i don't understand my boyfriend!!! ;(

[gigigi4]

my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 1/2 years now. we generally click really well, share a lot of interests in common, have a great time together, etc. but we have had a major recurring issue that is making me doubt the relationship. basically, we don't spend that much time together- we maybe see each other once a week. he can also be really flaky about plans, like he says we'll do something and then backs out last minute. it is not a long distance relationship and i feel like this isn't normal for a long-term couple in a monogamous relationship. this is his choice- i have told him repeatedly that this is a problem for me and even though he has often promised to make an effort to change this, he hasn't, at least not for more than a week or so. i also have always felt that he is not as committed to me as i am to him. he knows that I love him but he is inconsistent in how he expresses his feelings for me- he has told me he loves me but then at other times has said he has doubts. we are very close in some ways and we've supported each other through a lot and he has told me i am one of the most important people in his life but in other ways i always feel a distance from him. after being together this long, i feel that he should know what he wants and if he doesn't, then maybe he has never really loved me the way i love him.
after a huge fight about this issue about a month ago, right before a planned vacation together, we decided to take the vacation time to work through our issues and then either take the relationship to the next level (seeing each other often, maybe talk about moving in together). we had an amazing time on the trip and agreed to continue the relationship in a more committed way once we got back. but now i feel like he has already reverted to his old pattern and i am feeling very resentful- to the point where i'll overreact to small things.
is this relationship ever going to work? what is going on here??
anyway, sorry this is so long...thanks for reading. i appreciate your advice...

[TheTooya]

Another problemis people change over time... thats what im experiencing right now with my gf.

3 years... its easy for change. The honey moon phase is way gone... it really may be a good idea to have a talk with him to see... what both of you want in the future. I know thats vague, I can;t really be of more help, I have never been where you are...

[Cloud206]

Nothing chances people, they choose to change so if he is another man now tell him and, sadly since it's not making you happy anymore you got to do what you got to do.

[gigigi4]

thanks for you advice...i guess i will have to talk to him to find out where his head is at...it's so hard, i love & want to be with him, but can't stand feeling like his lowest priority anymore...;(

[xxazurexx]

Similar situation to one I was in. Over 2 years for us, ldr and he never kept promises either. He got loads of chances to change, but things didn't improve so I ditched his ass.
Didn't want to end it, but there was no other way.

If you aren't happy and he's not giving you what you want, then talk to him. If he refuses to listen/change, then you are gonna have to be strong and end this. Life is too short to be sitting waiting around for someone/someone to change, because they rarely ever do and the time you are wasting sitting around, could be spent on some other guy who is worthy of it.

[lahnnabell]

The fact that he says he wants to work on this with you, but fails to follow through isn't good. However, have you volunteered to help him work on this? Relationships take two, and any work being done on one person's end needs to be supported by the other partner. Simply throwing out orders and saying, "Fix this, or else we're gonna have issues" isn't really fair.

Start by explaining exactly what you would like him to do. Do you want him to call more? Make plans more? How many days in a week do you want to see him? If you really want him to know that you're serious, you need to take a giant step back and leave the ball in his court. If he wants to talk to you, he can call you. If he wants to see you, he can make plans WITH YOU. If you're still bending over backwards to fit him into your schedule, then he's got no reason to improve his own behavior. He's grown comfortable that you'll be there.

I know you're worried that if you don't take the initiative that you'll never see him. But one person cannot carry the weight of the relationship. You'll get a better picture of him if you give him some space. See how he reacts to missing you. If he still fails to reciprocate, then you've got a real problem. That's when you need to address whether or not it's good for you two to remain in a relationship. But he can't miss you if you're always waiting in the wings.

[gigigi4]

you're so right lahnnabell...it's really hard for me not to contact him because i love him and want to be in contact and also i like to avoid conflict (which def hasn't helped the situation...), but we have both established this pattern- it's not good for me to keep feeling resentful and getting upset at small things...not productive at all...i'm going to wait until he calls and then tell him specifically what i'm needing from him in the relationship, ask him what he needs from me and how we can make this happen.
thank you so much!!

[Mister Wizard]

I was under the impression that he understood what you wanted from the relationship. But it seems to me, that he doesn't want to lose his freedom, his ability to do things on his terms. Its almost like he does love you, but not enough to change how he already is. He likes the space probably, or maybe he isn't ready for any kind of commitment. From the way you're saying he's inconsistent, it seems like he's not really that invested in the whole thing. Hopefully its not the case, but unfortunately, if he's not willing to put in the effort, it may not be worth it.

[skalman]

Hello gigigi4.

Not going too deep into your particular situation,i would still like to share some insight coming from past experience. Like you i have been involved in a longtime relationship with my better half,and you could say that the experience has been very "colorful" in every possible way. Looking back i honestly feel that a lot of the problems we had was due to my lack of real commitment, and the fact that i can se this so clearly now when the relationship is over feels terrible. However we tend to live in the moment and grasping the whole picture of what we have can be a daunting task. Knowing only so much about your relationship i really cant give you any correct conclusion,but if your man is anything like me he really loves you a great deal,but showing it in the right way may cause problems. I myself loved my girl(still do) but fell in the trap of taking things for granted. Everyday interactions became so you could say normal that the relationship suffered from this. You wrote that you have a lot of things in common and thats a very good thing. If you enjoy doing activities together and i suspect you do,it really helps keeping the relationship on a higher level.
Dont make the mistake with taking to much of his so called freedom away,it will only cause you more trouble. All men need this,but the question is how willing your partner is to make the necessary changes in his life so you may share a prospecting future together. Talking to him about what you need and want from the relationship is a good start,but if he cant follow on his promises tells me two things. That he doesn't really grasp the reality where the relationship may be headed with his inactions. I suspect this is the case,and not that he doesn't love you as much as you love him.
I hope you can talk things true,and that he realizes the situation you are currently in.

[gigigi4]

hi skalman,
thank you so much for your post...your perspective really gave me a different insight into the situation and i appreciate it. we have met and talked today. our meeting went well and i do feel more hopeful about the situation. i don't want to take his freedom away, tell him what to do or not to do (i want to be his partner/girl, not his mom or something and i know this is important to him), but as you say it's difficult where to draw the line between his feeling freedom and taking me for granted. i know he is a really good person and has never intentionally tried to hurt me...