Unsure

[KellBell]

So I'm new to this site and I'm hoping it's as beneficial as my friend tells me it is.

I'm kind of confused on whether or not I'm making the right choice being with my boyfriend. We met on a sort of blind date. My friend set us up telling him that what he described he was looking for was me. We texted, talked on the phone a bit before we met, and when we did, it was surprisingly comfortable and easy going. We went out a few times on a double date with my friend and her boyfriend, and just two days ago he finally asked me out. It's only been a month since we've known each other.

There's just something that worries me about him. He's the type of guy I would never go up and introduce myself to. He's gorgeous to most girls and is approached a lot at bars. Due to the past, I'm the type of girl that is paranoid of getting cheated on. With him, I'm not so much. I feel like I should be because he has horribly wandering eyes, goes out a lot with the guys, and loves strip clubs. I would never tolerate that with any other bf.

I'm just not sure if I'm fooling myself or if my gut is telling me to run; if it's the fact that he's SO different than the other boyfriends I've wanted that draw me to him. I like him a lot. He's extremely giving, never lets me pay for anything unless I make a deal with him to let me pay, I've met his family already and am planning on going to Tenn. with him and some friends in the next few weeks. Wants a long term relationship and is ready to settle down, as am I.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing being with him.

[mag]

I would definitely say run...that is how the guy I am with was at the beginning....they are bad news...it is disrepectful to have wondering eyes when he is with you....can you imagine a lifetime of that??? and he loves strip clubs??????what kind of comment is that...I would never trust someone who "loves" strip clubs...
he sounds like more trouble than he is worth....trust your gut!!...I wish I had!!!!

[mrjquinn]

as I'm sure you already heard, the best thing you can do right now is be natural i.e, take it slow, if he seems different than every other guy do not make him pay for other men mistakes. That is a huge turn off. Oh and seriously if you can't "Tolerate" him going out with the guys, or liking stripclubs, or looking at women you may need to either correct that or seek someone else. You shouldn't try to stop a man from being a man, that is thw worst thing you can do at this point.

[iateyourcookie]

Don't quickly assume, you guys barely know each other. Take the time to get to know him better, talk to him. If your gut STILL tells you to run, then go ahead. But if he seems really genuinely interested in you, I don't see what's wrong.

[Mish]

Have the two of you had an "exclusivity talk"?

[Illusional]

i think that you're worrying too much and concentrating too much on "what if's" f*ck that... just enjoy the moment because imagine IF he is a really great guy and you're not giving him the full potential. true, you might get hurt in the future, however, that's what relationships are about. trying and testing people out to see if you're compatible.

raverboy

[CAM]

If you are insecure, them my thought is that a guy with wandering eyes and who goes to strip clubs (and who is easy on the eyes)...well, he's just going to feed your insecurities. My thought is that you aren't right for each other. He needs a very strong and secure woman who is going to tell him what's on her mind. You are in a "wall flower" stage, wondering aloud why you are with him...and he'll walk right over you.

[TheTooya]

I agree wi Mish, have the what-if talk. Make sure he knows you want to be exclusive with him, otherwise you'll be leaving a door wide open that you don't want

[KellBell]

Thanks for the replies you two

I've already briefly mentioned it to him, that it is uncomfortable for me, but it is a struggle for me. I've been cheated on, as have most people including him, but it def. has had an impact on previous relationships. It's not so much the cheating on me so much, but seeing what it did to my family. That and finding out a man I was with for 3 years apparently had to lower his standards for. My confidence was high before I heard that but now, that echos in my head every time I hear my bf say yeah shes hott or looking at an attractive girl. So in the end I know its my own insecurities. It's that he can be insensitive about it. I generally ignore when I notice him looking or say a woman is attractive but I know he can tell I get squirmish at times.

I don't want to change him and I obviously like him a lot to put up with it and avoid the conversation about it with him. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm weak and not confident because I am those; strongly. Except in the situations I just briefed on.

[KellBell]

Thank you all for the replies!

