Frustrated Married Guy Here

[InspectorGadget]

Here's my situation: I'm a man, in my mid-30s, married a little more than five years, and we have a son who is nearly a year old. The relationship between me and my wife is pretty good overall; however, I am extremely dissatisfied with our sexual incompatibility. The main point of disagreement will probably not surprise anyone; I have a high sex drive and her libido is very low. Yes, I know it's to be expected in the first few weeks after a chid is born. Of course, we have much less couple time now than in the past.

However, what really bothers me is that she appears to be totally disinterested in sex. I have really taken that very personally. Regardless of what she says, I totally do not believe that she finds me sexually attractive. I've long felt I'm a fairly attractive guy, and I get a fair amount of compliments from female colleagues - especially if I'm dressed up especially nice. Even so, I've also felt for many years that women, by and large, don't find me attractive and I believe they judge me negatively. This feeling is stronger now than it ever has been, and it makes me extremely depressed and non-confident in social interactions in pretty much any walk of life.

Some of you will tell me I need to see a therapist. I've been there, done that, with very few results to show for the time and money spent.

What's truly hilarious is that my wife makes comments that she thinks other women have a crush on me, or she has dreams that I had an affair (I've never cheated). However, through her own actions, she doesn't show any apparent interest. She expects me to pursue her all the time. I don't feel like getting shot down. I also don't go out of my way to schedule any dates for us. I spend so much time working that I want to spend as much time with my son as I can.

Many times, I think I should end the relationship but I want to stay in this for my son, and because it would kill us both financially to split up.

I know some people will say I'm being selfish, but I think my feelings are real and need to be addressed. I have tried talking about this with her, and she says that things will change, but I don't see a whole lot that tells me she's making a legitimate effort at working on the relationship. Most of the time, I feel angry at her and either blow up about small things, or I'm just passive-aggressive.

Thank you for reading all of this. I appreciate any honest feedback that you offer.

[Gigabitch]

Okay, so you've been to a therapist about your self-confidence issues, but have you been to a marriage counselor with your wife? It might help to have a third party point out that she's not participating physically in the marriage. This is a really important thing to be aware of after the birth of a child. parents get so focused on the kidlet that they neglect each other. I think she's neglecting you. Tell her you want to go and see someone about it. Maybe she doesn't understand how important it is.

[Kaius]

You already set the ball in motion with your attitude. You two will inevitably divorce eventually. Sorry.
I went through this...and I was okay with no sex. But she started to disregard me on other things,
and I knew I had to leave.

[vashti]

You have a little baby! The hormones don't even begin to approach normal until a year postpartum, and usually, women are pretty exhausted when the kids are little and so incredibly needy. Combine THAT with the fact that you are also needy, yet unwilling to wine and dine her like you probably did before she had the baby, and the end result was predictable.

i think you should schedule a regular night out once a week with a babysitter, and start taking your wife out again. If you want her to treat you like a girlfriend would, you've got to treat her like one.

[doppelgaenger]

Have you tried sucking up to her? Never keep a woman waiting and treat them with respect. Give her massages. Kiss her on the cheek and stuff.
Just because her libido isn't low doesn't mean you can't turn her on. If you're as attractive as you say you are, it should be no problem for you if you just put a little effort into it.

[Olderandwiser49]

You indicate that you're depressed, but how about your wife? Post-partum depression is a very real illness, and it often goes undiagnosed. You also said that you don't take her out on dates because you're busy all the time, and want to spend as much time as possible with your son. Maybe you are neglecting her, which contributes to her neglecting you. It is easy to focus on the new addition to the family, but your son is the product of your love for your wife, and, one day, he will leave. She needs to be reminded that she is the love of your life, and while you're at it, remind yourself of that fact, too. Good luck.

[Sonrisa]

what i find interesting is that vashti is almost always on the girls' side and Giga is on the guys' side.

i'll be taking vashti's side and also say that women are the only ones going through major changes after the birth of a child. mentally and physically they are greatly affected on all levels. what she needs now now is a GOOD friend who will hold her hand and help her through those major changes, instead of a whiny husband who complains about sex and blows up for no reason.

