please help me... 3 years of dating & he wants a "break"

[mc1787]

this is very long, but i've been in a new city for 1 week, no friends, 7 hrs from any family… please help me

i am 22; my "boyfriend" is 24. i guess i'll use the term "boyfriend" for this post… too painful to call him anything else.

we have been together for a little over 3 years. since the first day we started talking, not one day has passed where we did not speak with one another. we are/were? best friends… told each other everything/supported one another/relied on one another/etc… BUT the entire relationship has been long distance

we met while we were attending different universities for our undergrad degrees. we got to visit each other every month though, and during academic breaks (summer, xmas, thanksgiving, spring, etc…) we spent longer durations of time together. regardless, it was a very serious relationship, and i know this (in regards to our feelings for one another/commitment to one another)

we BOTH talked in detail about marriage/kids. i didn't "read into" anything. he made statements about OUR future TOGETHER all the time. we were never officially engaged, but we both admitted that we thought of one another as each other's fiance… he gave me a diamond promise ring & we were waiting to get officially engaged once we had both graduated form college & he had the money for an engagement ring (full time students + spending what little money we did have on gas, etc to see one another every month= a fairly broke couple).

last month we both graduated & we had started "apartment-hunting." we both were so excited (or so he came off that way) about FINALLY starting our lives together-- with one another!

it came closer to the time where we needed to find a place to live together (b/c i was moving to further my education... i'm taking a post-bacc. certificate program for my career). once he secured a full time job, we would move in together (we BOTH agreed that i would do this certificate thing for 3 months, while he worked. then, he could go to grad school if he wanted, & i would work).

since it looked like he wouldn't have a job by the time i started school, i moved into the dorms last week. for the first time in our 3+ years together, we were only an 1 hr & 20 mins from one another (as opposed to what it had been… 4 hours). he talked about how happy this made him-- to be closer to me.

ironically, last week (around the same time i moved into the dorms) he accepted a "temp-to hire" full time job. he was excited & continued to make statements about our future… i thought the proposal was just around the corner. monday he visited me & we had a great "date night" together.

then, thursday night, he writes me a long email. i wont post the whole thing, as it is very long, but here is some of it:

_________

I feel like I'm standing on a launch pad waiting to be shot off into my "official life." And the closer it gets to launch time, and the more things keep changing, the more I start to think and worry. I start thinking "wait, I'm not ready! I'm not completely sure about everything." This grown up stuff has really come up on me quickly, and now that it's all here, I feel like I have to scramble to make sure everything is in place in order to start the life that I am sure about.

I feel like I've been speeding through my early adult life in a daze. And now that this is all coming to a point where I need to be able to stand on my own two feet, I need to take it seriously- to get back in touch with myself and to be honest with myself about my wants and needs.

*HE THEN ASKED FOR A "BREAK" …STATING HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY SPECIFICS OF WHAT IT WOULD ENTAIL, INCLUDING ITS DURATION*

I just know I would be doing myself a huge disservice if I didn't take just a little bit of time before starting my official life to make sure I'm doing everything right. In fact, our plans to be together and to begin a family doesn't feel wrong at all. But at the same time, it is scary because this is the last opportunity I have to take some time to reassess everything before making that first huge step by moving away from home.

I need to do this before I can move on with anything in life- to think about things (not just us, but also what i want in a career, etc). I need to feel like I am in control of my future- to both reflect on my past and visualize where I want to be.

…I love you and care about you. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are always so wonderful. I am very sorry because I know how much I am hurting you right now, especially at this time when you're just starting at a new school. Just know that I wouldn't put you through this if I didn't feel it was so important.
_________________

I am BLOWN AWAY! i didn't see this coming at all! he was always talking about our future… up until Thursday! i thought i would be planning a wedding soon! im crushed… im in so much pain, it hurts to be awake. my body is literally sore. one reason i chose the school that i am currently enrolled in, is because it was closer to his home (his parents' house). now im 7 hrs away from my family, & he wants out?

He texted me yesterday (the day after it happened)-- saying hi-- i didn't respond. im too hurt.

PLEASE GIVE ME THOUGHTFUL & OBJECTIVE ADVICE…

Here is a little what I'm thinking:

-A relationship is not something you take a "break" from--- you work together when you're struggling as individuals; the relationship is a support system- not a burden

-If he REALLY loved me… he wouldn't be doing this… would he?

-i talked to him on the phone that night he sent the email… he said he still loves me, but we wouldn't say "i love you" if we talked over the phone during this "break"

-we've been LONG DISTANCE- how do u want a BREAK when we only see each other monthly!?

-he is having doubts of whether or not i am in his future (as his wife), then why do i want to be with someone like that?

I can't imagine not being with him, but at the same time, should I risk being with someone who is so scared about his future, he's questioning me, his best friend?

I am so in love with him… I miss him terribly. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on school. AND IT'S BEEN 1 DAY!

The big question is, if he decides he wants to continue things, what do I do? No matter what happens now-- the minute that email was written- the trust in the relationship was broken. How can I go on being with someone, assuming if he wants to be with me, knowing that he had such serious doubts about us, that he needed time without me-- after 3 years!? I have so much anger towards him now… if we ever were officially together again, i don't know how i'd "let go" of those feelings.

PLEASE help me

[Alvy]

How many other girlfriends has he had before you? In fairness to him, he's 24, still very young, you can't blame him for being scared of settling down with marriage and kids. And no offense, but a 3 year relationship is not very long relative to how many other relationships you'll have down the road. You're 22 and you sound ready to start a family already. He isn't. If you try to force him back, it'll only cause more issues for the both of you later on.

