what is wrong with me??

[crazysam87]

hello everyone, im kinda new to this forum.Posted once about a girl and regularly reading others threads and responding some times. Now I deceided to post something a bit more serious, about myself. First, I want you to know that im not english, im actually french, so you may find my grammar a bit weird. I think im doing fine but not top-notch.

Since several years im feeling depressive, sometimes a lot and other time less. right now its starting to get worse. Its like a cycle, gets better, then stable, then worse , then better, etc etc. Right now im feeling like if i was the last living person on earth, surronded only by a giant arid desert. I constantly feel my heart at the edge of breaking appart and shattering. I'm realising this because im almost feeling only anger and sadness. Im having difficulties allowing me feeling love and compassion because im scarred of feeling more pain. im having big troubles opening my heart to the other..to the girls specifically. Im so afraid that i prefer to stay beind my giant iron wall, swimming into my hate, my hate for life, my hate for others joy. Ive been like this since im 13...and now im 23.

Everything stated when my dad and an oncle died in front of me when I was 13.Before that i was living like every normal person, but after that day everthing changed. I stopped watching the stars at night, stopped caring about my birthday and christmass, stopped watching the sunset, I stopped seeing those things that are supposed to make our life pretty. I cried a lot the first year, talked to no one in 2-3 years exept my family(mother and sister). Had a lot of problems with my mom and moved-out with another oncle. I lost a complet year of school because of that, so I sopped caring bout it anymore. I succeded at finishing my secondary school and left after because I had no idea what to do. during all thos years at school, I made some friends, had several girlfriends and got my heart broken everytime. The first one left me for my best friend(a girl), I was devestated because I was always with them and couldnt just walk away and get other friends, so I had to face it and starting to smoke drugs and drink a lot( I was 16 at this time). the year after I made another girlfriend, wich was my new bestfriend. Damn she was so pretty, i loved her so much. Ive been with her for 1year and 7 months, but we broke out because our relationship was going nowhere, because of how different things, like my job (was working 6 days on 7 and sometimes 7) and because of sex. At this time I was virgin and she was not, she actually sexually abused by some guy years before, so we never made love, just some casual sex. She didnt like to give BJ and didnt like to be eaten so it was very boring. But at this time I didnt knew she had a problem...I tought I was the problem...tought i wasnt good enough etc etc. several months after we broke-up I leanred she did it with his new BF. I was devestated cause then I knew I was the problem..well thats what I tought. But actually she didnt do it. I now know she never did it because being sexually abused made her body disable to let someone in her. So during all theses years I did it whith one girl but it was really boring...never had an orgasm. I had 4-5 other sex partners after that but never made love because of this. So now im feeling like im not good enough and afraid of approaching girls to a certain level. I lost several opportunities because of this fear. And im having lots of regrets. About 8 months ago, I finally did it a second time but after 2-3 minutes my erection stopped. So im now even more worried about it.

I hear everyone around me telling there sex stories and asking each other what they did etc etc, and I just want to run and hide cause I almost have nothing to say...Im not having success with girls anymore, they all like me only as a friend, so it makes me feel very unattractive and worthless to the others. Ive always been the guy ready to sacrifice my own life for those i love, but I feel like the others dont see that and girls never like me the way I want them to. I dont understand why..im always carring about other, always gentle, generous, tryingf to smile as much as I can but its always ending the same way...rejection, rejection, rejection. I know I have a big lack of self-estime but I cant find any way to get trough this problem. A girl told me, I need to love myself before someone can fall in love with me. in short...I need to open myself to others, to the beauty of life, and that kind of stuff...but how to do what Ive been rejecting for 10 years?

physically I think I look fine, im not fat, maybe a bit too skinny but im working out, so I conclued its all in my head. but even tough I know this, I have no key what to do. I tried to kill myself 2 times in the past 7 years and really dont want to get to that point again!! Sometimes...a lot of times I just want to cry and fall asleep and never wake up, but my pain is so huge that i cant even cry! Its really physically impossible for me. Last time I cried it was when my father passed out.


Damn I just want a girl to tell me how funny I am, to tell me im beautyfull and nice. I just want to be important for someone, someone I can fall asleep with, one with whom I can make love and cuddle until my old age. Ive attached a picture of me..just to ask you if you think i look fine..If I should change semthing..like my hair ..or anything.. actually i dont know if linking the pict worked..

Anyway, thanks for reading this, bye bye

[IndiReloaded]

Man, this is becoming Canadian Love Forum. LOL.

[lahnnabell]

You won't be happy with anyone else until you can become happy with yourself. Sounds like you are dealing with some serious depression. You should seek out a professional for help with that.

[Mish]

I'm realising this because im almost feeling only anger and sadness. Im having difficulties allowing me feeling love and compassion because im scarred of feeling more pain.

Well that's unfortunate. Because feeling pain is part of life, so if you are scared of pain, what are you really scared off? Living? The problems you describe are not too dissimilar ot what others feel and go through. Think about it. Most people go through several partners and get their hearts broken one way or the other. Most people get intimidated by being rejected and hearing the success stories of others at the same time. Most people think that they are the problem without looking further afield to really understand the complexities of their problems. You are not the only one feeling this. Though, your pain is perhaps amplified by the losses you have suffered. Perhaps what you need right now is to look on the bright side and find out the positives and advantages of being who you are. Read some stories of people who have gone through exactly the same circumstances as you and came out as better off on the other end. What were their trials and tribulations? How did they do it? You can do the same.