[vashti]

what i find interesting is that vashti is almost always on the girls' side and Giga is on the guys' side..

Really? Is that true? I hadn't noticed that... I thought I was an equal opportunity hater. lol

[Sonrisa]

this subject comes up on a daily basis. i feel that man are so out of touch with reality that they really have no concern about what their women are going through, cuz all they want is sex. and a lot of people are just encouraging them to leave their families.

[Barefoot]

I am in a very similar situation to yours. We haven't had a sexual relationship in years and are basically roommates. Sex was always a problem and it's clearly never going to get better. I've managed occasional sex with friends, but I hate sneaking around, and I want it more regularly. We have no children, and people think I'm crazy I've been in it so long. Therapists especially.

You're not alone. This is a common problem. Some women seem to delight in denying their husbands sex. I was talking with a female friend about this just yesterday. She had some unkind words for some younger spoiled country club coworkers who were so proud of how many months they could string along their husbands. Do a search for 'sexless marriage' and you'll get lots of hits, and it's hardly all men complaining.

It's a difficult choice to make. I clearly haven't been able to push myself over the edge, but I think this summer is the time. I just turned 40 and don't want to spend any more time stewing. I think it's a matter of finally standing up for my own needs and self-confidence. Your situation is of course different, but you only live life once. Definitely talk things over with a therapist or someone you really value and trust. But the simple fact is if you're physically incompatible it's just not going to work. I wish I'd owned up to that a long time ago, and been more experienced before we got married.

Barefoot

[Jcag]

what i find interesting is that vashti is almost always on the girls' side and Giga is on the guys' side.

i'll be taking vashti's side and also say that women are the only ones going through major changes after the birth of a child. mentally and physically they are greatly affected on all levels. what she needs now now is a GOOD friend who will hold her hand and help her through those major changes, instead of a whiny husband who complains about sex and blows up for no reason.

I am also in a very similar situation. My wife and I have a three and half year old son. Sex has been scant (to be generous), since he was born. I've talked about things with my wife and she tells me I just need to be patient. I understand that things are different with children, especially the first couple years when they are still in diapers. I love my wife, and my heart is here at home, but how patient can I be. Really!?!

So here's the thing: It's not fair to say that women are the only ones who go "through major changes after the birth of a child." I acknowledge the obvious physical difference, and I have held her hand and helped her through this transition, but after nearly four years when does the transition end??? Besides, hoving NO sex drive is not a healthy (I hesitate to use the word normal) condition.

The other thing is that women are not the only ones who have hormones. An excess of male hormones, with no other release, is often expressed as excessive aggression and "blowing up for no reason"! If you suddenly had no food, by the end of the day you would be starving and it would be all you'de be able to think about. You would be the worst kind of person if you went out to eat, and if your spouse had a supply of food but refused to share, you'de eventually build resentment. Not a healthy situation by any means. Think about it!

[pclepel]

Google Erwan Davon Teachings. It's an awesome alternative to therapy. There's nothing wrong, you guys (like EVERYONE ELSE) just don't know how to have a long term relationship, because none of us ever were educated on that. We either assumed we knew or picked up some advice on the street (does that fly in any other area of life???)

Sex can get better and better. Her sex drive can increase consistently with time. You can be having better sex after 20 years of marriage than you did in the first few months of the relationship.

Knowledge is key, especially when it comes to sex!

[killeen]

Another reason your wife may not be interested in sex could be, once women become mothers, they sometimes have a hard time splitting the wife/mother role. If she's breastfeeding, she may not see her breasts as sexual. If she's carrying extra weight still, that could also play into it. Stretch marks, etc. There could be many reasons! Just like some men have a hard time seeing their wive's as sexual beings after witnessing them giving birth. Keep the lines of communication open, talk to your family doctor, and yes, date nights are a great idea. When your wife makes comments about women flirting, or you having an affair, she's telling you she's insecure, she knows she's denying you, and is obviously feeling guilty over it. How was your sex like before the baby? Keep trying......