Plus you said it yourself, why be with someone who has doubts about seeing you as a potential wife?

[lahnnabell]

Isn't it strange how men claim to be unable to remember to do certain tasks you ask of them, or when someone's birthday is, and yet they seem able to think with TWO DIFFERENT sets of emotion at one time? i.e. He's getting excited about starting life with you AND he's freaking out about it at the same time. My guess was his excitement was a part of your excitement, but when he was alone with his thoughts, doubt would creep in.

Statistically, males need more time to grow up. In my experience, this includes an array of things. Emotional maturity, continuing/finalizing education, job searching, relationships. The majority of guys I know were well into their 20's before really embarking on a solid path, most were content for a long time to live day to day, unsure of what they would do next while filling the empty space with video games and beer. I applaud your guy for getting his stuff in order so quickly, but I can also see how this makes him feel like he's grown up too fast.

Combine that with the progress of your relationship and he's probably feeling like he's missed out on being a big kid (the early to mid-20's stage of floating through life without direction). Even I went through that. Provided that most of us live well into our 60s and 70s, there is a lot of time to be grown up. And I also know that my male friends have had a particular difficulty with aging, whereas my female friends have not.

All of this is just to give you an idea of where his head might be at. I think it's wonderful that he spoke to you honestly; however, I do think he should have waited to have this conversation face-to-face. An e-mail can come off as cold and cowardly no matter how many "I love you's" you put in it. I'm guessing once he got up the gall to finally say something about his feelings, he needed to do it before he could talk himself out of it, hence the sudden e-mail. That, and he might've feared how you'd take it.

The best thing you can do is give him the space he asks for. Be that woman he fell in love with. The goal-oriented, strong, independent person that you know you are. No one is attracted to anxiety or neediness. So, messaging him with tirades of your love for him, or calling him just to hear his voice is OUT. Not an option. You want him to WANT to come to you. Forcing him to do so will only drive him away. And even if it does bring him back to you, you'll forever worry if it's what he really wanted or if it was just to satisfy your need.

You don't need him to be a whole person. I know it's difficult to get on with life right now, but you can do it. Situations like this are like little life tests. You can take it and transform it into any situation you like, but you have to approach it the right way and with the right mindset. Good luck

[iceblue]

Well there is sort of a "bright side"... If your boyfriend wants a break it's not a break up and the end of your relationship. Just the fact that he's not completely breaking up with you is good since it means he's not over you and means he still wants you in his life to some degree; he still wants some level of a relationship. Him initiating a break is not fair to you though, because if you agree to it, then it's like he has the "power" while all you can do is sit around and wait for him. So I say don't call him, email him, or text him. Let him have the space he asked for - in fact, give him so much space that he misses you and needs you again. The more completely you can break contact with him, the quicker he'll miss you and the faster you can get him "back." There's no use fighting him over it. As much as it hurts, you're gonna have to accept it (or break up if you don't) and hopefully he'll realize sooner than later that he does want to be with you.

[Gigabitch]

The ugly perspective, gained through years of posting in this forum:

He's asking for a break because he's met someone he desperately wants to have sex with. This turns out to be the case SO MUCH of the time, it can't be ignored.

Sure, maybe your boyfriend isn't "that guy".

But he probably is.

[pclepel]

He's scared...take it from a guy who's been in the same position he's in. He's afraid of committment, and it sounds like he's feeling lost in the many areas of his life.

The two of you should contact someone who can help you and him grow and solidify what sounds like an awesome deep relationship. Google Erwan Davon and visit his homepage (erwandavon.com)...I took some courses at his organization that totally changed my life and the way I looked at committment. I saw that I had nothing to be scared of, in relationship or any other area of life. Send him an email and ask some questions, he always answers. And check out his blog.

Probably the most important thing in your situation is don't pull him. Just say how much the relationship meant to you, and that you'd like to do something to move it forward, rather than give up on it. If he's not into it begging is only going to make it worse. Either way getting expert advice will have YOU to grow from it. Again, take it from a guy who had the same experience...

Good luck!

[VincenzoG91]

The ugly perspective, gained through years of posting in this forum:

He's asking for a break because he's met someone he desperately wants to have sex with. This turns out to be the case SO MUCH of the time, it can't be ignored.

Sure, maybe your boyfriend isn't "that guy".

But he probably is.

Yep. And 20-something guys generally don't volunteer to take a break from sex, so unless your break is a FWB-deal, he has somebody else lined up. Actually, either way, he probably has someone else anyway.

[cmacattack1]

Yep. And 20-something guys generally don't volunteer to take a break from sex, so unless your break is a FWB-deal, he has somebody else lined up. Actually, either way, he probably has someone else anyway.

Not always the case. I kind of wanted space and a break from my ex and there was nobody else involved. Everybody is different, the point is that the end result is the same, regardless of whether somebody else is involved or not.

I'm sure you would like a reason to know why this has to come to an end, but the reasons aren't so much as important as the fact that it won't change how somebody feels. You can't convince him of feeling different if this is how he feels. Even if you do, he would most likely just be humoring you. Take in as much information from this break up as you can, but don't torture yourself with the thought of him chasing after other people. If this is what he wants, let him have it. Don't give him anything for free if you aren't his girlfriend. You don't owe him anything.