

I started grad school this week. I work until 5pm, then have class from 6-830 on Mondays and Wednesdays. I usually go to bed around 930-10 because I have to get up early during the week. Monday when I came home from class, my boyfriends friend was at our apartment hanging out. He left around 930, and after he left my boyfriend said "Do you care if so-and-so and I hang out tomorrow night?" my response was "Well...I mean...do you realize that you're leaving Thursday morning, and I have class Wednesday night?" his response was "Oh...I didn't realize you had class...........so, does that mean you don't want me to hang out with him?" My feelings were very hurt, but I stayed calm. Instead of talking to him about it I just wanted to go and be by myself. He could tell I was upset though, and he started getting defensive. He said "you get mad every time I hang out with me friends." Which---I swear to you---is NOT true. I like that he hangs out with his friends fairly often especially since I really like them all and enjoy spending time with them too, for the most part. The only time I get frustrated that he wants to hang out with his friends is when we haven't gotten to spend any time together and on our free night that is what he wants to do.

SO anyway, he ended up canceling with his friend for Tuesday night, which was great. We ordered a pizza that night and just spent the evening watching TV together, and I enjoyed spending that time with him. I casually asked him if he would fold a load of laundry and straighten up the house a bit the following evening while I was in class (this is another story--but I do 99% of the apartment cleaning and I try very hard to get him to help me. I told him that I was going to need more help when I started school again. We had clean laundry piled up for the past three weeks because I had surgery and was resting so I didn�t keep up with the laundry)�when I asked him to that he snapped at me and said �I�m hanging out with so-and-so tomorrow and I still have to pack!� All I said was okay and continued to enjoy my night with him.

The next day I got home from class around 9. He wasn�t home and the dogs at pooped all over the bathroom floor (which made me think that he didn�t take them out when he got home from work because they don�t usually poop inside the apartment unless they�ve been in there for several hours). I cleaned up the poop and him and his friend got back to the apartment. They started watching TV and I took a load of the unfolded laundry and went into the bedroom to start folding it. He came in and kissed me and it made me feel better about the whole situation. I tried staying up later hoping that he would take his friend home (his friend lives 20 minutes away and doesn�t drive because he has had several DWIs) and we could go to bed together. At about 1030 I was tired and they didn�t show signs of leaving, so I laid down. He came in and kissed me goodnight and said he was going to take his friend home soon. I woke up then, at 5 am, to him putting his shoes in the dryer (loud as SHIT). He then got in bed and when I realized it was 5am I asked if he�d been awake this whole time. His response was �No, I�ve been sleeping on the couch.� This, too, hurt my feelings�but probably mostly just because my feelings were already really hurt. Anyway, he left for Vegas and we didn�t talk about anything. I prefer to really think through things before I say how I feel because I am so afraid of getting into an argument.

He has been in Vegas for two days. He left me know when he got there, then tonight I got a couple of text messages from him in the middle of my mom�s wedding. We ended up later talking about things via text message (stupid, I know)�he kept saying he didn�t know what he did wrong. I said �Is it difficult for you to spend this time away from me because you miss me?� and he said that it was difficult. I said �Okay. Me too. Is it difficult for you to spend this time away from Brandon (his friend) because you miss him?� he said no. My response was:

�Then why did you HAVE to hang out with him before you left? I�ve been dreading this trip because I knew how much I�d miss you. I share my entire life with you and being away from you for several days at a time is hard for me. That night I wanted to come home and cuddle up with you and just be with you before you left. You not wanting that also has made me question how I think you feel about me.� His response was: �I don�t know what to say. Do you honestly think that because I hung out with Brandon that I don�t care about you?� I feel that this was clearly not what I said. I feel that what I said had a much deeper meaning to it. He got super defensive and started saying that anytime he wants to talk about how he feels that I turn it into being about me. I was confused about where that came from. He kept being defensive and mad, and then I asked him if it would have been that difficult to give me a little reassurance about his feelings for me and be nice about how shitty I felt rather than get defensive and be more hurtful. He ended up apologizing but continued to be short with me.

So, I apologize for this ridiculously long story. I�m thankful if anyone actually read it all. Is this normal? Does anyone else experience the same types of things? Is it stupid that my feelings were hurt in the first place? Am I the one being a bitch? What are your thoughts????

Thanks.

[hello1]

He sounds like an total ass to me. Its down to control and he has it all.