I haven't run yet. I want to just because of the general fear getting close to someone creates in me, but I agree that I need to give it time. I'm always blinding myself by trying to find something wrong with the other person and it's so discouraging. As for the strip club thing, I guess I shouldn't say he "loves" them, but he def. in the beginning made it a point to make it clear that he enjoyed going there with his buddies. One thing I've been told after three years of being with a guy, is that he lowered his standards for me. THAT has really affected me in a lot of ways in the few relationships I've had after that. By no means am I unattractive, I know that, I have options for other guys. I just don't know why I'm being so risky with this one.

[Charisma]

1) whoever said they lowered their standards for you was a tosser with his head up his own a$$. (sorry for curses)

2) I'm sure that at some point *most* guys have been to a strip club and found it fun.

3) I can't quite read it right, but if this new guy is making comments about attractive girls, I would either 1- start making comments about hot guys, and turning my head to watch a hot guy, get caught looking at men on purpose or 2- ask him if he typically talks about attractive girls with potential girlfriends. This would probably end up opening up the conversation to whither yous are exclusive or not. It may even open up some revelations on how his behaviour is in a relationship (e.g. he may admit to flirting a lot within relationships, may not be sure about you yet, may be an insecure idiot, I dunno!)

I think you should trust your gut though. If he's not acting like a guy looking to settle down, then he's not going to act like a guy ready to settle down!(if that makes sense).

[iHEARTu]

Have you actually TALKED to him about your 'unsureness'? If you just decided to break it off, he'd be hurt. You need to tell him that you dont like him going to strip clubs. And so what about wandering eyes? My boyfriend and I both have wandering eyes. If he finds a hot girl and he's like "damn" I'll be like "damn" too. If i find a hot guy though, he'd be like "...ew. but okay, you freak." and playfully punch me. You gotta appreciate gods gifts to us My boyfriend goes out heaps with his guy-friends. So what? He has friends? Big deal? Let him have a life. That's what I'm paranoid about. If he stays with me too much he'll get annoyed with me and eventually leave me. So i like him going out with his friends and doing whatever he wants. You just got to trust him. If you don't- then he'll sense that and it'll make you both a bit uncomfortable.

So what if you're fooled? Honestly that's what I think. My boyfriend has heaps of really hot friends who are girls. And I'm not that hot, so I can't understand why he chose me, but if he chose me from all of those girls- he must like something about me that they don't have, right? So just be yourself. Would you rather give it your all and have a long lasting relationship, or would you rather be nervous and paranoid and break off the bud of romance before it has even blossomed? You don't have to have sex with him or anything. You just need to love him and tell him you'll wait till marriage.

He seems really sweet with the whole not letting you pay for anything- he wants to provide for you: a good sign for a husband. And honestly, people like mag (person who commented first) appalls me.

QUOTE MAG:
Run

I would definitely say run...that is how the guy I am with was at the beginning....they are bad news...it is disrepectful to have wondering eyes when he is with you....can you imagine a lifetime of that??? and he loves strip clubs??????what kind of comment is that...I would never trust someone who "loves" strip clubs...
he sounds like more trouble than he is worth....trust your gut!!...I wish I had!!!!

UNQUOTE.

Excuse me. But men do things like that. They go to strip clubs. They fool around. They have a good time. Just because one guy is like that doesnt mean the rest are. She obviously didnt look deeper into his heart than whats on top. You've got to love a man for being a man. It is disrespectful to have wondering eyes, sure, I do agree to some extent. However would you rather get in his face about it and make him feel horrible or go along with it and be like "well, she does have a good body. True!" What would he like better? What would make YOU feel better? Being in his face or letting it slide? I, like i said before, let it slide. Yeah. She has a good body. I ain't gonna be put down, like mag seems to have been. And you don't let him put you down like that either. If he checks out a check you be like, "damn, her legs are so long." when i do that my man just laughs at me and stops wandering his eyes.

Just be yourself is kind of what im trying to aim at... But failing. Sorry. Men do manly things. women do womanly things. If he doesnt like you for what you do, then too bad. And if you dont like what he does then too bad. either talk to him about it, or get over it, lovely.

Harsh but true. Sorry to tell it to you like that. and good luck

[roy_delene]

I would go with your gut feeling on this relationship. If you have such strong reservations bout him then don't date him. If it makes you uncomfortable to be out with him then I don't think this relationship may not work.