Lost love should I be friends?

[turbomx3]

Ok I'm feeling the first thread so maybe you guys can give me some advice on this problem:

I met this girl in a night club and straight away we hit it off , I was so happy as I'd had a string of bad girlfriends but was single fro 6 months before i met her I had also lost my mum which had an effect on me i'm not sure if any of that info bears any relevance you guys and gals tell me! We got on really well when i met her the first thing i thought was wow you really are so georgeous 100% we had our ups and downs during the 2 1/2 years but hey who doesn't last week she called me and said that it was over and that she didn't love me anymore. I have no idea why or what I did (she said i did nothing and i'm perfect)! i really don't understand!

Here’s some background:

Her parents moved to Thailand when she started Uni 2 years ago and that was fine we saw each other pretty much every week (I used to drive over to see her). I used to put 100% of my love into the relationship and I’d still try and squeeze a bit more in.

After her folks left she got distant we talked about it and she understood and continually said that things will be better especially after Uni. During the second year things got ropey due to her doing her Uni thing which I chilled out with, I mean when you love someone you compromise I wanted to see her more but she had work to do and wanted to hang with friends.

During this time she was going away to Thailand to visit her parents which although I didn't like (as every holiday she got she was gone my birthday, xmas, new years, her birthday) I understood (their parents so of course she's going to want to see them). Then into her third year it was coming up to her birthday so I arranged a trip to Paris (Yes I paid) initially she whinged as she wanted me to change the date so that she could go and watch her friends do Jujitsu! The plans didn't change and we went to Paris she constantly said how much she loved me and always will.

A week later I got a call, I could tell from her tone that something was wrong and she just said that it wasn't working and that we should split as she doesn't love me anymore. I hung up the phone had a cigarette then called her there was no reply so I jumped into my car and drove to see her (not forgetting this is a 1 1/2hr drive) when I saw her she was crying and saying not yet she said that she wished she had met me after uni! I asked her if there was a snowball chance in hell of us getting back together even after Uni she didn’t answer but she did programme my phone to call her in August.

She wants to be friends as I always said we were best friends as well as lovers but I'm not sure. After 21/2 years I can't just go from total love to being a friend! I don't feel so bad now it's only been a week since she dumped me (friends have been keeping me upright) weekends are bad as that’s when we used to see each other. I tried going out to nightclubs but I just want her back I don’t actually want anyone else. But hey I know that's life she made her choice I can’t change that (oh by the way she did offer to pay me back for Paris).

I really really loved this girl! I mean if love were planets mine would have been a solar system and she would have been the sun. The thing is I realise things were strange as she wanted to hang out with friends Mon, Tues, Wed, Thur & Fri and do work at the weekend which meant she couldn't see me. But that was not her reason it was because she didn't love me anymore and she didn't feel excited when I came over anymore!

As I said she wants to be friends as I'm her first real love but I can't do it....No I don't want to be just a friend I have to be true to myself but it's a hard choice to make I wrote her a text saying that I don’t want to be friends and I’m going to give her the text on Sunday when I drop her clothes off! But I’m thinking should I wait and hope she wants me back (that doesn't usually happen when you fall out of love) or should I just be happy with being friends( I don't want to be just friends).

If you want I can type my text if anyone wants to read it and advise if I’m being harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

P.s. she is still receiving hallmark cards from me and I know she still reads them which is also hard as those are a window to my heart and soul telling her how I feel! I also spoke to her yesterday and she started crying as she thought I was over her. I don’t want to hurt her but like her I have to do what’s best for me now especially if there is no us!

Also for all the ladies out there how does someone just fall out of love? I don’t get it if the person your with is perfect why lose that perfection is it fear? I just don’t get it! I’m stronger now as I refuse to let anyone destroy my spirit but I don’t want to love again which is the worst part as I have so much love to give!

[some1there]

Darn, that sounds pretty horrible for you! Can I ask, during her 2nd year and 3rd year of uni did you have any subtle hints that things weren't quite right? Perhaps a change in her moods or attitude? Just curious...

