How do I get out of this vicious cycle?
Ok basically I wrote the entire post that I was gonna make and then my computer auto restarted and I lost the whole thing which took me a good half hour to write. So you guys will be getting a super short version...
Part 1.. I liked 2 girls last year.. and both liked me. One was gorgeous and not so great personality and the other had average looks and really nice personality. I of course being who I was (and maybe still am in a sense) chose girl #1. She represented more of a risk to her because I knew a lot less about her. Girl #2 I had gone on a few dates with, had fun, gotten somewhat intimate, and she had told me she really likes me and has strong feelings for me. So to let her down I chickened out and sent her an e-mail. She tried to call me about it and text message me but I didn't respond (wrong I know)...
So basically come to find out that girl #1 had a problem with a bf, a bf she didn't tell me about by the way, and that basically at the time she met me they were "on a break" but still together. She didn't tell the dude about me nor did she tell me about the dude.. until she got caught basically. So somehow even after that she managed to drag me back in. It was a very rocky relationship the two of us had, the passion was explosive but so was everything else. Many arguments all drawing back to the fact she had a long distance bf that she wasn't willing to let go for me. So all along I wondered if I made the wrong choice and that if girl #2 would've been something special and worthwhile. Eventually I told girl #1 that i'm done being her backup #2 guy and that you choose me and me only or i'm gone. And she pretty much let me walk.. (and of course called me a few weeks later after another problem with the bf).. But anyways even though I still have feelings for her I don't want to be with her.
So I decided to e-mail girl #2 tell her exactly what happened, apologize and ask for her to come back in my life. There was no response for about 3 weeks until one night I got a call from her. I answered and she told me what she went through, and what I had put her through. She said it hurt a lot but that she forgives me and is ready to move forward as long as I don't do it again. I agreed. We met up, went on some more dates, got somewhat intimate again (although a lot less than before), and it was all good again... on the outside. On the inside I quickly realized that I don't love her. She was a great girl and I had fun with her but there really was no spark, no passion, at least not on my end. But I was lonely and I still wanted her around for that reason and to help me get over girl #1. I started saying some of the things that girl #1 said to me, without even thinking about it. Without thinking of the pain those things put me through and how I said I would never inflict that pain on anyone else. I realize that what girl #1's bf had put her through, she then in turn went and put me through it. Perhaps unintentionally... And that what she then had transferred onto me, I put another girl through it. Again unintentionally. So my question is, how in the world do I break out of this vicious cycle? I feel horrible right now.
Be careful with your heart, because when someone seems too good to be true, they usually are.