You obviously think that the significant event that caused her to "fall out of love with you" is her parents moving to Thailand. Was she living with her parents whilst at uni? If so - perhaps without her parents she wanted to explore more of life (which was easily accessable from the fun student lifestyle)? Also, if her parents moving to Thailand was pivotal in her life, is she now considering a move to Thailand too?

My honest opinion... You've obviously dated this girl from the beginning of her uni life (probably during the first months of her starting). University is a little like a kid in a candy store...except rather than candy its guys, work, parties, drinking etc. Obviously she was due to finish her studies very soon (being in her 3rd year) maybe she felt like she'd not lived her uni life to the max? Compound this with the distance between you.

Listen - I don't doubt that you have been really "big" in her life, it's obviously worked between you otherwise you wouldn't have had 2 1/2 years together. Cheesey but be grateful for the time you had

[turbomx3]

Things did change pretty much after her parents went away! During the 2nd year she hung out with her friends more which I thought was cool as I still saw her and she was getting work done! I'm not sure if she's going to move to Thailand!

When her parents moved the change did creep in I think it's because her family are real close. I mean she said the reason for the break up wasn't another guy as she doesn't want a boyfriend yet but was due to wanting to totally hang out with her friends and do her dissertation (which i do understand). She was saying that i'm a perfect boyfriend and it wasn't my fault and she wants to be friends but if I don't want to she definetly wants me to contact her in August after Uni?

Another weird thing is when I told her I was ok with talking to her and not hurting so much she started crying?? I really don't get that! As it made me have to go straight back into Boyfriend mode to cheer her up and boost her confidence.

I'm cool with the break up (well not cool it hurts but am ok with knowing that life is life) I mean you gotta let the bird out the cage and if it flies away it was never yours but if it returns it'll be yours forever.

And I text her recently and said we could go out for one last meal on Sunday when I drop of her stuff but I don't want to do that now either as I text her a couple of days ago and she hasn't really bothered texting back. The thing is I don't really need a friend like that! Don't get me wrong I will drop the stuff off! But the meal thing I don't think I want to do anymore.

The question is I was like her bestfriend when we were together but thats mainly due to us actually going out with each other now were not and I'm just not sure whether to be friends with her. I mean I don't want to be some devious type of bloke who is only hanging around to get her back as that direspects both her and the relationship we had but if we weren't friends I honestly would be fine with that as it would help me finish healing. Also how the hell have I become alright so quickly I'm not interested in anyone else and I'm not with anyone else so why am I pretty cool about all this?

[turbomx3]

Oh the distance was never a real problem because if she called I was there (I remember one time I drove for an hour and a half to pick her up from a rough train station to take her home which was only a few mins walk all because the taxi's around that area were dodgy as hell) No if's or buts! as it's only 50 miles and i love driving. The only thing is I have to decide by Sunday (she doesn't know this) and I'm not sure what to do! She was living with her parents till the beginning of her first year at Uni. The thing is i'm gratreful for the time but a little peeved as it feels like as a boyfriend I was always putting everything in but getting little back. None of my friends are like that we all put in she's asking to be a friend but from the example so far she wants to act the same as before and i will not accept a friend like that. Also I know I don't actually need her as a friend if an ex and I break up I don't actually bother staying in contact as I feel a friendship is still a relationship of sorts and if you know the person is someone who would not be either a good friend or good for me why bother? I do still love her loads (i'm not going to tell her again though) but I feel getting her out of my life fully will help me and thats what I have to think about but then again is it fair as I have had a big influence on her life. Also I really get on well with her dad who i'd much prefer as a friend than her?

[turbomx3]

Oh well I went round there I took back all her stuff including the photo's she gave me and all her stoopid little notes! But then when she saw the stuff she started crying and I felt bad so now the stoopid photo's are back at mine (god I can be so weak sometimes). And she also persuded me to be friends but I've deleted her number, texts and thrown away bills which have her number on them! I just don't think i'll be friends even though she wants to not yet anyway maybe far far in the future!